"I'm turning 30 tomorrow,
And I don't feel like my life
Is where it should be,"
My sister told me several Wednesday evenings ago.
"Where should it be?" I returned.
"Whose plan are you following?
Whose yardstick are you measuring it by?
Kiddo, I do sales support for a living.
You can't buy into the ideas that are sold
About the road to happiness
And the means of getting there.
Real life is too messy, too complicated.
You can't look at your life
Through any other lens
Than the events that it's comprised of."
She agreed in word,
Even if what I had said
Didn't resonate in her heart.
I hung up with her,
And laid back in the bed.
"I hope she takes what I said to heart,"
I said aloud.
From where He was sitting
On the edge of the bed,
The Anointed One answered,
"I'll work on that."
"Thank you."
"And how are you feeling about
The same things?" He asked.
I laughed and rolled over,
Away from His searching gaze.
Tuesday night,
Several weeks ago.
The church thirty-something group members
Were having appetizers and a drink or two
At Z Tejas.
The conversation turned to
Areas of everyday knowledge
That I am oddly deficient in.
Cars. Travel. Student loans.
Stock portfolios. 401Ks. Condos.
Regular components of daily living
For a person in my age group and demographic
Living in the United States.
I grew silent,
And pensive.
Later on,
Sitting up in bed
In the middle of the night,
I talked to the Anointed One.
"What is it?" He asked me.
"Sometimes I question my life..." I trailed off.
"In what regard?"
"I feel like I'm not where
I ought to be."
A quizzical look crossed his face.
"And where should that be?" he asked.
"More...set."
"Set. What does that mean?"
"Established."
"Established in what?"
I sighed. "Come on,
You know what I mean.
Set. Established.
A direction in life.
A path. A purpose. A plan."
I looked at Him.
"That's in My Hands," He said.
"That's not what you're talking about."
I pulled the pillow on top of my face.
"You're talking about
The amenities of your friends' and acquaintances' lives.
You're wondering what you did wrong,
And why those things aren't present in your life right now."
"Yeah, okay, that's what I'm talking about."
"Is your life any less because
You lack these things?" He asked.
I sighed.
"I feel like I'm getting older
And life is going by without me.
Most people my age are
Married, and/or have kids by now.
Those who don't are pursuing
These high-flying careers.
Me?
Not married. No kids.
Working at a job that currently has
No upward mobility
In a rapidly disintegrating industry."
I looked at Him.
"Sometimes I feel discouraged and lost.
Sometimes I feel like I can't figure out
What it is I ought to be doing.
Sometimes my head chugs along at
A thousand miles an hour
Filled with all these half-dreams
And half-plans
That I never see through to fruition,
And I don't know if they don't blossom
Because they're not supposed to,
Or if I don't have what it takes
To see them through."
"Everyone's path is different,"
He reminded me.
"You can't look at you life
Through any other lens than
The events that it's comprised of.
Not everyone your age
Has buried both parents
In his or her twenties.
Not everyone discovers they're internationally adopted
So late in life,
And then has to unravel
The legal ramifications of that.
Not everyone gambles on the bond
With a best friend
And follows that best friend across the country.
Stop comparing your life
To the lives around you.
What you see is not the entirety
Of those people's stories anyway."
I nodded.
"Blanca... Remember."
And I could hear his words
Trying to pierce
The whirlwind around my heart.
"Seek Me first.
In all things,
Seek Me first.
Your life is in My hands, not yours."
He got up to leave.
As a parting thought, he offered,
"Perhaps the discord you're feeling
Is because you're trying to find your way
Without asking Me
Where it is you ought to go?"
I rolled over,
Sensing the rightness in His Words,
And the wrongness
Embedded in me...
And I don't feel like my life
Is where it should be,"
My sister told me several Wednesday evenings ago.
"Where should it be?" I returned.
"Whose plan are you following?
Whose yardstick are you measuring it by?
Kiddo, I do sales support for a living.
You can't buy into the ideas that are sold
About the road to happiness
And the means of getting there.
Real life is too messy, too complicated.
You can't look at your life
Through any other lens
Than the events that it's comprised of."
She agreed in word,
Even if what I had said
Didn't resonate in her heart.
I hung up with her,
And laid back in the bed.
"I hope she takes what I said to heart,"
I said aloud.
From where He was sitting
On the edge of the bed,
The Anointed One answered,
"I'll work on that."
"Thank you."
"And how are you feeling about
The same things?" He asked.
I laughed and rolled over,
Away from His searching gaze.
Tuesday night,
Several weeks ago.
The church thirty-something group members
Were having appetizers and a drink or two
At Z Tejas.
The conversation turned to
Areas of everyday knowledge
That I am oddly deficient in.
Cars. Travel. Student loans.
Stock portfolios. 401Ks. Condos.
Regular components of daily living
For a person in my age group and demographic
Living in the United States.
I grew silent,
And pensive.
Later on,
Sitting up in bed
In the middle of the night,
I talked to the Anointed One.
"What is it?" He asked me.
"Sometimes I question my life..." I trailed off.
"In what regard?"
"I feel like I'm not where
I ought to be."
A quizzical look crossed his face.
"And where should that be?" he asked.
"More...set."
"Set. What does that mean?"
"Established."
"Established in what?"
I sighed. "Come on,
You know what I mean.
Set. Established.
A direction in life.
A path. A purpose. A plan."
I looked at Him.
"That's in My Hands," He said.
"That's not what you're talking about."
I pulled the pillow on top of my face.
"You're talking about
The amenities of your friends' and acquaintances' lives.
You're wondering what you did wrong,
And why those things aren't present in your life right now."
"Yeah, okay, that's what I'm talking about."
"Is your life any less because
You lack these things?" He asked.
I sighed.
"I feel like I'm getting older
And life is going by without me.
Most people my age are
Married, and/or have kids by now.
Those who don't are pursuing
These high-flying careers.
Me?
Not married. No kids.
Working at a job that currently has
No upward mobility
In a rapidly disintegrating industry."
I looked at Him.
"Sometimes I feel discouraged and lost.
Sometimes I feel like I can't figure out
What it is I ought to be doing.
Sometimes my head chugs along at
A thousand miles an hour
Filled with all these half-dreams
And half-plans
That I never see through to fruition,
And I don't know if they don't blossom
Because they're not supposed to,
Or if I don't have what it takes
To see them through."
"Everyone's path is different,"
He reminded me.
"You can't look at you life
Through any other lens than
The events that it's comprised of.
Not everyone your age
Has buried both parents
In his or her twenties.
Not everyone discovers they're internationally adopted
So late in life,
And then has to unravel
The legal ramifications of that.
Not everyone gambles on the bond
With a best friend
And follows that best friend across the country.
Stop comparing your life
To the lives around you.
What you see is not the entirety
Of those people's stories anyway."
I nodded.
"Blanca... Remember."
And I could hear his words
Trying to pierce
The whirlwind around my heart.
"Seek Me first.
In all things,
Seek Me first.
Your life is in My hands, not yours."
He got up to leave.
As a parting thought, he offered,
"Perhaps the discord you're feeling
Is because you're trying to find your way
Without asking Me
Where it is you ought to go?"
I rolled over,
Sensing the rightness in His Words,
And the wrongness
Embedded in me...
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