Crucible

It has been
A hellfire and brimstone kind of day.

Reading, reading, reading
Researching.
Seeking.
Wrestling with You,
Mostly to my own chagrin.

Am I putting my salvation on the line?
Am I putting someone else's also?

Are You allowing me to be tested?
And what if I fail miserably?

Lord,
Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Do not look at me and see me.
Rather, see Your Son
Who lived the life I could not live
And died the death I justly deserve...

Birdman

Lord,
I just got off the phone with the birdman,
The severely lonely, lost soul
You dropped into my lap a few years back.

His tumors are back, and growing.
He's losing weight.
His family is driving him nuts.
He's fighting cancer,
And potential homelessness
By himself in the big city.

I have often wondered about how
He walked through life without being married
Or having children,
But then I look at myself,
And realize I don't have to look much further
Than within myself
To find the answer.

O Lord,
Grant the birdman a measure of grace and peace
As he wrestles with this tough time.
Touch him, heal him, help him.
You are the god of the outcasts, after all...
Please take care of him,
And protect him from his rebellious body,
His ill-intentioned family,
And the moodiness, crankiness, and kvetching
That act as a barrier between him and others.

I fear a day will come
When I call his home phone
And no one picks up anymore,
And I will have no way of knowing
What has become of him...

Gabrielle's Surgery - Postlude

Father,
I thank You for Your undeserving grace,
And the grace You show
The people and creatures in my care.

Gabrielle is home,
Resting and healing.
She is not acting like a dog
Who just had
Two lumpectomies and a mastectomy.
She wants to play, and walk,
And stalk toys all day long.

:-D

It is a relief to watch her run
And chase toys
And run through sprinklers on the golf course.
Grant her a long, happy retirement
In the warmth and sunshine of Arizona.

Thank you, my Lord,
For your compassion and tenderness...

Mercy's Pen

"What kind of love is writing my story 'til the end, with mercy's pen?" -Alive (Mary Magdalene) / Natalie Grant-

He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: "Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted." (Luke 18:9-14)

But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. (Genesis 50:19, 20)

Father,
I know how that tax collector felt.
I often feel the same.

I am in unknown territory.
You are here, I know.
Do not leave me.
Do not withdraw Your Presence from me.
Have mercy on me,
And accompany me please,
I beg you.

Whatever right I do,
Or even whatever wrong I do,
Use it for good,
As You did with Joseph.
Author Divine,
Maker of my life,
Write Your Mercy
Across the pages of my story,
And the stories of those lives
Entwined with mine...

Table Fellowship

Last night:
Following the morning's
Unanticipated explosion,
I am in the kitchen
Preparing dinner
Setting the table
And the thought occurs to me,
"I may make the food he'll be eating,
But I'm not going to sit
And share a meal with his damn ass!"
I angrily slam items
Around the kitchen.

Very quietly,
The Holy Spirit
Speaks to my mind:
"Really?
You really won't share a meal with him?
The last meal on earth I shared
Was with the man who betrayed me,
And the Apostles who I knew
Would desert me in the hours ahead.

"Will you really
Not break bread with him?"

I stand still, floored,
And my righteous indignation
Flees me.

Anointed One...
There are moments
When Your Humanity
Is forgotten to me.
Thanks for the
(Not-so-gentle) reminder...

The Root of All Evil...

God,
I am so angry right now.
So SO SO angry.
I feel so upset
And embarrassed
And violated
That I am trembling
In my flesh
With the weight
Of unexpressed emotions.

I want to retaliate.
I want to strike back.
I want to tell that man that
"This is the reason why
Messed up things always happen to you."
And
"How dare you go ballistic
And freak out on someone,
And embarrass the hell out of me
And make me feel three inches tall."
And
"You know how you're going to wind up?
Bitter and alone,
Because no one will put up
With your bullshit for forever."

Even worse than all that,
There is a part of me
That wants to call down on You
To smite him
And crush him
And turn everything that he ever touches
Into dust.

If he had such a huge problem with me
He should have addressed me about it
In a civilized manner,
Not gone crazy at someone else!!!

God,
You are big enough
To absorb everyone's anger
And unspoken desire for revenge,
So start with mine first,
Because I know if I address him
In the next four hours,
I'm going to explode or cry,
And I don't want to do either. 
It was only by Your Grace
That he poked his head into my room
While I was on the phone with work
And he decided to leave me alone,
So I'm going to ask You to keep providing
Those escapes for me
Until I'm more normal. 
I also don't want You to do anything to him.
That's just my anger and hurt talking.
That's not Your Son,
Who turned around and forgave the world
For crucifying Him...

Anointed One,
I don't know how to love like that.
I don't know how to forgive like that.
Show me.  Teach me.  Remind me. 

Tim Keller.
HA HA is that how You're going to remind me,
Make me remember what I read
From The Reason for God?

"...God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver.... From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can "just forgive" the perpetrator.... But when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the debt. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then, is costly.”

Anointed One,
I'm really struggling with this one. 
Help me, please,
To strike the balance
Between letting go of my anger,
And not being a human doormat...

Gabrielle's Surgery

Father,
Gabrielle is going in today
To remove several lumps
She has on her teats.
Thank You for returning
The biopsy results negative.
But the largest tumor has been growing,
And today it's being removed.

Father,
Grant steady hands,
Perceiving eyes,
And the easy knowledge
That comes from practice
To her vet today
As he works on her.
Grant an easy time
Coming in and out of anesthesia.
Grant a quick, eventless recovery
As You did with her biopsy.

We were standing on the hill
Behind the Upstate house,
Mommie and I,
When she said,
"If anything happens to me,
I want you to take care of Gabrielle."
My God,
Grant that I (and Adalheid, of course)
May continue to do so
For many, many more years... 

At the Alzheimer's Support Group...

Lord,
Two Saturdays ago, Adalheid and I
Went to the Alzheimer's Support Group monthly meeting
At Mountain View.
Thank You
For leading us there...
For giving us a forum
To share our emotions,
To hear others' stories,
To learn more about the disease,
And the resources available to us.

One of the facilitators
Gave us a care package,
And in the care package
Was a list of "do"s and "don't"s
For interacting with people
Who suffer from Alzheimer's.
A bullet point read:
"Step into their reality."

I dwelled on that long and hard
As I recapped the week,
And one of the evenings spent
Watching the wandering momma
While Adalheid and the king
Were out and about...

I was sitting in the living room.
The wanderer, who I thought was sleeping,
Came upstairs, sat down,
And talked with me for what was only an hour,
But felt much longer.
I listened to her tentatively walk through
The details of her life
In one long, meandering blur...
Names and places and jobs and events
Blending together into
A slipstream whole.
Details were lost.
Facts were garbled.
I nodded,
Mentally ticking off
The items she got right
And the ones she got wrong.

Who are we,
Except the compilation and interpretation
Of events that have impacted us?
Who, then, do we become,
As our pasts change?...
As our pasts become lost?...
As our pasts altogether vanish?...

Father,
Give me patience.
Give me the patience
To not exclaim in annoyance when I am awoken...
To not feel self-conscious when in the shower
And the momma wanders into the bathroom...
To sit and listen and try to understand
The momma's intent,
As opposed to the jumbled words
(A reflection of her jumbled thoughts)
That she often speaks.
Give me the patience
To observe and learn and anticipate and help
For the wandering momma's present needs...
And anyone else's possible future ones.
Give me the type of love
That made you stick by the Israelites
As they rebelled against you in the wilderness...
That made you continue to send prophets to them
Even though they were often killed...
That made you send your Son
As a sacrificial atonement
For the sins of a broken world.

Breathe your Goodness
Into me,
So that I may project it
Ever outwards
Into the lives entwined with mine... 

Aria for Alto Saxophone and Piano

We are at a concert,
the archer and I,
And the fifth number in
Is a piece unknown to me,
"Aria for Alto Saxophone and Piano,"
by Eugene Bozza.

The opening piano notes
Herald a wistful, melancholy tune,
And I brace myself
For the sax line,
But I am unprepared for it
Regardless.

The alto sax melody
Pierces me as few things can,
Expressing in notes
What I cannot utter aloud.
Its haunting, lilting voice
Washes over me,
Engulfing the dam
I hide my emotions behind.

Father...
What do I even start praying for?
Healing?  Release?  Change? 
A putting to death of the old person
In order to put on the new?

Do not use music
To cut me to the quick!
Do not
Allow me
To be so exposed!
Hide me, shelter me,
I pray,
Until I am fit to stand,
And not be so moved...

Tongue-tied

Lord...
In the silences of my heart,
In the recesses
Only You can access,
There is an old wound
Newly torn afresh.

Can You please
Take it away,
Take it all away,
So that I am forever stripped
Of that which plagues me?

Or have I not been brought
To the point of willingness
To relinquish this to You?
Is this a surface longing
While stubbornness and rebellion
Foment beneath?

How much longer?
How much more?
How many more times
Until I am wrung dry,
And this temptation leaves me?

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Really, God?
Really?
Because I'm looking
For ways out
In my head
And not seeing
The exit signs!

O Lord...
Tie my lips shut,
Bind my hands,
Turn my head away -
Protect me from
My well-intentioned friends,
The Adversary,
But mostly
From myself...

Valley Prayer for C

Father,
I just got off the phone
With my sister in Christ
Living in North Carolina.
The Manhattanite is in shock
Over the sudden passing
Of her mother.

I know the typhoon of emotion
Coming her way.
I see it on the horizon
As clear as day.

Lord,
I ask that You guard her heart
During the mourning period ahead.
Comfort and sustain her.
Give her the peace
Only You can.

May she call on me
Whenever she needs to.
May You put
The right words in my mouth -
Words that heal and sustain,
Soothe and edify -
At those times.

Father,
Be near to her.
Make Yourself
A tangible presence,
A Divine Kiss
From the abundance
Of Your Eternal Goodness!...

Polaris

North Star,
Guide me to safety.

I have wandered far afield
These past few weeks.

I am acutely aware
Of enemy waves
Crashing against my ship.

Lead my restless, wandering heart
Home...
Home to where
You are...