Music Ministry

In a sermon from several years back,

Tim Keller said that,

After praying,

Singing is the second most-commanded action

In the Bible. 

I've been on the Search Committee since July. 

We have two final candidates selected. 

We are weary from the process. 

We seek a definitive Music Ministry leader.

Lord,

Guide the pastors 

So that they wisely choose

Who next shall lead us in musical worship. 

Help me support the ministry,

Despite my reservations over the leadership,

Whomever it ultimately is. 

Bless the music ministry here so that we,

In turn,

May sing of Your Goodness,

Your Mercy,

And above all,

Your Love

For this creation

That eagerly awaits its redemption...

Obedience

...though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered... (Hebrews 5:8)

If He had to learn obedience, 

And He was the Son,

How much moreso must I?...

...for our God is a consuming fire. (Hebrews 12:29)

Indeed! 

He consumes everything in His wake,

Even my justifications,

Even my emotions,

Even my heart's desires! 

Ah, fearsome ember, 

Will you grow? 

What and who will you consume next? 

Healing Supplications

In New York. 

Drained and spent. 

Waiting, waiting. 

My sister's test results,

God willing, 

Come back today. 

Father,

Whatever the next few hours hold,

You know all.

Help her,

Help me,

Help her boyfriend

And his family who have been

So supportive and kind. 

Heal her, Father, please. 

Heal the disease in her lung.

Make her whole, 

And healthy. 

Life can change in a moment.

Strengthen us to face

Whatever now comes her way. 

Tears

O Lord, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure. Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed. My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O Lord, how long? Return, O Lord, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake. (Psalms 6:1-4)

The Aussie best summed it up

When we were speaking earlier in the week. 

She said,

"I feel that sometimes,

You want to go into a room

And scream and smash things."

Ah, how right she was!

That course of action

Is not an option. 

Lord,

People often view crying

As a sign of weakness. 

They think that, if you cry,

You're letting your emotions

Get the better of you. 

They think that you're not strong enough

To cope with the problems and perils

The universe throws your way. 

They couldn't be more wrong.

My tears mean,

"I am so messed up

Over this or that situation,

But despite that,

I must endure. 

My God will uphold me."

My tears mean that,

Despite the world's criticisms and judgments,

I will try to do

The right thing,

Even if all is lost. 

My tears mean that 

I know it's hard,

But I will do my best

To not be angry or upset or afraid,

For the sake of my loved ones. 

I offer my tears up to You,

My Lord God and King! 

Transform them into

Waters of patience,

And kindness,

And gentleness,

And steadfastness.

Hold me,

Hold me,

Most Merciful Father,

Please...

Relief / Release

Father,
A dam burst forth
Inside of me yesterday.

Purposeful omissions
Were thrown into
The light of day.

My unspoken fears and misgivings
Did not even closely resemble
The reality I was presented with.

I am so grateful
For the outcome.
I am so thankful
For the grace and gentleness
That embraced me.

What is it about me
That seeks to conceal and hide
Portions of my life?
Why do I think
I will cause outrageous offense,
And hurt,
And strife?

I'm still learning to live
An unfragmented life.
Help me, Father,
To learn to be unafraid...

Lies are the tools
Of the enemy's camp.
Strengthen me
To speak the truth... 

Dry

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)

O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me...Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? (Psalms 139:1, 7)

In this wasteland

I pray for rain,

For living waters to quench

The dryness of my spirit. 

Conscious of sin,

I shrink from You, 

Evidenced by shallow prayers,

Lack of peace,

Restlessness, anxiety, 

And avoidance of Your Word. 

Stupid human! 

Where do I think I will go

And not encounter You?

You are the only cure for my dis-ease,

O Fountain of Living Waters!... 

The Last Car Ride

Lord,
Three weeks ago yesterday
I took my last car ride
With Gabrielle.

I sat in the back seat
Of Adalheid's Odyssey
And thought about all the rides
We had shared together.
Trips Upstate
With my mother, sister, and I.
Trips Upstate then
With my sister, her ex-boyfriend, and I.
On a plane with me
To Arizona.
Trips in Adalheid's car,
And the archer's car,
Sometimes riding around
For the simple joy
Of riding around.

Being in that vet's office,
I wanted nothing more than to
Run and hide.
But I stayed - we stayed -
Adalheid, the archer, and I -
We stayed as Gabrielle's soul life
Returned to her maker,
To You.

O Lord,
I have sat with bottled grief
These three weeks,
But cannot restrain it any longer.
I weep.
I mourn.
I miss my loving, funny, impish, loyal companion
Of eleven years.

Creeping doubts over her
Niggle at me.
I question my judgment,
My decisions,
My self
On a regular basis.
Take from me the thoughts and fears
That I didn't do enough,
That I never do enough.

Father,
Help me
So that I may be able
To speak fondly and lovingly of Gabrielle
Without the telltale
Lump in my throat.

I know that she is one
In a string of losses
That stretches back to
When I was six years old.
I will always be
An animal person,
And will always taste
The bittersweet fruit
Of these loves and losses.

Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. (Psalms 31:9 KJV)

Ennui

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.  I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. (Ecclesiastes: 2,14)

I have worked for the newspaper company
Since January of 2006. 
Starting out as a paginator and website administrator, 
My job grew to encompass
Application support specialist
Training
Webmaster
Administrative support
IT troubleshooter
System Administrator for the entire company. 

Lord...
I am incredibly bored and demotivated,

A lonely outpost

In a dying industry. 
I feel capped, tapped, and out of touch. 
I feel every inch of the 2000+ miles
Between here and our Brooklyn locale. 

Where to go 
And what to do next?
Mountain View plans to create 
New positions within its administration. 
I intend to apply;
Will a change in job venue
Cure the sense of stifling ennui inside me?

You know my history of sudden, swift, 
"Gut-feeling" life changing decisions.  
I think that's been You at work,
Steering me in the direction I ought to go.

What do You think I should do?
Where do You think I should go?
Guide me,
As You have before.  

Awaken some extinguishing ember
Within me, Lord...

Bones

Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed.
Psalm 6:2

Father,
The Manhattanite's test results came back.
Thank You that she doesn't have
A malignant tumor!

It's been a rough year for her.
Surgeries.  Her mom's death. 
School struggles.  Money struggles. 
And now so much pain
And damage in her back.

Lord,
The Manhattanite is loved by many people;
The love that we have for her
Is but a reflection
Of Your love for her.
Let Your love envelope her,
Embrace her,
And heal her.
Father, we ask that
You who formed her
Knit together and bond
That which is broken and injured.

As the Psalmist cried out to You,
We cry out
On behalf of the Manhattanite.
Hear our prayer, o Lord,
And come to the aid
Of those who call upon
Your Holy Name...

Welcome

A new member enters

The Gathering of Nuts!

A new soul integrates

Into our tribe. 

Small, white, and furry,

He bounces and trounces

With all the playfulness 

Of his six-month-old self. 

Adalheid's shadow,

He follows her everywhere. 

Observing Gabrielle,

He has picked up her penchant

For sticks and toys. 

Long life to you, Matisse,

Gift of Yahweh!

May the God who made you

Bless you with much love

And a long, healthy life

In the faithful stewardship

Of this home.

Upstate, Mother's Day

Father,

It is my sister's

First Mother's Day

In the Upstate house, alone. 

Surrounded by memories,

And mementos of our life with mom,

Let my sister derive some comfort

From the years that we had. 

Let her remember the good times

And gracefully forgot the sorrows. 

Let her know that,

Even though our mom is gone,

She deeply loved us in this life. 

These are the thoughts

You have breathed to me

Over these past few years. 

Do the same to my sister, Lord.

Lighthouse Saturday Night

Father,
The Songbird asked me to sing
With Lighthouse,
The Saturday night praise band.

I am nervous.
I feel terribly out of practice.
Singing in a choir
Is not the same
As singing in a band.

Embolden me to sing well,
Not for people's praises,
But to glorify You.
As a unit,
And as individuals,
Grant that we may perform well,
And use music
To draw others closer to You.

Use me thus,
My Lord,
I pray...

Distress

Monday's early morning conversation with Adalheid:
Comparing notes about Gabrielle,
We acknowledged that new lumps keep cropping up
On various parts of her body.
Lymph node sites?
Yes, probably. 
Probably cancer.

We had spoken previously,
And had agreed:
We weren't going to have
The masses in her lungs biopsied,
And put her through another procedure. 
We're not putting her through chemotherapy.

But I want to scream.
I want to do something. 
I always want to do something - anything -
To make a situation better.
This feeling of powerlessness is crushing me.

I went online,
Attempting to equip myself with knowledge
In a desperate bid to regain
A sense of control.
I was startled by what I discovered
About lymphoma in dogs:
If left untreated,
From the time that nodules start appearing on the body,
Dogs typically live approximately four to six weeks.

Four to six weeks?!?!

Suddenly, I was researching
Veterinary oncologists in Phoenix.
Suddenly, everything Adalheid and I had discussed
Went out the window.
All the emotion inside me railed against
This newfound piece of knowledge.
I went crazy.
I cried on and off all day.
I felt inept, helpless, guilty for
Not doing enough, not being enough.
I needed more time to make up for
Every wrong, real or imagined,
I had ever committed against Gabrielle.

I remained a misery for much of the day.
Yesterday didn't turn out a whole lot better.

The Anointed One visited me yesterday morning.
"I don't want to talk to You," I said, upset.

He sat on the red chair across the living room from me.
He didn't say anything.
He waited.

Finally, I began my series of rants.
"Why did You make me like this?
I don't want to be sensitive.
So many people walk around
Not caring about human lives,
Let alone about creatures or creation.
What purpose does a heart serve me?"

"Compassion.
Lovingkindness.
Gentleness.
Mercy.
These are my Father's qualities,
Lavishly bestowed on His Creation.
They don't serve Him.
They elicit a love response, and glorify Him.
I mirrored these qualities in My earthly ministry,
And in My advocacy work even now. *
As Mine, its for you to mirror them in yours.
You can't exhibit them
If you have a heart of stone.
Yes, it means suffering,
But remember that I, too, have suffered,
And have overcome."

On to rant two, then, I decided.
"Scripturally, and intellectually,
I understand why things decay and die.
I understand that we live in a broken creation.
But emotionally, and spiritually -
In my soul, where I feel You stirring -
It feels wrong.  All wrong.  So f'ing wrong.
I hate death!" I exclaimed.

His voice was quiet as He replied,
"Me too. 
That's why I came to vanquish it."

It wasn't the answer I had expected,
And it made me cry some more.

He got up, and put His hand on my forehead.
The gesture cracked me, and I blurted out my last rant:
"Everyone I love leaves me,
And if they haven't yet, they're going to!"

Ah, the terrifying crux of the matter.

He didn't dispute me.
He leaned closer, and reminded me,
"I will not."

"I know."

"As for the cherished ones of your life,
Remember:
It will not always be so."

I opened my eyes to the pre-dawn light
And looked over at Gabrielle,
The latest in a string of love
That will break our family's heart...

Our hearts, yes...time and again.
Our spirit, alive in Him?
Never.

* 1 John 2:1 (KJV) - My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:

Revelation 21: 3-5 (KJV) 
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.  And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.  And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new.  And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

A Dog's Life

Gabrielle's entry into our household
Was a strange one:
My mother awoke and declared
That she'd had a dream
That she'd gotten a dog
Born on her mother's birthday. 
After breakfast, she called Puppy City
To inquire if they had any
Cocker Spaniel litters.

"And what day were the puppies born?" she asked.

"January 27th," she repeated aloud.
Her mother's birthday.

We had been without a dog in the house for six months.

We piled into car service as quickly as we could dress.

Gabrielle was a hit with everyone in the house
From her first moments.

As a puppy, she had spunk and personality

That she still possesses over eleven years later. 

She had a penchant for eating paper,

And other odds and ends that fell to the floor, 

Having eaten $85 dollars,
A zipper off a jacket,
A pack of cigarettes,

A pocket Bible, 

My awesome Bose headphones,
Needle and thread,
Countless napkins, tissues, paper towels,
Countless, helpless dog toys,

And various other oddities over the years. 

Gabrielle was greatly loved by my mom.
We had one of those depressing
"If something ever happens to me" conversations
About the dog.
We were standing on the low point of the lawn
In front of the House on the Hill
When my mother told me,
"If anything ever happens to me,
I want you to take Gabrielle."
"Ma!" I exclaimed,
Unable to wrap my brain around the unspoken inevitable.
"Promise me!" she demanded, eyes fiery.
"I promise," I told her,
Never thinking that Gabrielle's lifespan
Would chronologically outpace my mother's.

Her life can be divided up into distinct stages.

Stage 1: Puppyhood.
Frolicking with Mommie. 
Waking moments spent shadowing my mom,
Always interested in everything she did
(Except vacuum, which Gabrielle hated.)
Amassing a vocabulary better than most humans.
Hanging with my mother, mom's friend Harry,
My sister, me, and our friends and significant others at the time.
Late summers and falls spent Upstate
Rolling in leaves and walking the hills.

Stage 2: Upheaval
Mommie passes. 
The house undergoes a radical transformation
As my sister and I struggle with the unexpected pressures
Of home ownership.
The tension is so thick
You can cut it with a knife.
Gabrielle mourns,
As do we.
We short-sale the house,
And my panicking sister, not knowing what to do with the pets,
Threatens the dog with death.
Dogknappings ensue. 
I wind up with Gabrielle, the Pugs, and my two cats
In an apartment ten houses away from Heidi.
It is the first peace any of us have known
In three years. 

Stage 3: Boredom
Life in my apartment
Is dull for sure.
I work too many hours,
Both in and out of the apartment.
Time off is spent running around
Doing all the things I can't do
On account of work.
I try to make up for it
In the early mornings and evenings
With walks
Time spent in Heidi's backyard,
And many nights splitting my sleep
Between the cats in the bed
And the dogs on the couch.
I lose Baby,
My older cat,
And am left with four to tend to. 
When the time comes to relocate,
The dogs are split up.
The Pugs stay in New York,
As pugs can't fly,
And wind up ultimately
(To my mild dismay)
With my sister once again.
Gabrielle, Simba and I
Fly to Arizona.

Stage 4: Retirement
Arizona sun and heat.
A beautiful, plush lawn to walk upon.
Nighttime walks on the golf course in good weather.
Lots of toys to destroy.
Lots of things to bark at
As vacuums whiz by,
Doorbells ring,
Different people enter the house,
And parrots scream. 
Best of all,
Someone to stalk and follow
And pay attention to
As the dog naturally gravitates to Adalheid
In the same way that she did to my mom. 
Ahhhhhhhh,
The good life at last,
My beautiful Gabrielle!

Prior to her most recent back injury,
Gabrielle was bouncing around more like a puppy
Than an eleven-year-old dog.
Due to her back injury,
And subsequent issues,
She has slowed down a little,
And I wonder if she will ever totally recapture
That energy and spark.
She's been giving us a problem with eating.
Upon taking her to the vet,
And taking x-rays,
Suspicious lesions were noted in her lungs.
We asked the vet to compare these most recent x-rays
With the ones from last year.

We are waiting.
We are praying.

When her lungs were commented upon last year,
I asked You to just let me get Gabrielle
Here to Arizona,
To get at least one more good year out of her.
You granted my prayer,
And I am thankful for it.
I ask again for more time with her,
Quality time for the dog
Enjoying her retirement in the Arizona sun.

Psalm 50: 10-11 (KJV)
For every beast of the forest is mine, and the cattle upon a thousand hills.
I know all the fowls of the mountains: and the wild beasts of the field are mine.

All things that have breath are Yours, Lord.
You place us as stewards over them,
To care for them,
But at the time You determine,
Their breath leaves them and returns to You.
Whatever is in store for Gabrielle,
And consequently us,
Help us care for her well,
And help us know when
That breath of life
Is to be returned to You...

Hunger Strike

God,
We don't know what's wrong
With Gabrielle.
We know that a dog running from food
Like it is poison
Is not normal behavior. 
We don't know if the cause is
Physical or psychological,
Or some mixture of both.

You know all things.
You know what's bothering her,
And causing her to not eat.
We ask that You reveal that to us
And to the vet who will examine her today
So that she can be treated,
And healed,
And start to willingly eat again.

Lord,
She's such a vibrant character.
Please help us help her.
Please reach down and touch her,
And heal that which ails her... 

Into the Grave

Good Friday service.
I was reading aloud to the congregation
A list of words
Associated with the Crucifixion:
Sun.
Crossbeam.
Incline.
Golgotha.
Pound...
Pound...

Moments later,
As the congregation filed out,
I sat in one of the back rows,
The sounds of nails being struck
Ringing in my mind's ears.

That my God
Should suffer and take upon Himself
The wrath and judgment
Wrought by my sinful life and nature
Is an idea I sometimes can hardly fathom.
Oh, I am grateful,
Knowing that I cannot even approach
My Creator unaided...
But the mere idea
That One would come
And stand in my place
And lead a sinless life
And bear the punishment
I so richly deserve
Is sometimes too much.
That My God should atone
For my sins with His life
And conquer death
And offer me the gift of eternal life?
There is no higher form of Love than this...

Into the grave He went,
The grave that would not
Be able to contain Him...

Rising,
Rising,
Lord and King,
You have ransomed us.
You have conquered death for us.

It is a comfort to know
That when I die,
And sleep in the grave,
That I will one day awaken
And behold Your Glorious Face!

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16 KJV)

Arrested Development

"I'm turning 30 tomorrow,
And I don't feel like my life
Is where it should be,"
My sister told me several Wednesday evenings ago.

"Where should it be?" I returned.
"Whose plan are you following?
Whose yardstick are you measuring it by?
Kiddo, I do sales support for a living.
You can't buy into the ideas that are sold
About the road to happiness
And the means of getting there.
Real life is too messy, too complicated.
You can't look at your life
Through any other lens
Than the events that it's comprised of."

She agreed in word,
Even if what I had said
Didn't resonate in her heart.

I hung up with her,
And laid back in the bed.

"I hope she takes what I said to heart,"
I said aloud.

From where He was sitting
On the edge of the bed,
The Anointed One answered,
"I'll work on that."

"Thank you."

"And how are you feeling about
The same things?" He asked.

I laughed and rolled over,
Away from His searching gaze.

Tuesday night,
Several weeks ago.
The church thirty-something group members
Were having appetizers and a drink or two
At Z Tejas.

The conversation turned to
Areas of everyday knowledge
That I am oddly deficient in.
Cars. Travel. Student loans.
Stock portfolios. 401Ks. Condos.
Regular components of daily living
For a person in my age group and demographic
Living in the United States.

I grew silent,
And pensive.

Later on,
Sitting up in bed
In the middle of the night,
I talked to the Anointed One.

"What is it?" He asked me.

"Sometimes I question my life..." I trailed off.

"In what regard?"

"I feel like I'm not where
I ought to be."

A quizzical look crossed his face.
"And where should that be?" he asked.

"More...set."

"Set. What does that mean?"

"Established."

"Established in what?"

I sighed. "Come on,
You know what I mean.
Set. Established.
A direction in life.
A path. A purpose. A plan."
I looked at Him.

"That's in My Hands," He said.
"That's not what you're talking about."

I pulled the pillow on top of my face.

"You're talking about
The amenities of your friends' and acquaintances' lives.
You're wondering what you did wrong,
And why those things aren't present in your life right now."

"Yeah, okay, that's what I'm talking about."

"Is your life any less because
You lack these things?" He asked.

I sighed.
"I feel like I'm getting older
And life is going by without me.
Most people my age are
Married, and/or have kids by now.
Those who don't are pursuing
These high-flying careers.
Me?
Not married. No kids.
Working at a job that currently has
No upward mobility
In a rapidly disintegrating industry."
I looked at Him.
"Sometimes I feel discouraged and lost.
Sometimes I feel like I can't figure out
What it is I ought to be doing.
Sometimes my head chugs along at
A thousand miles an hour
Filled with all these half-dreams
And half-plans
That I never see through to fruition,
And I don't know if they don't blossom
Because they're not supposed to,
Or if I don't have what it takes
To see them through."

"Everyone's path is different,"
He reminded me.
"You can't look at you life
Through any other lens than
The events that it's comprised of.
Not everyone your age
Has buried both parents
In his or her twenties.
Not everyone discovers they're internationally adopted
So late in life,
And then has to unravel
The legal ramifications of that.
Not everyone gambles on the bond
With a best friend
And follows that best friend across the country.
Stop comparing your life
To the lives around you.
What you see is not the entirety
Of those people's stories anyway."

I nodded.

"Blanca... Remember."
And I could hear his words
Trying to pierce
The whirlwind around my heart.
"Seek Me first.
In all things,
Seek Me first.
Your life is in My hands, not yours."

He got up to leave.
As a parting thought, he offered,
"Perhaps the discord you're feeling
Is because you're trying to find your way
Without asking Me
Where it is you ought to go?"

I rolled over,
Sensing the rightness in His Words,
And the wrongness
Embedded in me...

Conviction

Lord,
The Aussie is about to engage
In tactical, business warfare.
I have never heard her so adamant
As she was last week.
Grant her the strength
To stand by those convictions.

Be with her.
Put the right words in her mouth
As she enters this latest fray.
Protect her and guide
Her next steps,
Wherever they may lead her...

The Joy Of Throwing A Ball To A Dog

It happened during Friday's hailstorm.
We don't know how it happened.
We simply know that from one minute to the next,
Gabrielle's back went from being straight
To being hunched in pain,
The arching showing signs of yet another
Probable ruptured disk.

We have her home on steroids and pain medicine.
She is confined to mostly bed rest and bathroom breaks.
As the rupture happened high in her spine,
She has very limited mobility in both back legs.

We are waiting.  And praying.
And waiting.  And praying.

Anyone who has ever cared for animals
The way we do in this household
Knows that when one member is down,
The whole energy of the house is affected.

We are waiting.  And praying.
And waiting.  And praying.

This has happened before, we remind ourselves.
The last time it happened,
Gabrielle spent a month living at Adalheid's,
Being carried up and down to the backyard,
Relegated only to the first floor of Adalheid's house.
She got better then, we remind ourselves,
Battling back the fears and misgivings.

We are waiting.  And praying.
And waiting.  And praying.

O Lord,
Help us not feed into our panic and worry.
Help us properly assess her progress.
Help us make wise decisions regarding her treatment.
Help us help her get better.
But really, Father, what we're asking
Is that you heal Gabrielle.
Creator of all creatures great and small,
Your Breath and Being hold our lives together.
You make us - each of us -
With Your Own Hands.
Use Your Hands now,
And impart healing to the cocker.
We have seen her body heal beautifully,
And quickly, and wonderfully.
Grant that it may be so now, Father.
For her sake
(And ours).

There is a unique joy
In throwing a ball across a backyard
And watching that dog run and pounce on it.
There is a feeling of light and air, wind and freedom,
That accompanies such shenanigans.
There is a rightness in the ball's arc of motion,
And a happiness in the dog's reception of that ball
That can change a rotten day around,
And make a bad mood evaporate.
I have stood in the sunlight with Gabrielle
For over 11 years now,
Throwing balls and sticks and toys,
Watching her run and chase and retrieve and wag.
I have never felt the preciousness of these simple pastimes
As I do now. 
Father,
Please,
Heal our Gabrielle,
So she can run in the Arizona sunlight
And chase balls once again...

Lost boy

Father,
I know too well
The darkness that can enshroud
The human heart.
I know too well
The Adversary's lying tactics
That feed into
One's own raging torrent
Of hopelessness and despair.
Depression has many components;
You and I know that one of them
Is spiritual.

Father,
Cut through the darkness
Surrounding the lost boy.
He has journeyed far afield
From family and friends,
All that was once familiar to him.
He has witnessed the disintegration
Of a decade-long relationship.

Whatever demons he must battle,
Help him battle them.
Whatever decisions he must make
About his future,
His health,
His well-being,
Give him the courage to make them,
And the fortitude to see them through.

Do not let the darkness swallow him.
Heal him,
So that he can pick up his life
And resume the business of daily living.
Maker of men,
Look kindly on your creation,
And hold him in this,
His hour of need...

Faces

Sunday services.
Slides of Guatemala
Flow by in PowerPoint,
Scenes from the church's
Latest mission trip.

One of the missionaries
Talks about her daughter,
Who she adopted from Guatemala
Nineteen years ago,
Before they closed the country down
To international adoptions.

Thinking of my parents,
Traveling in Colombia
Over thirty-six years ago,
I feel my heart clutch.

The missionary goes on to talk about
The orphanage where they adopted her,
And how that orphanage is still standing,
But so few children are adopted.

The last segment of slides
Are of faces,
Mostly the faces of
Guatemalan children.
And my brain swirls around
With images of orphans,
And poverty,
And hunger,
And fear,
And loneliness.

O, My Lord God,
In the mountains of Bogotá,
My birth mother relinquished
Custody of me.
In the mountains of Bogotá,
A woman named Mercy
Handed me over
To my parents.

My life could have been so different.

I am so unworthy.
I am so blessed.

Master Author,
You who brought me forth
To a life rich with love,
What shall I do
With the life You have given me
That will please and glorify You?

Impressed

Father...
I have been from youth,
And to this day remain,
Impressionable.

It is not merely
The moods and vibes
Given off by those close to me
That ping on my radar.
Sometimes,
I pick up deep sea signals,
Waves from so far away
That I wonder how they are registering
In the first place.

In my mind,
I see him,
I see him, Father!
I see him
Reading and studying
Your Word,
Poring over Scripture,
Mining it for hidden gold.
I see him
Talking to You,
Laying bare
The prayers and petitions,
The burdens and troubles
Of his heart.
I see him writing,
Pages and pages of longhand,
Holy tomes,
Reverent words,
The letters rising up
Like fire on Your Altar,
An incense offering
With an aroma
Sweet and pleasing to You.

Father,
Why impress this
In my mind?
Why make me see this,
Sense this
Phantasmagoric daydream
As though real?

Father,
Hear my prayer,
And watch over
Your faithful servant.
I pray for this man
I have never met,
And may never meet
In this life.
Protect and nurture
His life and his health.
Impart strength to him,
And courage,
And endurance.
Why I am praying all this,
I do not know,
But I feel led by the Spirit
To do so.

Be at hand,
Near to Your servant, Lord.
Remain his Light,
And Rock of Salvation...

Ode to a Jaguar

O Lord,
Creator of all beings
Great and small,
I sing to you a paean
For the lovely jaguar.

Hauntingly beautiful.
Frighteningly intelligent.
Elusive. Mysterious.
Dangerous.
Wild. Untamable.
Lithe. Graceful. Supple.

Father,
I stand in awe
Of her prowess,
And power,
And grandeur.

I offer
My eternal praises
To You,
Grand Creator,
Master Artisan,
Craftsman Divine!

On to Glory

Ash Wednesday service.
A time for self-reflection and repentance,
Confession and prayer.

I feel rebelliousness
Rising within me.
I feel my self-will struggling
Like an angry storm in my soul.
Oh Lord,
Why is it sometimes so hard?
There are days when it feels like,
From breath to breath,
I cannot hear You.
Other days,
I hear Your Clarion Call
Like a vibrant brass section
In my mind.

I, too, suffer from
A phrase coined by the archer:
"Shiny-object Syndrome."
So easily distracted am I!
So distracted by my everyday,
The thoughts and emotions and people
In my life.

Help me re-center,
Re-orient
Towards You.

Sitting in choir,
I watch the rows of people
Filing by,
And am struck by a feeling
Of oneness with them.
All of us,
The whole mass of humanity,
Strives toward You,
Longs for You.
In our souls,
We ache for You,
But get so easily distracted
By other things.
I know I am not alone in this.

The rows file past.
People willingly imprinted with ashen crosses
Walk by,
And I am one of them,
A being of ash and dust,
Made in Your Image,
Fallen,
Redeemed,
And marching on
With all the other graced sinners,
Into the Glory
Of Your Heavenly Kingdom!...

Out of the Blue

After months of radio silence,
Didymus contacted me.

We didn't talk about the job
She abruptly walked out on
Five months ago,
Or the letter rescinding her resignation,
Asking the company to take her back.
We talked about
Where she has been
And what she's been going through.

Father,
She walks in a valley of darkness.
Demons, past and present, pursue her.
Guide her safely through.
Comfort and embrace her.
Only You can combat
That which assails her.
I pray,
Be her Champion!
Lord of Hosts,
Wage war against the forces
Seeking to tear her apart.
Bring her out of the valley,
And into the light.
Redeem this period of her suffering, Lord,
To the praise and glory
Of Your Most Holy Name!

Behind the Dam

God,
It began at 3 am yesterday.
Gabrielle went on the floor in the kitchen.
Asleep in the den,
I heard noise and came upstairs
To see what was going on.
The king started yelling at me
As soon as he saw me.
Riled, I didn't go back to sleep right away.
I understand that he was upset,
But screaming at someone who just woke up
Is a bit much.

I was pissed at him all day.  
I avoided him at every turn.
I was angry, wanted to say:
"Why did you scream at me?
Am I the one who shit on your kitchen floor?
Just tell me that you want the dog walked
Before I go to bed. 
Why are you yelling,
Always yelling???"

I went to the prayer group at Mountain View,
And could feel You taking
My anger and frustration,
About that and other things,
Away from me.

And I was fine until this morning,
When it began all over again,
But worse. 
More extended screaming.

I can feel the resentments
Like raging floodwaters rising behind a dam,
About to break.
Dude,
What on earth gives you the idea,
That you can talk to me like that?
Just because I live in your house
You feel that you can address me
Like I'm an asshole or a piece of shit?
The only time you're nice to me
Is when you need me for my usefulness,
Like buying good seats for your mom's tickets.
Are your fingers broken?
Do you know how to use a computer?
The next time do it yourself!
You want to know why you get tuned out
When you have something to say
About what goes on in the household?
Because you don't know any other way to do it
Than through screaming,
And after a while,
People can't take that anymore.
They're not going to hear what you're saying,
Because all they'll hear
Is the sound of their blood boiling in their ears
As you make their blood pressure go sky high!
You yell and you yell and you yell even when you're talking!
It's amazing that you've gone through life
Without having the crap kicked out of you
A dozen times already!
Maybe that's why
You surround yourself with women,
Because if you talked to another man
Like you talk to us,
He'd knock your friggen block off!

Oh, and
"You drink too much coffee."
Yeah? Well, you drink too much Gatorade!
Go restock the refrigerator by yourself
After you've consumed 128 ounces of the shit,
Instead of taking for granted the fact
That Adalheid and I will do it for you!

Father,
You're big enough
To absorb my rage.
Please do so.
And God,
Here's what I'm going to pray.
I'm going to pray that You give me the ability
To keep my mouth shut
And not cause further discord.
I'm going to pray that You wipe out
The passive-aggressive thoughts in my brain
Because I am SOOOO angry,
I want to lash out at him.
Bind me 'round;
Prevent me from harming him,
In word or in deed.
Prevent me from pouring forth
All the thoughts and sentiments that want to spill out, like,
"You don't pick up your dog's shit,
You don't know how to feed your dog,
You don't know how to medicate your dog,
And you're going to rail me about
Me not taking care of my dog?"

Lastly, God,
I'm going to pray that You change
The king's disposition.
If you don't,
And You call Adalheid Home before him,
He's going to find himself
A miserable, bitter old man,
Living in a house full of memories,
Wondering why he is so alone...

The Absence of Presence

One of the disadvantages
To having a sibling
Is that the sibling can remind you
About the past
You strive so hard to sometimes forget.
The sibling can fill you with memories
That make you wistful,
And full of longing and missing.

Thanks a lot, my sister.

All this talk
We've been engaging in
About our parents
Has reminded me
Of the ache I often feel
When thinking about them.
Too soon, gone too soon...
Too many parts of my life
That they aren't privy to
Or present for.
I can speak of them in Glory,
Perhaps looking upon me from
The Great Cloud of Witnesses,
But today that thought provides
Little real comfort.

"There's a reason for everything."
Yes, yes...
But today,
Knowing that in my head
And experiencing that in my heart,
I stumble traversing
The gulf between the two...

Prayer Room

Mountain View's Prayer Room.
From here I can see
Across to where we sing
On Sunday mornings.

How many times
Have I looked across the church
And mentally noted
The people praying after services?

Today,
Seeking refuge,
I came here.

Still the thoughts in my head,
Dear Lord.
Blow a wind
To clear out the cobwebs
In my mind.
Light a match
To ignite
Candles of prayer,
And the incense of devotion.

I anticipate.
I worry.
I fear.
I combat a lifetime of thought patterns
With each breath.
Still me,
Still me,
So that I do not grow weary or faint.

My life,
And the lives of my loved ones,
Are in Your Hands.
Hold us mercifully, Father,
Please...

Importunity

And he said unto them, Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves; For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him? And he from within shall answer and say, Trouble me not: the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give thee. I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Luke 11:5-10 KJV)

Importunity.
The state or quality of being importunate;
Persistence in solicitation.

Knock, knock, knock!
Father,
Father!
You who made me
Know why I approach Your Throne.

I trust You.
I know that the times that test us
Can teach us strength,
And patience,
And endurance.
Limited as I am
To my own understanding and perspective,
I pray for alleviation
For my friend.

Heal her, Lord.
Maker of bodies
That serve as Your Temples,
Please heal my friend.
Grant her fortitude and endurance,
Patience and wisdom
During the time of trial.
Grant me forethought
To anticipate needs
And cheerfulness
To lighten her heart.

Father,
I knock and knock...
I will continue to knock.
Please open the door.

Fresh Beginnings

Father,
Tomorrow my sister begins training
For a new job.
It is in an industry
She has never worked in before.
It is in a city
That she's only now becoming
Intimately familiar with.
It is a complete break
From everyone and everything familiar.
It is one more step
In the reconstruction of her life.

Be with her tomorrow.
Calm those nerves.
Kill her shyness.
Strengthen her mind.
Embolden her.
Make others see her potential.
Make her see her potential.

It's been a long three months
Since she relocated.
Help her wring further order
Out of the chaos
Of her disrupted life.

Allow her to look back someday and say,
"God had something better in store for me."
Allow her to glorify You, the Master Planner,
Who holds our lives
In the Palms of Your Hands...  

Breaking the Rules

Sunday morning between services.
The pastor had given a sermon
About God's Love breaking all the rules,
Defying convention and expectation,
Making the impossible possible.
I had listened, and was half-thinking about it,
When I sat down to church breakfast.

A woman sat across the table from me.
We were the only two seated there.
She was reading something on her smartphone.
I had my headphones in.
I don't even know if we made eye contact,
But I acknowledge (now) that
I was supposed to talk to her.

I got up, walked around,
Wanting the notion to leave me.
It would not.
I felt suddenly shy, exposed,
Unwilling to act on the promptings
Of the Spirit.
Someone from the preschool
Came over to talk to her,
And I took that opportunity
To make my unobtrusive exit.

All afternoon,
I was pestered by that feeling
Of work left undone.
Mission not accomplished.
It nestled in the back of my head,
Refusing to be quiet.
Evening brought the annual volunteer dinner.
The archer and I attended,
And wound up sitting together
At an empty table.
The pastor politely, jokingly suggested
That we move to another table,
So as not to appear antisocial.
He pointed to a table where he had spotted
Another choir member.
We got up, relocated,
And lo and behold,
The lady from the breakfast table
Was now dining with us.

Gracious and good Lord,
Thank you for making the way
For a second chance!

We exchanged names and other banal information
Over the course of dinner.
While on line for desserts,
I admitted to her
That I had wanted to introduce myself to her earlier,
But hadn't.
Ironically - or not really ironically, if you think about it -
She said that she'd felt the same.

Later still,
When she and her daughter were getting ready to leave,
I asked the question that had been on the tip of my tongue
For most of the day.
"Is there something
You need praying for?" I asked.
I could feel my face inflame with self-consciousness.
This is not a conversation normally engaged in
With a practical stranger!
If I'd had access to the archer's "Awkward" sign,
I surely would've flashed it up at that moment.
But my query was taken in stride,
And she and I exchanged life situations
That we each asked the other to pray for.

Father,
For the intentions that were spoken tonight...
For her new job starting tomorrow,
For her family,
And for my job transition situation,
Help us.

Lyrics to John Lennon's
"Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These"
Race through my head as I type this:
"Nobody told me there'd be days like these.
Nobody told me there'd be days like these.
Strange days indeed.
Most peculiar, Momma - whoa!"

I chafe at the loss of autonomy,
And the intrusion into my deluded sense
Of self-control.
I know You can break in anywhere You choose.
I know that Your Love manifests
In crazy, unconventional, mind-blowing ways.
I know You can turn the illusion of order in my life
Upside down at a moment's notice.
Thank You for not doing it with too large of a task,
And for giving me a second shot
When I blew the first one.

I chafe because I understand
That my life is not my own,
And I wonder and worry
About what other things
You will ask me to do.

Father,
Give me courage in equal measure
To meet what You Will...

Preparation

I asked the Pastor
When did he think
They would open up
The new positions
They had mentioned
During service last week.

Summer at the earliest.

Summer.

I think about the Aussie.
I think about my team.
I think about the knowledge vacuum
Left behind if I leave.

O Lord,
Move me gently along
In the way I should go,
And take care of those
I may transition away from...

Sleepless

O Lord...
My mind is alight
With questions and concerns
About my future...
Life and work and life's work...
Near future and far future.

I know worry is pointless,
And yet I cannot still my brain.

Help me look at my life thus far
Through the lens of
All the wondrous works
You alone have wrought in it.
Remind me that You
Are orchestrating the behind-the-scenes,
And that I would be
Much better served
By going to sleep right now!...

Burnout

Lord,
I haven't asked You
To hang out with me at work
In a while.

There is a growing restlessness,
A growing frustration
With my newspaper job from afar.
I feel like information
Is slipping further and further from my reach.
I feel like the demands of the position
Are changing faster than my ability
To keep pace with them.
My aggravation is impacting me,
Sometimes clouding thought processes,
Sometimes being conveyed to others. 

I have dialogues with myself
About the fact that I haven't had a real vacation
Since 2005.
I am long overdue. 
Maybe it's just burnout,
But it feels deeper than that.

Last week,
I was going to text the Songbird
About job openings at the church.
I never did.
At Sunday's sermon,
It was revealed that the church
Was attempting to create new job opportunities.
I could feel something shift inside me.
Could it be that working for the church
Would be a next step for me?

You see all things,
And know all things.
If you want me there,
Please lead me thus.
If not,
Bring peace and contentment to my heart
So that I can continue to support
My friend the Aussie,
And the Classified Team.

Beauty From Pain

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
They'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
Someday, I'll hope again.
And they'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.
"Beauty From Pain," Superchick

We're in the den,
The Anointed One and I.
We're sitting next to each other
On the couch.
Gabrielle is asleep
On the other side of me.
The fire is burning low.
I wrap a blanket around us.
Unwilling to speak,
I stare at the embers.

He and I sit for long moments
In silence.
We've been sitting like this
For several days now.

Finally, I speak.
"You know what?
I've become a big believer in
'Everything happens
For a reason.'
I've seen enough of that
During the past few years.
But I can't see that
In the death of Adalheid's nephew.
I can't see that
In this whole mourning process
And loss process
That his family must now endure.

He doesn't look at me.
He, too, is staring at the embers.

The king comes in,
And builds the fire back up.
I wonder if he senses
The Numinous presence in the den.
He leaves.
Together,
The Anointed One and I
Resume staring at the flames.

"I want to understand,
And I don't," I finally admit.

"It's not for you to understand,"
He reminds me.
"You don't see what I see
Or know what I know
About the different branchings
Of the cosmos."

I nod,
But I remain unsatisfied.

"Blanca."

I look at Him.
I see the Universe in His eyes.
I see the potentiality of all Time and Space
Hanging there.
I'm in there, I realize with a shock.
I want to look away, but don't.

"The Father understands
The grief of death's separation.
He's lost countless children
Over the millennia."
He stares back at the flames.
"He even lost His Only Begotten
For a time," He reminds me.

That thought startles me.
I hadn't thought about that before.

"Someday."
His Voice is filled with infinite promise,
Infinite love.
"Someday,
Creation will be redeemed,
Restored to unimaginable wholeness.
Death will be no more.
Hold on to that.
Exhort your loved ones to do the same."

I know He's not lying.
I know,
But still wrestle
With the questions inside myself.

"Please comfort her and her brother's family,"
I ask of Him.
It is a request of unknown, unknowable proportions.
To what extent the Anointed One can help
Largely depends on how much
They will let Him comfort them.
"Help me be there for Adalheid,"
I also ask,
A regular request uttered
In ten thousand different ways,
But much more fervently now than usual.

He nods.

I shift closer to Him on the couch.
After a moment's extended silence,
I ask,
"How many more times are we going
To sit like this together?"

He understands what I'm asking,
And shakes his head no.
"The amount of times
Is irrelevant.
Just remember that each time,
I am with you."

I put my head on His shoulder.
Together,
We stare silently at the fireplace...

The Miracle Child

Adalheid told me
That her nephew,
Who is lying in the hospital,
Was her friend's and brother's
"Miracle child."
He was the child
That she shouldn't have
Been able to conceive,
Because she'd been stricken
With Hodgkin's disease.
Yet,
She conceived,
And twenty-four years later,
That child is hanging somewhere
Between life and death.

Lord,
I'm not sure I even know
What to pray for.
But I will entreat You
On this boy's behalf
To the best of my limited knowledge.

Hezekiah called to You from his deathbed.
He cried out to You
Even after You had sent Isaiah
To proclaim his imminent death to him.
He lamented,
And called on You to remember him,
And You delivered him from the pit.
You plucked his soul
Back from the edge of Sheol. *

If it be Your Will
That this boy should not live,
Then gently take him home with You,
And end his family's and loved ones' anguish.

But...
You have it in Your Power
To pluck his soul
Back from Sheol.
You have it in Your Power
To make the swelling in his brain go down...
To make him open his eyes
And breathe on his own...
To restore him,
In the fullness of time,
To something resembling a normal life.
O Lord,
Won't You do this?

I read in the Psalms
Just a few days ago
"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." **
Precious, in this usage,
Means "costly."
If, therefore, costly, O Lord,
Then ransom the boy's soul back from death.

Some live. Some die.
We don't know why.
Those of us who trust in You
Try to encourage the rest of the world
To do the same in moments like these.

...But, Father, I have to tell You,
And I know You already know,
That in our hearts,
We are praying for
Miraculous, Divine intervention.
It doesn't always happen,
But still we pray for it,
And we're praying for a lot of it
Right now...

* Isaiah 38
**Psalms 116:15