Oligopistoi

If God adorns the grasses that pass in a day, to be burned as fuel or as trash, "will he not do much more for you? You little-faiths!" (6:30). Here, Jesus uses a term that may have been his own invention: oligopistoi, "little-faiths." It occurs ten times in five verses in the Gospels. It seems to have been a nickname that he invented as a way of gently chiding his apprentices for their lack of confidence in God and in himself. *

Whirlwind week.
We are being tested,
Pushed and pulled,
The joy and hope of an Arizona move
Tainted by sudden, negative events.

I confess
That the thoughts in my head
Have been more in line with
"What are you doing?"
Than
"I'm so looking forward to this!"
Anxiety, fear, and doubt
Are at high levels,
Evidenced by an increased desire
For chocolate and sleep.

Lord,
You know how my brain becomes
When it functions on the micro level.
I get lost in the details,
Burdened by fears and doubts,
Misgivings and negative emotion.
Guard my thoughts.
Protect my heart.
Extinguish my anger and frustration.
The Adversary is pounding at me
Harder than usual.

Faith, Faith!
There's a reason why you
Are the shield in the armor of God.
You protect us from
The fiery darts of the Enemy. **
Right now it feels like you
Are one foot in diameter,
And I am exposed to
The thoughts, emotions, and temptations
Of the Enemy.
Grow, expand,
Until you fill my field of vision,
Until I am encompassed round about
By the knowledge of
The Love of God.

Anointed One,
It's as if I can hear You,
Standing before Your disciples,
Calling them "Little-Faiths."
There is no condemnation,
No judgment,
No reprimand in your tone...
Merely the calm assurance
Of One who sees All,
And knows better,
And unfailingly trusts the Father.
Speak thus to me.
Fill me with Your Faith
So that I may look,
Unflinchingly, ahead...

* The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard

** Ephesians 6: 10-20

Cocker Prayer

Lord,
Gabrielle goes for tests tomorrow
To see if the mammary lumps found
By the vet on Sunday
Are cancer that has spread to her organs.

Lord,
Gabrielle has been my friend
These past ten years.
I remember when she was a puppy...
That first morning after we brought her home.
Mommie found her sleeping
With her tongue sticking out,
Looking like she had
Passed in her sleep.
She came to me -
Always to me -
To check if the pup was breathing.
I watched the slow rise of her stomach,
And poked her for good measure
Until she opened her eyes
And looked at me as if to ask,
"Can I help you?"

She has never, from day one,
Respected or feared me,
But she has always, from day one,
Loved me.

Gabrielle,
Eater of money, Bibles, and books...
Lover of cats but not so much dogs...
Eternally linked to my mom
Through your advanced vocabulary
And appreciation of fine music,
Particularly "Deck the Halls" and
Piaf's "La Vie en Rose"...
You are my furry friend,
Listening,
And understanding
All that I tell you.
You grieved with me for Mommie.
You transitioned to a different kind of life
With me.
And now,
When we are so close
To warm days
And a backyard again...

Father,
I have made
The best decisions I can
Concerning Gabrielle.
I will ultimately accept Your Will,
But I will beg for her life nonetheless.
Please don't let it be cancer.
If it is cancer, don't let it have spread.
I dream of long walks with her
In the cool of an Arizona pre-dawn.
I dream of throwing her sticks to chase
In Adalheid's backyard.
Adalheid prays for her too, Father,
Prays for a few more years
Basking in sunshine.

Father,
Gabrielle's name
Comes from You -
From Gabriel -
Strong man of God.
She has always been strong...
Continue to be her strength
In these days and weeks ahead,
And give Adalheid and I
The strength to face
Whatever comes next.

Eli,
A few more years
Basking in the sun...
Please?...

Anger

Lord,
My sister and I
Last spoke on Tuesday
When I had called out sick.
The conversation
Did not end well.
My sister is very angry
That I am moving to Arizona.

We're going out to dinner tonight,
The whole family, comprised of
My aunt
My sister and her fiancé
My cousin and her fiancé
And myself.
I am nervous
As car service
Carries me along the Belt.

Lord,
Protect me
From her anger.
Make it dissipate
Like so much fog.
Let her see
The futility of it,
The harm it does
To herself and others.

We're coming off the exit.
If she assaults me,
Do not let anger take root in me.
Guard my mouth.
Guard my expressions.

Lord,
Please...
A nice evening
Without strife
If that is possible...

Birthday

O Lord,
Yesterday I turned 35.
Like Dante writing at the beginning
Of his Divine Comedy,
I stand
At the midpoint of my life.

For me, it was a day
Like any other,
Filled with the responsibilities
Of work and daily living.
And yet,
Memories and daydreams
Assaulted me all day,
Dancing around this date.

I saw myself born,
And for the first time,
It is not the daydream
Of my mom
Giving birth to me
In a Brooklyn hospital.
It is Bogotá, Colombia,
Our Lady of Bethlehem Hospital,
And a woman I have
No conscious memory of
Is giving birth to me at 3AM.
Am I her first born,
Or somewhere else in a line of siblings?
Why is there no father's name
On the birth certificate?
Who do I look like, I wonder?
Has she already decided
To give me up for adoption,
Or will she make that decision later,
Having laid eyes on me
For the first and last time?

I saw countless other birthdays,
A steady stream
Of crepe paper, signs, cards and gifts.
Mommie could turn
Any occasion into a celebration.
I awaken,
And run into the dining room
To find the walls and chairs -
Cups and plates, even! -
Alive with decorations.
Always, a card or a note
Would greet me
At my place setting.
This is what I miss the most...

I saw my 23rd birthday.
We are at Calverton.
Daddy's cedar casket
Stands before us.
They play "Taps,"
And we collectively weep.

I saw my 30th birthday.
Mommie had just passed in October.
It is a milestone, people keep telling me,
But the joy has evaporated
From my life.
I want to be happy,
But I don't know how to do that.
It takes a long time
To remember how to.

And yesterday?
Yesterday may very well have been
The last time I celebrate
A birthday in New York.
I had received
Birthdays calls, texts, emails
And Facebook messages
All day long.
My sister,
Who is angry with me,
Had not called or texted or ANYTHING
To wish me happy birthday
Until 7:30 in the evening.
It shouldn't bother me...
But it does.
I had dinner
With my best friend,
And the wandering momma,
Somehow grafted in
To a family
Not of my own design.

And in two months' time,
We will be relocating to Arizona.

At the Vegas Diner,
The waiter Eric
Stirred up a crowd of waiters and waitresses
Who took time out of their day
To bring me a slice of chocolate layer cake
And sing to me "Happy Birthday."
I felt eerily like Blanche Dubois:
"Whoever you are, I have always depended
On the kindness of strangers."

How different will my birthdays be
Moving forward?
Who will be around the cake next year?
Who won't be?

Lord,
Life is a gift,
And you have given me
A good life.
You have been with me
All this time,
From Colombia
And Before.
Continue to guide me,
And make Your Will,
Your Way, and Your Presence
Ever known to me.

Heal the breach now present
Between my sister and I.
This work is far beyond me.
I leave it in Your Capable Hands.

Father,
Thank you
For another birthday.

Pug Prayer

Lord,
My sister
Brought the Pugs
Into our home.
When we sold the house,
I gained custody of them.
Adalheid has told me
That they cannot move in to
The Arizona house;
There are simply
Too many animals
Between our households,
And they tip the scales
Toward unmanageable.

Father,
As I sit here
With the Pugs
Sleeping in my lap,
I thank You
For the time
We have spent together.
I pray that my plan
To find them
A temporary foster home
Works out well for them,
And gives me
Peace of mind.
The Pugs are Yours
Before they are mine.
Help me as I seek
A temporary home,
Refuge for these refugees
Who I did not seek,
But You saw fit
To give me.

Father,
Grant them a long, healthy life,
And a retirement lived out
In a warm climate
Where they don't sit and shiver
In the air of a cold, Brooklyn morning.
I promised them
Golden years spent in the sun.
Grant that I
May keep my promise to them...

Clamor

Sister,
You ask me why -
Why do I not
Go out of my way
To make more time
To spend with you.
You ask why it is
That I touch base with Adalheid
When we are together.
You ask why we cannot
Have time alone,
Without interruptions.

Beneath your questions
Lie deeper questions.
"Why don't you love me
As you obviously do
Your Precious Adalheid?
Why can't we have
What she and you possess?"

I can hear the clamor in your voice,
A desperation born out of
Fear of being abandoned,
Fear of being alone,
Fear of bearing responsibilities alone,
Fear of losing that last link
To Mommie and Daddy.

Do not doubt
That I love you.
I would do anything for you,
And have tried to show you that.
Perhaps I haven't tried enough,
Or haven't satisfied you with my attempts.
For that, I am sorry,
But I do love you,
And no power can change that.

The distance between us
Is not a chasm of love,
But a chasm of trust.

I am not safe with you.
I hate your fiery temper
And the violence of
Your words and deeds.
I hate being assaulted with
Carefully constructed doubts,
Possible scenarios meant to manipulate,
And always, always
Guilt for things done,
And things not done.
Will you forever tie me to the past,
And make me bear the burden
Of sorrow and shame?
Will you forever seek to lay me low
In order to control me,
And stop me from courses of action
You disagree with?

No.
It ends now.
I have tasted life without guilt.
I have experienced love
That emboldens, and strengthens, and comforts,
That disagrees but does not seek to sway,
That allows for freedom of movement and thought,
That makes me feel sane and complete.

While you clamor for
What you cannot have,
I clamor for healing and wholeness,
And I am choosing the path
That takes me there...

By Another Way

Kid sister,
Why do you have to make it
So hard for me
To talk to you?
Your anger flares
Hot and heavy,
Threatening to consume you.

I see Mommie's strain
Of jealousy
And possessiveness
Stamped across your personality.
I wonder how it will impact
The rest of your life,
And who else you will alienate
Because of it.

I hear her controlling, guilt-producing tirades
Coming forth from you.
I hear all the litanies
Of sins I've committed
Pouring out from your lips,
Ever asking the question
"How could you do this?"
You accuse me
Of not thinking for myself,
But I see you trapped
In the old, unhealthy ways.

We have learned such different lessons
Over the course of the years.

Yesterday morning,
I sat with other members
Of my congregation,
Discussing the significance
Of the Magi returning to their country
By another way.
They had encountered
The Messiah
And were traveling home
After having been transformed
By their Divine Encounter.

Somehow,
I must do the same with you,
Because home resides, in part,
With you.
You and I are the only two left
Of our immediate family.
You and I are the only ones
Who can remember
The beauty, and strength,
And wisdom, and wit
Of our parents.
You and I are the ones
Bound together by family ties
That you now threaten to sever.

I am retracing
The journey of the Magi,
Finding a way home to you
Not back by the way I came,
But through forward momentum,
And difficult decisions,
Navigating the treacherous minefield
Of guilt and derision and fury
That you place before me.

Father,
I am deeply troubled
As I embark.
Reconcile us,
My Lord and King,
And show me
The other way
That I must now follow...

St. John's

Lord,
Incline Your ear
To this small prayer
For a young man
I do not personally know,
But have heard much about.

You have given him
A full scholarship,
A shot an an education
That may otherwise
Be out of his reach.
But he cannot pursue
His education any further
Without the funds
To re-enter the country.

Lord,
You are Provider
And Sustainer
Of our lives.
I pray that
You make a path
For this young man
To continue his schooling here.
Lord,
Show him a way,
Illumine the way.
As You guided Israel
Out of Egypt
In a cloud by day
And a pillar of fire by night,
So, too,
Lead him back here.

Father,
May my prayer
Be acceptable to You
And in accordance
With Your Will.
Allow him to grow
In knowledge and wisdom
So that he may know You better
And glorify You
From everlasting to everlasting!