Tora Lora Lora: A Reflection

Ma,
I miss you more than I have
Words to express.
I blinked. In a heartbeat,
You were gone.
Our world became so much darker
Without your fire, your wit,
Your strength, your goodness,
Your brains, your warmth.
We were left
To stand or fall
Without you.
The persistent question
Remains unanswered:
Will I ever see you again?

Yours is the first voice I remember,
The first words and songs
I spoke and sang.
The lyrics from Tora Lora Lora
Pursue me with their candor,
Laden with memories:
"I'd give the world
If I could see
My mother's face today."

Lord...
Why now?
Why am I grieving
After almost five years
Of her absence?
Why can't I bottle myself up,
Run from myself as I so often do?
What do You want me to do
With my mourning -
Deal with it?
Face it?
Hand it over to You?
What do You intend to do
With my mourning -
Comfort me?
Heal me?
Transform it into something else?
I don't know how to let it out.
I don't know how to let it go.
I don't know how to hand it over
And say, "Help me deal with this."

Just help me, Lord.
You know what's best.

Lord,
I do have a request.
I have heard that
When people die,
Those who have gone on ahead
Often accompany them Home.
So when I'm on my
Last walk Home,
And Jesus comes for me,
Please let Ma come for me too.
Let me see the two of them walking
Side by side
Smiling broadly
To tell me
"Come on, now, time for
The next life to begin!"

Body

You and I have been at war
For many a year now.
Since first grade, when I first saw myself
Through other people's eyes,
We have battled, locked in a 
Mutual enmity. 
I sought to ignore you and your needs. 
I wrestled unsuccessfully with your endless streams of
Cravings and demands
Bordering on addiction and obsession. 
Somewhere deep within,
I longed to be unleashed from you. 
I prayed for corporeal disembodiment,
To be a floating consciousness
Unfettered from flesh. 
Now, 
We wear the signs of the struggle,
And I long for peace with you. 
Not just a truce,
But genuine peace,
Where I can say,
"I finally feel at home in my flesh."
I realize that the body is not
A heinous thing. 
After all, it was the Creator who
Gifted us with bodies,
And we can only experience Him
Within souls and spirits 
Temporarily housed in those bodies. 
Someday we will be clothed in 
Incorruptible bodies - 
But bodies we will continue to have. 

Lord, 
Remove Epictetus *
From my Christ-like thought processes.
Let me remember that the body
Is Your gift,
And a temple
Holy unto You,
To be honored and respected,
Until it is transformed 
Into a vessel of 
Your incorruptible Glory!

* Epictetus was a Greek philosopher of the Stoic school of thought

Looking for King David

It has been five years
Since I have been on a 
Simple date. 
Five years!
So much has changed
In that time. 
I am unrecognizable 
To myself. 
Those years have witnessed
The death of my mother
The sale of the family home 
A bout with illness that 
Continues even now
A job laden with responsibility
An apartment still not unpacked
After a year and a half
And shared with five pets
A best friend whose family
Has become my second one 
So many changes and struggles
Transforming me into who, 
I'm not sure yet,
All endured with the help of
Family and friends 
(For which I am grateful!)...
But I must admit 
That something is lacking
And the loneliness of the journey
Is starting to take its toll. 
I see other people coupled, partnered. 
I wonder, how does one find 
An ezer, a helpmeet,
A friend willing to share 
Your journey, your adventure,
Wanting to embark on one 
Jointly with you?
I wonder, and ask things like, 
"God, I'm such an oddball,
Is there actually someone out there
For me?"
I am looking for King David,
A sinner enraptured by the Heart of God,
Someone who will not judge me
For my past follies
And indiscretions,
Who can worship in song and word,
Whether seated on his throne,
Or staring down the point of a sword. 
Does such a one exist? 
Will I be able to incorporate him
Into the ragtag life I am building?
O Lord,
I will pray for that which I cannot utter aloud.
Only You know the workings of my heart. 
You said that it was not good for Adam to be alone - 
So even though he had You,
He was still alone
Because he lacked a compliment 
To himself! - 
And You gave him Eve. 
Could You send me someone please 
Someone the world looks at funny
(Like me)...
An ezer, a helpmeet,
A sinner enraptured by the Heart of God,
A godly man,
As they were once referred to. 
I am looking for King David,
But don't know where or how to look. 
I could use some help here, Lord,
Because even though I love
You, my family, my friends, and pets,
I'm wearing a little thin.
I, too, seek the refuges found
In the depths of
Another human heart... 

Three Lines of Text

My job

Often frustrates me.

I work for the classified department

Of a community newspaper chain.

I am trainer, IT, administrative support, accounts receivable, legals backup, paginator, customer service,
Fixer of broken things and

Builder of things that don't yet exist.

I am whoever and whatever

My team needs

In an endlessly shifting, urgency-driven environment.

In my moments of angst, I feel that

My team is too needy and selfish,

My boss is too overwhelmed to notice I'm drowning,

My knowledge to complete projects and tasks is inadequate,

My foresight and understanding are not where they should be,

And the amount of work is more

Than a human being can complete in a day.

My moments of angst

Are coming more and more frequently.

Lord, are you testing me?

The knowledge that I am not doing

What I'm meant to be doing

Pricks at me,

Yet...

The passageway to a new calling

Eludes me.

Are you training me for the next phase?

Are you trying me

Like gold in a furnace?...

Purifying me through heat,

Burning away my impurities,

Testing me through fire?

Lord, let it be so.

Let me learn greater patience,

Bear larger burdens,

Overcome greater obstacles

Through the trials before me.

Lord...

Three lines of text are the smallest ads I have ever seen.

When I despair,

Remind me

That Your Will can be worked

Through three lines of text

In a community newspaper,

Or on the newspaper websites.

Remind me that three lines of text

Can mean the difference between

A job

An apartment

A house

An urgently needed service.

Remind me of

The house Upstate my parent bought 26 years ago

After seeing an ad in the Bay News.

Remind me of the many jobs

I have found from the classifieds.

Remind me of

...The out-of-work man using the papers to find a job...

...The family that's grown too big for their one bedroom apartment

Using the site to find a new home...

...The elderly woman calling the 24-hour plumber

When the heat in her house dies...

Lord, My God!

Redeem us as people individually,

And as a team collectively.

Redeem the work of our hands, that it may be fruitful

For our clients and ourselves.

Redeem the leaders, that they may exercise

Wisdom and good judgment.

Redeem our hearts, that our intentions and purposes

Are for the good of those we serve.

Use us for good, for good, O God!

Redeem my work, Father,

And the processes of my mind,

And the strength of Your Spirit dwelling within me,

That I may stumble less,

Learn more,

Support better,

And endure more.

Three lines of text

Seem so small, Lord,

But was it not with words

That You created the world?

Using the power of words,

Help us change the world

For Good,

O My God.

Psalm 66:16 - A Meditation

A prayer of thanksgiving

"Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul."

O Lord,
My God,
I praise You
For Your mercy,
Not for me directly, 
But for the life 
Of my best friend. 
Thank you for sparing her
From a physical, generational curse. 
Thank you for preserving her
For her own sake, her husband,
Her mother, her pets,
Her family and friends,
And me...
You have answered the unspoken petitions
Of my soul,
O My God.
I thank You
From the bottom of my heart
And I praise You
For Your mercy.

1 Corinthians:7 - A Meditation

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

"Love bears all things"
Bears, as in, shoulders the burden. 
...Like the cross You carried up Calvary...
...Like the offering You made of Yourself
To pay the sin-debt we incurred. 
How do I compare
My daily burdens to that?
Suddenly a phone call I don't want to make,
Or a task I don't wish to do
Seems very small indeed!

"Believes all things,"
...Like the promises of God to raise You up again...
...Like the gift of salvation we have been freely given by Your death and resurrection.
How small my daily world is
Compared to an Eternity of Heaven!
How minute are my worries about 
All the things passing away
To be someday replaced by 
All that is
Holy and Good and True!

"Hopes all things"
...Like the hope You gave the criminal 
When You promised that he would be in Paradise with You...
...Or the hope You gave so many 
Through Your teachings, healings, and miracles...
...Or the hope You gave the world 
By choosing death over life,
Agony and rejection for us,
So that we can be called
Children of the Living God. 
How do I comprehend the meaning
Of calling God "Father?"
I am as nothing, a breath, 
A leaf blown off the Tree of Life
In a moment,
And yet burning in me,
And growing brighter every day,
Is the knowledge of Your Love for me, 
And the hope of Eternal Life in You. 

"Endures all things."
...Like the 40 days of fasting and prayer in the wilderness...
...Like the temptations of the Adversary...
...Like a society not ready to accept the Kingdom of God...
...Like the pain of a friend's betrayal...
...Like the overwhelming fear in Gethsemane...
...Like the illegal trial, unjust sentence, corporal punishment, and horrifying execution at the hands of the entire world...
How...HOW?...
And for us?
(We are not worthy. 
[I know that's the point].)
Because You endured and overcame,
I can do likewise. 
Because You suffered, and were redeemed -
Loved, and conquered death - 
There's nothing in this life 
I cannot do. 
You show true love
For a broken creation,
And rooted in Your love,
I can bear and believe and hope and endure
Until we see each other 
Face to face. 

Psalm 57:2 - A Meditation

"I cry out to God Most High,
To God who fulfills his purpose for me."

"I"
Who?  Me.  My heart.  My soul.
Everything inside me.
Does what?
"Cry out"
Call to, as in distress
(Which I am often in)
As in, "Help!
Rescue me! Save me!
I'm drowning here!
Can't do this alone!
Can't do this without You!"
To Whom?
"To God Most High"
God -
The Eternal, Omniscient
Triune Godhead.
The God who fashioned me
In my mother's womb,*
And numbered every hair on my head.**
The God who plucked me out of
The land of my birth,
And gifted me with
A family, a life, here.
The Covenant God of
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,
Who brought forth his Son
To die for my sins,
And raised Him from the dead,
So that I could have eternal life.
The God who sees all,
Knows all, plans all,
From his Heavenly Throne on High,
Creator of the Universe,
Of all that is seen and unseen.
Who do I cry out to?
HIM.
"To God,"
The I AM,
Ever-present,
Who sustains His Creation
With the Breath of Life,
And through His Son is
Reconciling the world
Unto Himself. ***
"Who fulfills"
What does it mean to fulfill?
Thesaurus.com spins it first as
A verb:
To bring to completion
And next as
A verb:
To succeed in doing.
This is a God of actions,
Doing, making, still working
Within His Creation.
Sounds like He's busy!
Busy fulfilling what?
"His purpose for me."
Who's purpose?
Not my parents', my sister's,
My friends', my boss',
Or even my own purposes,
But His purpose for me.
Which of course indicates that He has one -
A plan for me.
A future for me.
A meaning behind what appears to be
My random life.
Which means that He's not some clockwork god
Who wound up the Universe and left it to rot
And He's not so far away
That He can't see and act upon
What's happening now.
He's right here,
Working in me and through me
For His designs and ends.
God fashions all things
For good (even and including the bad things!)
For those He loves. ****

Lord,
Fulfill Your purpose for me.
Remind me that although I may not
Know the reason,
Or understand the course,
That You know and understand all,
And my eternal life is safe
In Your Hands. 

* Psalm 139:13
** Luke 12:7
*** 2 Corinthians 5:18-20
**** Romans 8:28

Tongue

Lord, 
You used words 
To create the Universe. 
You spoke, 
And we became. 
Why, then, do I use words 
To weaken, to destroy,
To abuse, to lie?
Why do I think one thing
And say another?
Why do words exit my mouth 
Without thought,
Or fear of consequences?

Tongue - 
Evil member of my dust-destined body - 
Be bridled!
Learn restraint and control!
Learn praise and edification!
Be still, not ever eager
To tear down and desecrate,
To curse and profane. 
You, too, are a member of the Body, 
A piece of the Temple of 
The Living God,
And your use must be conformed
To the Spirit residing in the Temple. 

Lord,
Make me slow to think,
Slow to judge,
Slow to react,
Slow to speak. 
In the stillness of your Voice,
Teach me how to control
This viper that prowls
Through Your Glorious Temple.