Into the Grave

Good Friday service.
I was reading aloud to the congregation
A list of words
Associated with the Crucifixion:
Sun.
Crossbeam.
Incline.
Golgotha.
Pound...
Pound...

Moments later,
As the congregation filed out,
I sat in one of the back rows,
The sounds of nails being struck
Ringing in my mind's ears.

That my God
Should suffer and take upon Himself
The wrath and judgment
Wrought by my sinful life and nature
Is an idea I sometimes can hardly fathom.
Oh, I am grateful,
Knowing that I cannot even approach
My Creator unaided...
But the mere idea
That One would come
And stand in my place
And lead a sinless life
And bear the punishment
I so richly deserve
Is sometimes too much.
That My God should atone
For my sins with His life
And conquer death
And offer me the gift of eternal life?
There is no higher form of Love than this...

Into the grave He went,
The grave that would not
Be able to contain Him...

Rising,
Rising,
Lord and King,
You have ransomed us.
You have conquered death for us.

It is a comfort to know
That when I die,
And sleep in the grave,
That I will one day awaken
And behold Your Glorious Face!

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16 KJV)

Arrested Development

"I'm turning 30 tomorrow,
And I don't feel like my life
Is where it should be,"
My sister told me several Wednesday evenings ago.

"Where should it be?" I returned.
"Whose plan are you following?
Whose yardstick are you measuring it by?
Kiddo, I do sales support for a living.
You can't buy into the ideas that are sold
About the road to happiness
And the means of getting there.
Real life is too messy, too complicated.
You can't look at your life
Through any other lens
Than the events that it's comprised of."

She agreed in word,
Even if what I had said
Didn't resonate in her heart.

I hung up with her,
And laid back in the bed.

"I hope she takes what I said to heart,"
I said aloud.

From where He was sitting
On the edge of the bed,
The Anointed One answered,
"I'll work on that."

"Thank you."

"And how are you feeling about
The same things?" He asked.

I laughed and rolled over,
Away from His searching gaze.

Tuesday night,
Several weeks ago.
The church thirty-something group members
Were having appetizers and a drink or two
At Z Tejas.

The conversation turned to
Areas of everyday knowledge
That I am oddly deficient in.
Cars. Travel. Student loans.
Stock portfolios. 401Ks. Condos.
Regular components of daily living
For a person in my age group and demographic
Living in the United States.

I grew silent,
And pensive.

Later on,
Sitting up in bed
In the middle of the night,
I talked to the Anointed One.

"What is it?" He asked me.

"Sometimes I question my life..." I trailed off.

"In what regard?"

"I feel like I'm not where
I ought to be."

A quizzical look crossed his face.
"And where should that be?" he asked.

"More...set."

"Set. What does that mean?"

"Established."

"Established in what?"

I sighed. "Come on,
You know what I mean.
Set. Established.
A direction in life.
A path. A purpose. A plan."
I looked at Him.

"That's in My Hands," He said.
"That's not what you're talking about."

I pulled the pillow on top of my face.

"You're talking about
The amenities of your friends' and acquaintances' lives.
You're wondering what you did wrong,
And why those things aren't present in your life right now."

"Yeah, okay, that's what I'm talking about."

"Is your life any less because
You lack these things?" He asked.

I sighed.
"I feel like I'm getting older
And life is going by without me.
Most people my age are
Married, and/or have kids by now.
Those who don't are pursuing
These high-flying careers.
Me?
Not married. No kids.
Working at a job that currently has
No upward mobility
In a rapidly disintegrating industry."
I looked at Him.
"Sometimes I feel discouraged and lost.
Sometimes I feel like I can't figure out
What it is I ought to be doing.
Sometimes my head chugs along at
A thousand miles an hour
Filled with all these half-dreams
And half-plans
That I never see through to fruition,
And I don't know if they don't blossom
Because they're not supposed to,
Or if I don't have what it takes
To see them through."

"Everyone's path is different,"
He reminded me.
"You can't look at you life
Through any other lens than
The events that it's comprised of.
Not everyone your age
Has buried both parents
In his or her twenties.
Not everyone discovers they're internationally adopted
So late in life,
And then has to unravel
The legal ramifications of that.
Not everyone gambles on the bond
With a best friend
And follows that best friend across the country.
Stop comparing your life
To the lives around you.
What you see is not the entirety
Of those people's stories anyway."

I nodded.

"Blanca... Remember."
And I could hear his words
Trying to pierce
The whirlwind around my heart.
"Seek Me first.
In all things,
Seek Me first.
Your life is in My hands, not yours."

He got up to leave.
As a parting thought, he offered,
"Perhaps the discord you're feeling
Is because you're trying to find your way
Without asking Me
Where it is you ought to go?"

I rolled over,
Sensing the rightness in His Words,
And the wrongness
Embedded in me...

Conviction

Lord,
The Aussie is about to engage
In tactical, business warfare.
I have never heard her so adamant
As she was last week.
Grant her the strength
To stand by those convictions.

Be with her.
Put the right words in her mouth
As she enters this latest fray.
Protect her and guide
Her next steps,
Wherever they may lead her...

The Joy Of Throwing A Ball To A Dog

It happened during Friday's hailstorm.
We don't know how it happened.
We simply know that from one minute to the next,
Gabrielle's back went from being straight
To being hunched in pain,
The arching showing signs of yet another
Probable ruptured disk.

We have her home on steroids and pain medicine.
She is confined to mostly bed rest and bathroom breaks.
As the rupture happened high in her spine,
She has very limited mobility in both back legs.

We are waiting.  And praying.
And waiting.  And praying.

Anyone who has ever cared for animals
The way we do in this household
Knows that when one member is down,
The whole energy of the house is affected.

We are waiting.  And praying.
And waiting.  And praying.

This has happened before, we remind ourselves.
The last time it happened,
Gabrielle spent a month living at Adalheid's,
Being carried up and down to the backyard,
Relegated only to the first floor of Adalheid's house.
She got better then, we remind ourselves,
Battling back the fears and misgivings.

We are waiting.  And praying.
And waiting.  And praying.

O Lord,
Help us not feed into our panic and worry.
Help us properly assess her progress.
Help us make wise decisions regarding her treatment.
Help us help her get better.
But really, Father, what we're asking
Is that you heal Gabrielle.
Creator of all creatures great and small,
Your Breath and Being hold our lives together.
You make us - each of us -
With Your Own Hands.
Use Your Hands now,
And impart healing to the cocker.
We have seen her body heal beautifully,
And quickly, and wonderfully.
Grant that it may be so now, Father.
For her sake
(And ours).

There is a unique joy
In throwing a ball across a backyard
And watching that dog run and pounce on it.
There is a feeling of light and air, wind and freedom,
That accompanies such shenanigans.
There is a rightness in the ball's arc of motion,
And a happiness in the dog's reception of that ball
That can change a rotten day around,
And make a bad mood evaporate.
I have stood in the sunlight with Gabrielle
For over 11 years now,
Throwing balls and sticks and toys,
Watching her run and chase and retrieve and wag.
I have never felt the preciousness of these simple pastimes
As I do now. 
Father,
Please,
Heal our Gabrielle,
So she can run in the Arizona sunlight
And chase balls once again...

Lost boy

Father,
I know too well
The darkness that can enshroud
The human heart.
I know too well
The Adversary's lying tactics
That feed into
One's own raging torrent
Of hopelessness and despair.
Depression has many components;
You and I know that one of them
Is spiritual.

Father,
Cut through the darkness
Surrounding the lost boy.
He has journeyed far afield
From family and friends,
All that was once familiar to him.
He has witnessed the disintegration
Of a decade-long relationship.

Whatever demons he must battle,
Help him battle them.
Whatever decisions he must make
About his future,
His health,
His well-being,
Give him the courage to make them,
And the fortitude to see them through.

Do not let the darkness swallow him.
Heal him,
So that he can pick up his life
And resume the business of daily living.
Maker of men,
Look kindly on your creation,
And hold him in this,
His hour of need...

Faces

Sunday services.
Slides of Guatemala
Flow by in PowerPoint,
Scenes from the church's
Latest mission trip.

One of the missionaries
Talks about her daughter,
Who she adopted from Guatemala
Nineteen years ago,
Before they closed the country down
To international adoptions.

Thinking of my parents,
Traveling in Colombia
Over thirty-six years ago,
I feel my heart clutch.

The missionary goes on to talk about
The orphanage where they adopted her,
And how that orphanage is still standing,
But so few children are adopted.

The last segment of slides
Are of faces,
Mostly the faces of
Guatemalan children.
And my brain swirls around
With images of orphans,
And poverty,
And hunger,
And fear,
And loneliness.

O, My Lord God,
In the mountains of Bogotá,
My birth mother relinquished
Custody of me.
In the mountains of Bogotá,
A woman named Mercy
Handed me over
To my parents.

My life could have been so different.

I am so unworthy.
I am so blessed.

Master Author,
You who brought me forth
To a life rich with love,
What shall I do
With the life You have given me
That will please and glorify You?