Daniel Fast: A Reflection

There is no doubt in my mind

That the Daniel Fast

Is one of the hardest acts of discipline

I have ever engaged in.

When stripped of the comforts of food,

Anger, frustration, and bitterness

Reigned supreme.

It's surprising to discover

Who I am underneath

The outward veneer

Of compassion and kindness.

I better understand the difference

Between will worship -

Willing myself to behave as I ought -

And relying on your grace

To transform me

So that I can naturally behave

As a daughter of the Most High.

I do not seek You enough

Throughout the day.

I do not turn to You for counsel and wisdom

As often as I should...

Which I now understand should be

Closer to every two minutes...

Lord,

The desire to know You more fully,

And to experience the riches of glory

Through the saving grace of Your Son,

Can only come from You.

Fill me with Your Spirit.

Lead me to walk closer to Your Anointed.

Search me, sear me, cleanse me,

So that others may see

Your Glory made manifest through me,

And know that you are

The Most High.

I am a child at the feet of Your Throne.

Allow me to tarry

In the embrace

Of Your Arms...

A Binding

Father,

Sin is the barrier

To effective communication with You.

But You have promised

That if we confess our sins,

You will forgive us,*

And restore our line of communication with You.

Father,

I confess all my sins,

Sins of omission and sins of commission,

To You.

Incline Your ear to hear me.

I have never quite prayed like this before,

And I feel compelled to call upon

Your righteousness,

Your truthfulness,

Your holiness,

Not for me,

But for others.

Lord of Hosts,

I pray that I am not speaking

From a place of unjustified anger or spite against anyone.

You judge hearts.

You know all things.

Find my prayer acceptable

And in line with Your Will.

As Your Daughter,

I come to You with something

Only You can help me with.

Lord,

Someone is harassing and badgering

The Aussie.

It is unprovoked.

It is wrong.

It is out of line,

And it needs to stop.

If there is something I ought to do,

Reveal that to me.

If there is nothing I ought to do,

Reveal that to me too.

You alone know the depths of my heart,

And the prayers of the Holy Spirit

That rise up continually before You

On her behalf. 

Guard her, Lord.

Protect her ways.

Only You truly can.

This same someone is sewing

Seeds of discontent and restlessness

In the team.

In the background,

She is manipulating

Other people's

Hearts and minds.

Lord,

I ask that you bind this person's power

To inflict further harm on us.

I ask that you make her stop

Planting destruction in her wake.

Whatever vendetta she carries,

Whatever grievance ails her so,

Ease it from her.

Let her see that

Manipulation is no way to carry oneself...

Lashing out at others isn't ok...

And you don't know what impact your words will have on another,

So you must carefully consider them.

Let the plan of action

Over the next few days

Put a stop to the attacks on the Aussie.

Lessen the damage of this woman's words

On those she seeks to affect.

Let the team discern that her words

Do not come from a place of truth.

Abba,

We struggle from within,

And we struggle from without. 

Relieve this added burden from us.

I pray that you would be merciful

In your dealings with us,

And protect us.

In the name of Your Son

Jesus Christ, I pray.

Amen.

* 1 John 1:9

Letting Go

More than any other Discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us. This is a wonderful benefit to the true disciple who longs to be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ. We cover up what is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface. If pride controls us, it will be revealed almost immediately. David writes, "I humbled my soul with fasting" (Ps. 69:10).  Anger, bitterness, jealousy, strife, fear - if they are within us, they will surface during fasting. At first we will rationalize that our anger is due to our hunger; then we will realize that we are angry because the spirit of anger is within us.
Celebration of Discipline, Richard J. Foster

When I first read these sentences,
I remember thinking,
"How could fasting 
Reveal all that?"

Ha ha ha,
The joke is on me!

Food and drink -
Providers of false comfort,
Releasers of endorphins,
You and I have had a relationship
Fraught with trouble for many years. 
Now that you have been winnowed
To bare minimums - 
Now that I am not reaching for
The coffee, or chocolate, or beer, or mashed potatoes
To self-soothe,
I really feel life crashing in on me.
I see all the other areas of excess 
I so often engage in
(Such as work).
I see how I eat when I'm upset,
Frustrated, sad, angry, bored. 
I see how I use food
To cover my emotions. 
I see that those emotions,
Laid bare,
Are shocking in their depth. 

Lord, 
I felt You near me Monday night,
As I laid,
Sleep-deprived and spent,
On Adalheid's basement floor. 
It was a nudging,
While I cried and cried...
A conversation that went 
Something like this:

"Give it to Me."

"Give what to You?"

"Everything. 
Your fears and anxieties for the future. 
Your guilt and grief for the past.
Your feeling of being overwhelmed by life. 
All that troubles you. All of it."

"Lord, I don't know how."

"You cannot heal yourself. 
You cannot save yourself. 
Let it go. Give it to Me."

In my mind's eye,
I imagine Golgotha.
I imagine myself standing
At the feet 
Of my Savior. 
I am holding a bundle, 
Clinging to it with a deathgrip. 
Inside, 
Are all the years of 
Pride
Shame
Masochism
Pain
Grief
Fear
And the 1001 negative things
I continue to harbor. 

"Let it go."

"Lord, I don't know how."

"Start by trusting me. 
Your life is in My hands. 
Have no illusions:
It is My Will that gives you breath,
That nurtures you and sustains you. 
My Mercy brought you from a different land
To make this place your home. 
I was with you 
Before you drew your first breath,
And I will greet you
At the last trumpet."

I am at Golgotha,
Being stripped away layer by layer,
When unexpectedly, I hear the Aussie's words,
(And I have to laugh): 
"Stop trying to be
General Manager of the Universe." 

Stupidly, stubbornly,
This bundle remains in my hands,
As I contemplate
The terrifying, exhilarating freedom
Of finally leaving it
At the feet of the Savior...

Sojourner

"Reside in this land as an alien, and I will be with you, and will bless you." Genesis 26:3, NRSV

Lord,

Your Word declares You

The god of the poor and oppressed,

The widows,

The aliens,

And the orphans.

You give succor and aid,

Breath and life,

To all who cry out to You

(And even to those who don't).

Lord,

I approach Your Throne daily

With prayers, concerns, questions...

Seeking guidance, strength, and discernment.

Please hear me this morning.

I believe You brought the Aussie here

For Your reasons and purposes.

I pray that You keep her here

And that her time with us is not ended.

You know how much this means to her.

You also know how much this means to others, like myself.

Let everything go well for her today, Lord.

Let her continue to sojourn here.

You guided Abraham from a foreign land

To make his home elsewhere.

You blessed him and his descendants

Because they trusted You.

Father, remember the Aussie today

Continue her sojourn in this foreign land

So that she may know You more fully,

And participate in the blessings

That You have promised

To all who put their faith in You.

Homesick for Eden

In one of the more obscure corners of Brooklyn
Rests the neighborhood
I grew up in. 
For most of my life
I lived there,
Soaking in the spring green
Of the backweeds,
Breathing in the sea spray
Of the salt marsh. 
A family errand 
Brings me here this morning,
And as I walk along the one main avenue,
I am curiously homesick. 

A flood of memories assault me,
Most of them fraught and troubled. 
What, exactly, am I homesick for?
I ponder, and wonder, and remember...

When I was eight,
Our parents bought a summer home,
Tucked away in a quiet valley
In Sullivan County. 
I close my eyes and see
My eight-year-old self
Climbing trees...
Picking up rocks...
Catching grasshoppers with my bare hands...
On Erin and Laura's swings, to see who could go highest...
Watching squirrels zip through the trees...
And staring at the night sky, losing myself 
In the majestic, starry view
That the city's streetlamps conceal.
It is hard for me to recapture
The wistfulness I used to feel,
But whenever I visit the house,
A familiar pang hits me. 
What is it, if not homesickness for this time and space
Of my youth? 

I have been drawn 
To oases of natural beauty
My whole life. 
I decided on a high school in the Rockaways
After standing on the boardwalk
And surveying the mighty Atlantic. 
I decided on a college that resided
On one of the greenest blocks in Brooklyn. 
I stare at trees, and flowers, and oceans, and mountains, and hills, and stars, and creatures
With all the intensity and longing
Of someone waiting for their beloved to return from war,
Waiting for that initial embrace that declares,
"Here I am, and your place is with me." 
But what is the nameless, faceless Home
I ache for?

Ah, My Lord,
I am not a creature meant to live and work 
In structures of brick and mortar, concrete and steel.
I yearn for Eden...
I long to walk in a Garden with You,
And talk with You as easily as
A daughter to a loving father. 
I long to feel grass beneath my feet,
And feel dew on my resurrection body,
And hear all creation
Sing Your praises. 

Father...
How much longer
Until you redeem
This flawed, broken creation,
This realm that only dimly mirrors
The wonders of Your Glory?...

Marred on the Wheel

My Lord God,
I've been on the Daniel Fast since Tuesday,
And I don't know
If I've ever felt more off-kilter 
In my life. 
There's a low-level rumbling
In my stomach
That will not stop. 
The methods of self-soothing
I am so accustomed to - 
Food and coffee and drink -
Are off limits to me. 
I find I am physically withdrawing
From the caffeine,
And the headache I've had since Monday
Is only today going away. 
I am more moody and cranky than usual. 
Everything going wrong at the office
Is magnified a hundredfold,
Until I long to smash the monitor
Against the windows. 
My Lord God,
I AM SO ANGRY!!!!
I remember this bubbling, 
This welling up
Of fury 
That would consume me 
When I was younger. 
Why is this surfacing now?
What is wrong with me?
I thought I was past all that,
Was way beyond
The urge to smash and break,
To swing and destroy. 
But no, three days without fleshly comforts
And I am frustrated beyond belief,
Snapping at people, 
Ready to cry 
When someone offers me 
A package of oatmeal cookies!
Father,
You are the Potter. 
I am the vessel. 
I implore you,
Take this spirit of anger from me,
Once and for all. 
Help me know Your Christ more fully,
So that I can understand the peace
That a life in Him can bring. 
Don't leave me here
Languishing
Wondering if there's any saving
From the sensation
Of being raw clay
Marred on the wheel...

Walls

For the one whose name means "the new house."
Learn to build one, and fill it with friends and love!

Father,
Why do we build walls around ourselves
To shut out You,
Others, 
And ourselves
From ourselves?
Are we that afraid of the revealing,
Of what other will see
Or judge?

Father,
I saw a young man today
Clearly, like seeing through glass. 
You know his name. 
He has been hardened by life. 
He has retreated behind his own fortress. 
Please make my words 
Stick with him
And spark a fire
Which lies dormant. 
No man is an island. 
No one can stand utterly alone. 
Let him see and experience
Something of the good in people.
Let him see and experience
Pieces of You
To kindle within him
Hope alive and anew! 

Beseech

Holy Father,
Adalheid's great-nephew
Is in surgery right now. 
Lord of the living,
Almighty Creator of all,
Let Your Presence fill that operating room. 
Let Your Hands guide others' hands,
Your Eyes shed light in others' minds. 
Bring the young boy 
Safely through the surgery,
So that he can play and frolic
And enjoy life in his childhood...
So that he can grow and mature 
And become a young man
Someday with a family of his own...
So that he can pass, and step into Your Glory,
A happy, old man, with praises for You
On his lips. 
Lord, Giver of Life,
Keep Sheol far from this boy today,
And for many more days to come. 
All our lives are but a breath. 
They pass in the blink of an eye
Before You. 
But to us,
And those who love us,
They are so precious.
Preserve this boy.
Bring him to experience
The fullness of days
That only You can give. 
We ask this in the name of Your Son,
Our Saving Grace, 
The fulfillment of all the hopes
Of the ages. 
Lord,
Let this prayer ascend to Heaven. 
Hear us this day, we beseech You. 
Amen...

Author's Note: This prayer was composed this morning between 8 and 9 am, during my commute to work.  I received the following text from Adalheid later on this afternoon, regarding a Facebook status update from her niece: "Dr. just came out.  Surgery went perfect, text book case.  Waiting to hear about extubation and see him."  God is good!

Whisper

I know people say
I am crazy
When I tell them that You
Reveal things to me
About the classified system
In our office. 
But I am not crazy
Because I know the difference 
Between my thoughts
(They sound like a whirlwind)
And Your thoughts
(They sound like a gentle breeze
Blowing amongst tree leaves). 
You kept me in that chair tonight
Poking and prodding
Fiddling and testing
Until I saw the error,
Not in the process I created,
But in the failsafe for the process. 
Thank you for showing me
The flaw
That would have cost us
Resources in space and labor. 
I was panicking, as you know. 
You broke through. 
Thank you for propping me up,
Holding onto me
When I feel I will fly to pieces. 
I know You're there
Even when I can't hear You.
Praise to the Lord of the 
Weary, frustrated, bleary-eyed office worker
Traveling home at almost 9pm.
I couldn't have made it through this day
Without You!

Daniel Fast

In those days I, Daniel, was mourning for three weeks. I ate no delicacies, no meat or wine entered my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, for the full three weeks. Daniel 10:2,3.

Father...
You have told us
To first seek the Kingdom of Heaven. 
The ancients understood
That prayer and fasting 
Was a way to destroy spiritual barriers.
Our fiscal year is starting next week,
And I have not been able 
To remove from my head
The idea of a Daniel fast
To kick off this new year. 
Adalheid and the king
Think I am nuts. 
I'm sure Zhenya thinks so too. 
But the thought has been with me
Since reading Franklin's book,
And I am taking that to mean
That it is something I should do. 

My Lord God,
Give me the strength 
To not waver in my fast. 
I have already experienced
Otherworldly insights and emotions,
Divine kisses from the Holy Spirit,
From a day's fast.
What will three weeks yield?

I fear I am not prepared enough. 
I fear the cravings that regularly possess me. 
I fear that I don't know the first thing 
About practically conducting myself during this time. 
I fear that I am not spiritually prepared enough
To embark on this. 
I only know that I am going to the supermarket,
Stocking up on fruits and vegetables,
And doing more praying than usual.
Lord,
Is that enough?

Lord,
I have sinned greatly,
Against You,
And Your Creation. 
Forgive me my sins. 
Our department has sinned,
Against You, 
Against each other, 
And against others. 
Forgive us, Father. 
Forgive us,
Not because we deserve it
(For we do not),
But because You are righteous,
And holy, and merciful. 

Lord,
We ask for your blessing 
As we embark on this new fiscal year. 
We ask that You would bless
Our leaders -
Give them good judgment, wisdom, discernment,
Patience, perseverance, and inspiration. 
We ask that You would bless 
Our sales team -
Give them an honest and helpful spirit,
Wisdom in strategizing and selling,
And a sense of family
That keeps them from harming each other.
We ask that You would bless
The support team,
Myself and the interns. 
Make the work of our hands
Fruitful and productive,
A lifting of the burdens of the team,
A bridge of communication between the various departments,
A fountain of insightful information to any who drink from it,
An encouragement, a fortifier, 
A servant in spirit and truth to all. 

Almighty God,
Heavenly Father
And Keeper of my life,
Help me draw nearer to You
At this time. 
Touch my heart,
Speak to me
As I seek
Deeper communion with You. 
I am little more than dust. 
My life is but a breath. 
But I believe that You
Have prepared a place for me
Near You. 
Lead me along. 
Guide my steps
As I walk this earth
In pilgrimage 
Towards You. 

Author's Note: a Daniel Fast food list can be found here:
http://danielfast.wordpress.com/daniel-fast-food-list/.
An overview of the Daniel Fast can be found here:
http://www.daniel-fast.com/