Seek Ye First

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:31-33, KJV)

I have chafed
At my life
These many months,
Imagining that I must
Find a different mode of living
In order to find
Purpose and meaning.
I have questioned my job.
I have questioned where I ought to live,
Both now and in the future.
I have wrestled with my singleness,
All that it means -
And doesn't mean -
For my future.
I kept thinking,
"If only I can find a way to
Change this -
Fix this -
Alter this -
I will find
Purpose and meaning,
And I will be
At peace."

Sometimes Holy Writ
Plants itself in our souls,
And slowly blossoms out,
Bearing the Fruit of Life.
Sometimes it happens so slowly,
So imperceptibly,
That we don't even know it's there
Until we pause
And feel a lightening
In the weight of our hearts.

For months,
"Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven"
Has been traversing my mind.
It explodes in my brain
Upon waking
(Good morning Lord. Guide me today.)
While having coffee with Adalheid
(Lord, make her day with her momma go easy.)
While walking the dogs
(Lord, watch over the dogs as they protect the house and wait for me to come home.)
While on the train commuting
(Lord, that person is having a bad morning. I can just tell. Please comfort her; draw her closer to You.)
When my boss the Aussie is talking to me
(Lord, let me learn from the Aussie's words, rather than reacting emotionally to them.)
When I am wrestling with the computer system
(Lord, why can't I get this to work? Show me what I'm missing.)
When I am interacting with my coworkers
(Lord, give me patience, so that I don't snap at someone... Because I really want to give it to someone right now!)
While I am doing dishes
(Lord, thank you for food for me and the pets.)
While I am food shopping
(Lord, provide for those who can't afford the luxury of supermarket shopping.)
Before I go to sleep
(Lord, thank you for getting me through today.)
And countless other times
Throughout the day.

In trying to seek
The Kingdom of Heaven -
In trying to put it first
Before all other things -
I more actively feel
The workings of God
In my life.
I better glean meaning
From the day-to-day interconnectedness
That binds my life to others'.
I no longer need to seek elsewhere

To find purpose and meaning.  

My life is not broken, 

That it needs changes and fixes and alterations.
My way consists of finding purpose and meaning
Within Him,
Within my life
As it is now.
In seeking first the Kingdom of Heaven,
Everything else will naturally
Fall into place.
In seeking first the Kingdom of Heaven,
Peace within germinates;
I have tasted
Holy Rest.

Lord,
Continue to abide in my
Day-to-day.
Teach me how to
Abide in You.
Bring the Kingdom
One more step
Closer to earth
Through your work
In me...

Hurricane Preparedness

Lord,

My Father,

Forgive me my sins.

Search me thoroughly to know

That I am sorry

For my wrongdoing.

Cleanse me,

Heal me,

And hear me, my God,

As I pray for the people

In the path of a hurricane.

Throughout the next three days,

As I prep my apartment

For the possible influx

Of family, friends, and pets,

Let my prayer,

And the prayers of the

Body of Christ

Rise before you.

We pray for deliverance

From Irene.

We pray that You would

Turn the path of the hurricane

Out to sea,

Away from land.

We pray that if that is not possible,

That the hurricane would strike us

With the least force possible.

We pray that if that is not possible,

That You would preserve our lives,

And the lives of our loved ones.

If that is not possible, Lord,

We pray in the same manner

As Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego - *

We leave our lives,

And our deaths,

In Your hands,

And continue trustingly

In our walk with You.

Lord,

I plead for Your Mercy

For the inhabitants of

The eastern US seaboard.

I pray for this not because we deserve it,

But for the sake of Your Holy name -

For Your Glory and Honor and Praise -

Because Your Throne is the seat

From which Grace and Pity flow -

Because we are little more than dust,

And Your Power sustains us

Moment by moment,

Second by second.

Have mercy on us, Lord.

We cry out to You,

Have mercy on us.

* Daniel 3, particularly verses 16-18, as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answer the charges of King Nebuchadnezzar.

Quake

I have never felt 
The shaking of an aftershock
Until today. 
At first,
I thought it was me
Until I realized
The rest of the team felt it too. 
My sister called, 
Sounding the part 
Of the younger sibling
For a change. 
I picked up my Bible
And headed for the bathroom,
But Lord, 
I don't remember if 
I prayed to You or not. 

Father,
The news reports
No deaths or injuries,
And for this we thank You. 
On behalf of
My panicky sister and cousin,
My sweetly oblivious aunt,
Adalheid, the king, the momma,
The Aussie, the team,
The company, the pets,
And everyone else unaffected,
I offer praise and thanksgiving. 
You did not allow
Disaster to consume us. 
Tonight, at least,
We will not know what it feels like
To wake up in
Northeastern Japan,
Or Haiti,
Or Joplin,
Or all the other places laid waste. 

Preserve us, O Lord,
Protect us from evil.
Grant us Your Grace
That we may sing all the day
Of Your Mercies. 

And when the day of affliction comes,
Strengthen us 
With the might of Your Arm,
And the steadfastness
Of Your Love!

A 5.8 earthquake shook Virginia, and projected aftershocks all along the Eastern seaboard. You can read more about it here:

http://m.cnn.com/primary/_lbIlvW-i7MAkdHw8J

Knowing (Or More Lessons Learned From The Cat Who Went Home To God...)

Major disasters
Have always sprung quickly
Upon my family. 

Case study 1:
The fire.
Daddy had arrived home
From the VA hospital. 
Mommie was cooking dinner. 
My sister and I
Were already in pajamas.
Daddy asked,
"Is there something burning?"

The fire devastated
Our three-family house
In about fifteen minutes.

I make it my business
To sleep in clothes with 
Lots of pockets,
So that items like keys, wallet, and cell phone
Can be snatched
And run with
At a moment's notice. 

Case study 2:
Daddy. 
He had come up from a late dialysis
And I think I woke up 
From my usual napping spot on the couch
Long enough to say goodnight to him. 

The next day,
My mother beckoned me upstairs
With a "Something's wrong."
My legs turned to jelly 
As I entered the bedroom
And unmistakably hailed Death
On his face. 
He was dressed in his jogging suit.
He had a piece of gum in his hand. 
He must have been on his way 
Downstairs for breakfast. 
He was still warm
When I put my ear to his chest,
Listening for a heartbeat,
Willing one to be there. 

I'd been upstairs the hour before. 
I'd heard him cough in his sleep. 

Case study 3:
Mommie.
She'd been up much of the night,
Complaining about stomach pains.
Her GI tract had long been her enemy,
So neither my sister nor myself
Recognized the signs of 
Female heart attack. 

I saw her life leave her
When her eyes glazed over 
In the bathroom.
The trip to the hospital
Was one prolonged nightmare,
As the EMT marked the passing minutes
With her failing vitals.  
When we got to the hospital, 
I thought,
"A heart attack? A stroke?
What happened?
It was severe.
But God, I'll take care of her
Until she gets better." 

God's answer was gentle, but firm.
"No, my child, you won't."

From the moment the crisis began
Until the moment we were calling car service
To take us back home
Was about an hour. 

I passed through my teens and twenties 
Wondering
What I would have done differently 
If I had only known. 
I thought that,
If I knew disaster 
Was just over the horizon, 
I could prepare for it,
Maybe even circumvent it. 

That's not true. 

Knowing that the cat was dying,
First from renal failure
And then from cancer,
Did nothing to stop it.
Knowing didn't make me
Better able to
Handle my emotions. 
Knowing didn't prepare me
For the memories and thoughts
That currently invade my days. 
Knowing is not a panacea 
For the grief
(Or guilt)
That inevitably follow
Any loss. 

Lord,
I didn't know. 
I had no practical experience
Because everything always happened
So suddenly. 
I have argued with You for years about
"If I had only known."
I thought I could prepare. 
I thought I could prevent. 
I now understand
That's not necessarily the case. 

Teach me to turn to You
In all things,
Good and bad,
Foresight or no foresight. 
Remind me that
Strength and security and happiness
Reside solely in being
A child of the Living God!

Broken Sleep

The cat's need 
Has awakened me from sleep
For the past two months. 
I would feel her
Moving around on the bed
And I'd wake up
To give her water or food
As she would ask. 

The cat is gone,
But she continues
To awaken me. 

It was like this
When Mommie or Daddy was sick.
Anticipation - 
Adrenaline - 
I would awaken 
And stalk the halls,
Listening for breath
And motion
Before returning to bed. 

Daddy passed. 
Mommie passed.
I remained,
A wraith,
Still stalking halls. 

I constantly sneak up on Adalheid
Unannounced,
Not meaning to startle, 
But doing it nonetheless. 
She does not know
The school of training 
In stealth and silence
Is from tending to the sick,
In waiting for the inevitable. 

Lord,
Give me sleep tonight. 
Unbroken, deep, restorative.
Still me, Lord...
Still me at last...

And Then There Were Four...

Three dogs and two cats.
It is the answer I have been giving 
For almost two years now
When asked how many pets I have.
I'm sure I will continue to say that
For some time to come. 

People like me
Should probably not have
So many pets, 
But I did not purposely seek them. 
Circumstance brought them to me,
And I could not turn them away. 

Lord,
Thank You for giving me
Fourteen plus years with Baby. 
Forgive me any wrongs 
I committed against her. 

I know that when You made the animals,
You stepped back to take stock
Of Your creation
And declared it good. 
Your creation continues to be good,
Providing joy to all who
Celebrate its beauty and wonders. 

I don't know what happens
To the soul life of an animal.
Father,
In the life to come,
May they be restored to us,
Or else
Let the memory of them
Be untouched by sorrow...

Dependence (or More Lessons Learned From A Dying Cat)

Baby,
You were little more than fur, ears, and tail
When you were brought to me.
"Can't you keep her until we find her a home?"
Precious pleaded for your life,
Telling me that the vet would put you down
If you couldn't find a home.
I knew nothing about cats.
I'd had dogs my whole life.
But your blue-gray kitten eyes,
Unable to even focus yet,
Called out to me.
"Okay," I agreed, adding the caveat,
"But just until we find her a home!"

We found you a home.
My home.

You were so tiny,
That first night you slept in one of my slippers.
When I awoke in the morning,
I thought I'd lost you,
Until I tripped over the slipper,
And out you tumbled.
I remember syringe feeding you,
And you'd eat and eat
Until you were little more than
Stomach, fur, ears, and tail.
But you survived those times,
And waxed strong.
You grew into your ears and tail.
Your eyes lost their blue-gray color,
To be replaced with green-gold.
You cultivated an independent spirit,
And found no shortage of trouble
To get into.
You were always exploring,
Often finding more than either of us
Bargained for.
I have tried to keep you safe and happy
These fourteen years,
But now you go ahead of me
Into the arms of
He who created you.

These past months have been hard.
It started with the abscess,
And has gone downhill since.
Next, the kidneys.
After the kidneys, the teeth,
And after the teeth, the tumor -
The cancer -
That erodes your last days with me.
You have lost the ability
To eat and drink on your own,
And although you let me
Feed and water you with syringes
(Like when you were a kitten),
Even that has now become painful to you.

I loved you as a kitten
In part because you were dependent on me.
Your need was so great,
It cried out to be met,
And I tried to answer.

I loved you as an adult,
But there were times when your aloofness,
Your independence,
Would make me feel that
You really didn't need me,
That you would have made it through this world
Just fine without me.

Now, as you wane,
And the neediness of you
Has outstripped your independence,
That familiar tenderness returns.
As you turn towards me,
So I turn towards you.
In this spirit of dependence,
I can only react
By comforting you,
Taking care of you,
Loving you
Until you expire.

Father,
Is this how we are to approach You,
Full of our need
And brokenness?

If we, full of sin, can respond
In this manner
To those people and creatures
Who approach us with their need,
How can we think that You,
Who are Holy and Compassionate,
Can possibly do less?
Having felt this kind of pity
On a creature dependent on me,
I know that You feel pity on us,
And will comfort all who call on You.

Lord.
Heal my brokenness.
Fill my need.
Only You can.
I am utterly
Dependent on You...

Paean

Psalm 92:4 For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

On any given day,
I wear a sheen of
Dried cat food and drool,
Dog hair,
And bird droppings.
My second biggest monthly expense
Is pet food,
Followed by other pet bills.
The busyness of my days is filled with
Walking dogs,
Giving sub-qs to my dying cat,
And parading around the neighborhood
With a gold-capped conure
On my shoulder.

O Lord,
My Lord God,
Creator of Heaven and Earth,
How do I explain the joy
Of sleeping on a couch
With three dogs,
Or watching the dogs run
For Adalheid's backyard?
How do I explain the wonder
When I see the parrots' pupils
Dilate like a camera lens, or
When my eyes hurt from
Their iridescent feathers?
I watch Pete the insatiable goldfish eat,
And laugh as he clinks the stones
At the bottom of his tank,
Ever searching for food.
My beige cat hungers for affection;
After thirty seconds
He weirds out,
Scratches me,
And runs away.
He has always been peevish;
I love him nonetheless.
The tumor is growing
Beneath the gray cat's tongue.
I am grateful to spend
Another day with her
Before she journeys
Home to You.

I am surrounded by Your creatures,
The manifold works of Your Hands.
I call, and they come.
I whistle, and they know me.
They bark or meow or shriek
A greeting, a "welcome home,
We missed you today!"

O Lord,
I can marvel at Your creatures,
And the joys of creation,
And know that You are Real,
And Good, and Holy.
I can feel my interconnectedness
Shoot outward,
Shoot upward,
Encompassing grass and trees and sky.
I can fall into the night sky,
Looking upon the stars,
And the story that they tell.*
I humbly bow down before
Your majesty and forethought.

I am as nothing;
My days on this earth are numbered,
But I am Yours,
And I long in my soul
To be Home with You.
Until I get there,
Thank You for this creation,

Shadow though it may be

Of the Glory to be revealed...

* The Witness of the Stars by E. W. Bullinger

Be Near Me...

I use the same phrase alot

When I pray:

"Father, be near me today."

Countless Scriptures testify

That You are ever with me,*

So why am I praying for

That which You've already provided?

The Lord is not a liar.

His promises are irrevocable.**

So what, exactly, do I mean?

It's more like this:

"Lord,

I know that You are with me.

I know that I cannot be separated

From the love of Christ.***

When I ask You to be near me,

What I mean is,

Can't you be near me

The way You were with Israel

When you led them out of Egypt?

Can't you lead me as a cloud by day,

And a pillar of fire by night?

Can't you shine one, lonely

Ray of Shechinah Glory on me

So that I could be

Fully consumed by Your Spirit?

Can't you make Your Presence so tangible,
So real,
That I could reach out
And touch You?...

That I could feel You

Holding me?...

I know that You can...

I wish that You would!"

I feel a gentle, Cosmic laugh.

How like a child I sound!

The answer creeps upon me

As I write:

"Even now,

I am preparing you

To be a vessel

Consecrated to Me.

I, the Potter,

Dip you in water,

Mold you with My Hands,

Remake and reshape you

As I deem fitting.

For now,

Be content to see Me

In the beauty of this world,

Nature and creatures,

And humankind.

Speak with Me.

Confide in Me.

Pray to Me.

Trust Me.

Day by day,

Learn from Me,

And I will slowly reveal

Myself to you.

It cannot happen at once.

You must become prepared for it.

I AM is My Holy Name!****

That's the present tense.

That's NOW.

I sustain you,

Give you breath and life

This very moment.

I have called you.

Have faith,

And receive the blessings

That flow thereof."

I know it's true.

Although I often ache

For a palpable encounter with You,

Such an encounter would

Kill me.

Ah Lord,

I am like the father who cried aloud,

"I believe; help my unbelief!"*****

"Father? Abba? You near?"

Again, the Cosmic laugh.

"I AM."

"Okay."

Just checking...

*Joshua 1:5b

**Genesis 28:15, Titus 1:1-3

*** Romans 8:34-36

****God declares Himself to be I AM in Exodus 3:14.

*****Mark 9:14-29 for the story in context