I stand
At the epicenter
Of the cyclonic storms
Raging within me.
Winds howl and buffet -
Rain soaks me through -
Thunder rattles my bones.
Lightning illuminates the sky
With wild, vivid images
Of all that surges within me.
I stand as one lost,
Shivering,
In the cold.
Eyes shut,
I whisper through gritted teeth:
"Eli!"
"Child."
It is The Anointed,
Standing just outside
The eye of the tornado
I am standing in.
"Can you take away
Everything messing with me
From the inside out?"
I can taste the desperation
In my own voice.
"I cannot take it from you
By force.
You must give it up
Willingly."
"That's what I'm asking -"
"That's not what you're asking."
It is gentle,
But firm.
It is also true.
"Lord, I -"
I stop speaking,
And simply shake my head.
"I cannot take and heal
That which you will not
Give to Me,"
He reminds me.
I feel small and ashamed,
Perpetually tainted,
Perpetually on the run
From myself.
Spans of years
And a cross-country move
Haven't eliminated
This feeling of wrong-ness
Inside of me...
Everywhere I go,
There I am.
The gulf between
My external life
And internal life
Is narrowing,
Evidenced by
A growing restlessness and turbulence.
Ah, Lord,
You Who have calmed storms
On the open seas,
So too,
Do unto me!
The boat's filling fast,
And I do not wish
To perish!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Respite
Father,
We need some help down here,
STAT.
The wanderer has been
On a 48-hour tear,
Hardly sleeping,
Very belligerent and defiant,
Doing odd things
All hours of the day and night.
Her ankle is swollen
From being on her feet too much.
I understand
That this is a progression of the disease,
But we're running out of energy
To keep up with her;
I don't think we can handle
A day three of this.
When she finally sleeps tonight,
Please still and calm
That mis-firing brain of hers.
Please bring her to
A place of internal rest,
So that her body has time to recuperate,
And so that we have time
To do the same.
Lord,
Forgive my recent reticence,
And hear me!
Great Comforter,
I know that You can reach down,
And soothe the synapses
In the wandering momma's brain.
I humbly ask that You
Bring her into some measure of peace tonight.
She needs the rest,
As do we...
A Holy Rest,
Inaugurated by the healing touch
Of Your gentle, outstretched Hand...
We need some help down here,
STAT.
The wanderer has been
On a 48-hour tear,
Hardly sleeping,
Very belligerent and defiant,
Doing odd things
All hours of the day and night.
Her ankle is swollen
From being on her feet too much.
I understand
That this is a progression of the disease,
But we're running out of energy
To keep up with her;
I don't think we can handle
A day three of this.
When she finally sleeps tonight,
Please still and calm
That mis-firing brain of hers.
Please bring her to
A place of internal rest,
So that her body has time to recuperate,
And so that we have time
To do the same.
Lord,
Forgive my recent reticence,
And hear me!
Great Comforter,
I know that You can reach down,
And soothe the synapses
In the wandering momma's brain.
I humbly ask that You
Bring her into some measure of peace tonight.
She needs the rest,
As do we...
A Holy Rest,
Inaugurated by the healing touch
Of Your gentle, outstretched Hand...
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Grafted
"So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord." (Ephesians 2:19-21)
Lord,
I am old enough,
And have experienced enough
Of Your Saving Grace
To know when not to question
The way things happen,
Or the reason behind them.
The archer -
First spotted at Mountain View,
Singing with the rest of the
Blued-robed choir members.
I made eye contact with her
Several times during that first service,
But was too homesick for New Utrecht
To pay attention to much else.
I told Adalheid I was not going back.
She told me to go back.
I went back.
I crashed choir practice the following Wednesday,
And that same girl
Who had made eye contact with me
Introduced herself to me.
Someone else invited me to
Wednesday night post-choir-practice pizza.
I told them I would attend
Once I officially joined the choir after Easter.
I am not in Arizona four months yet.
During these initial, transitional months,
I have found myself drawn to the archer.
Perhaps it is our NYC connection.
Perhaps it is our mutual love of music.
Perhaps it is our warped senses of humor.
Whatever it may be,
I have been slowly, imperceptibly gravitating to her,
And have been slowly, imperceptibly
Pulling her into my household's orbit.
Like a farmer's grafting,
I see her rapidly becoming comfortable
With the frankness of Adalheid,
The off-handedness of the king,
The craziness of the wandering momma,
And the antics of a house that has
More pets than people.
When she sits at dinner,
And we all mutually taunt and abuse each other,
She fits right in,
Both as taunter and tauntee.
It's a good fit, Lord,
And I'm happy for it.
I'm happy because it's life-affirming to know
That a family unit can travel more than
Halfway across the country
And acquire yet another addition...
It's life-affirming to know
That a family unit can descend upon
A hapless, unsuspecting individual
And make that person feel at home
Within its walls and hearts.
Father,
Thank you for the gift
Of my burgeoning friendship with the archer.
Thank you for the ease with which
She feels at home here.
After all,
Aren't our homes here on earth
And the desire we have to be "at home"
A faint echo of
Our heart's longings
To be near and dear to You?...
Lord,
I am old enough,
And have experienced enough
Of Your Saving Grace
To know when not to question
The way things happen,
Or the reason behind them.
The archer -
First spotted at Mountain View,
Singing with the rest of the
Blued-robed choir members.
I made eye contact with her
Several times during that first service,
But was too homesick for New Utrecht
To pay attention to much else.
I told Adalheid I was not going back.
She told me to go back.
I went back.
I crashed choir practice the following Wednesday,
And that same girl
Who had made eye contact with me
Introduced herself to me.
Someone else invited me to
Wednesday night post-choir-practice pizza.
I told them I would attend
Once I officially joined the choir after Easter.
I am not in Arizona four months yet.
During these initial, transitional months,
I have found myself drawn to the archer.
Perhaps it is our NYC connection.
Perhaps it is our mutual love of music.
Perhaps it is our warped senses of humor.
Whatever it may be,
I have been slowly, imperceptibly gravitating to her,
And have been slowly, imperceptibly
Pulling her into my household's orbit.
Like a farmer's grafting,
I see her rapidly becoming comfortable
With the frankness of Adalheid,
The off-handedness of the king,
The craziness of the wandering momma,
And the antics of a house that has
More pets than people.
When she sits at dinner,
And we all mutually taunt and abuse each other,
She fits right in,
Both as taunter and tauntee.
It's a good fit, Lord,
And I'm happy for it.
I'm happy because it's life-affirming to know
That a family unit can travel more than
Halfway across the country
And acquire yet another addition...
It's life-affirming to know
That a family unit can descend upon
A hapless, unsuspecting individual
And make that person feel at home
Within its walls and hearts.
Father,
Thank you for the gift
Of my burgeoning friendship with the archer.
Thank you for the ease with which
She feels at home here.
After all,
Aren't our homes here on earth
And the desire we have to be "at home"
A faint echo of
Our heart's longings
To be near and dear to You?...
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