The Undoing

In the first Garden,
Mankind fell.
Rather than
Heeding God's warning,
Adam and Eve chose
Themselves -
Their desires -
Their will -
Over God's.
In the full Light
Of God's Glory
They made this decision.
The consequences
Were disastrous.
Sin and
Death and
Decay
Were introduced
Into the world.
The ground was cursed
To bear thorns
Beneath Adam's touch.
The fugitives were forced
From Eden, barred by the
Cherubim and the Flaming Sword.
Adam and Eve lost communion
With El-Shaddai.
We have been reeling
From the aftershocks
Ever since.

But there is another Garden,
Holy ground where
The mystery of redemption
Began to undo
The damage we had done.
In Gethsemane,
Christ chose His Father's Work
At the expense of
His Own Life.
He wrestled with his desires,
And ultimately subjugated them
To the Will of the Father.
He saw the Big Picture:
The Father's Will...
The Father's Glory.
He knew that the only way
We had a chance
Of standing before God
Was though His Sacrifice.

The heritage of sin-death
Started unraveling that night
In the Garden of Gethsemane.
In the dark night of His Soul,
Facing the astonishing separation
From the Father,
Jesus Christ chose His Father
Over himself.
The decision to eat the apple
Was undone with the utterance
"Not my will, but thine, be done."
The ground that God had cursed
To bring forth thorns
Was redeemed by
The Crown of Thorns
On the Anointed's Head.
The Cross
On which He hung,
Accursed and cut off,
Was the means of becoming
The new Tree of Life.
He passed beneath the Flaming Sword.
The Veil of the Temple
Was torn in two,
A symbol of the Kingdom
Miraculously within arm's reach
For God's People.

We now live
Within that eternal Hope.
Eden's damage
Has been undone.
The world has already begun
The process of being reconciled
To The Almighty.

Everything else that happens moving forward?...

Eden and Gethsemane
Co-exist side-by-side.
Our journeys have become a matter
Of whichever Garden
We choose to stroll in...

Happy Ending...

Lord...
On Saturday,
I made a new friend
At the church Thrift Sale.
She was a delight
To work with.
Smart, witty, funny,
Pleasant - an overall pleasure.
She also happens to be
In her seventies.
Why, oh why, Lord,
Have I always been drawn to
And connected so well with
People so much older
Than I?

You and I know
It has been a constant
Since I was a child.
Although I have friends
Closer to myself in age,
All the friendships
That cut deep
Have been with people
Older than me.
We're not talking about
By a few years;
Usually,
It's by a few decades.

Does it all go back to
Mommie and Daddy
Who turned our home into
A variant Montessori school
With hands-on-everything learning
That accelerated my brain
From early on?
Can it be traced to
The family of my youth;
Five adults, and no other kids
In the house
Until I was six?
Does it stem from grammar school,
And the distrust I developed
For kids my own age
Who enjoyed torturing me?
Does it come from
Experiencing too much
Of life's heartaches
At too young an age?
Is it just me,
An old soul
Chronologically trapped
In the wrong era?

Lord,
You know why
I wrestle with this so.
You know how wearied I am
From burying people,
And how much I dread
The ones to come.
You know I fear
Someday finding myself
Alone.

It's not such a hard stretch
To imagine.
Last man standing,
Last candle blowing out
In the wind of
An emptied life.

Lord...

Lord?...

There is a pause
As I feel Holy Writ
Being breathed into me.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." *

Yes, I know, but -

"Why is there always a 'but'?"
(It is asked in the Aussie's voice,
And I have to laugh.)
"I know you.
I made you.
I take care of you.
Why do you worry
About what you cannot control?"

I can't help myself -

"You can.
You do not,
Because you still do not
Trust Me."

I don't answer.

"Your purpose and mission
Unfold daily.
Follow me,
ME,
Not the fears and misgivings
In your mind.
Your mind
Is still wrapped up in this world.
Your heart,
That sings songs to you
About Me -
Listen to what that is saying."

I still don't say anything.

He continues:
"You love the story.
The story of a human life.
The story of an historic building.
The story of an old nation.
The story of The Ancient of Days.
That's why you are drawn
To people and places and things
Older than you.
There are stories there,
Treasures waiting to be found
And released.
I made you thus.
Yes, it will mean suffering and loss,
But even that
Will be redeemed
In the End."

Suffering and loss.
Yeah, that.

"Look beyond that."

It's hard, God!
I'm a finite being, here!

"No..."
He doesn't say anything else.
Instead, He takes my hand,
And propels me through time,
And I see
The Beginning
And the Ending
And the Unending
That is the Undoing
Of all the tragedy, pain, and sorrow.
I am part of
This epic story,
All the way from my beginning
To my ending
That isn't really an ending,
But a different arc
Of a trajectory
That leads
To Him.
I am not alone.
I have never been,
Nor will I ever be.
It's okay
If I operate out of sync
And out of time
From everyone else.
It's okay
If people go home to Him
Ahead of me,
Because eventually,
We'll be together again.
It's okay,
The suffering
And the loss,
Because even that
Will ultimately be
Undone.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

So what if I'm
The last candle blowing out
In the wind of
An emptied life?
That's only this life,
This perishable, dying life,
And it cannot compare
To the one that someday comes...

* Philippians 4:6

Cohesion

There are teams
That function together
As well-oiled machines,
Who share a kind of group-mind
That allows them to carry on
As a unit.

Lord,
That is not my classified team.

They think and behave
Like the city-states
Of Italy did
Before unification.
Warring factions -
Competing jealousies -
Divisive loyalties -
They withdraw into themselves
When the going gets tough.
They do not listen enough
To advice or instruction.
They are
Quick to argue,
Quick to blame,
Quick to pass the buck.
They don't understand
Management's accountability
For their actions.
They don't understand
How overwhelming it can be
For one sales manager
And one director
And one glorified Gal Friday
To support them
Without becoming drained
In the process.

Lord,
I love the people on my team,
But I sometimes hate
The way that they work.
I hate the beleaguered look
I often see
In the Aussie's eyes.
I am bringing this to You.
I am at a loss.

I exist in a strange position
In that netherworld where
I am not a rep,
But not management either.
I'm the go-to person
For everyone,
Tech support
And Mother Confessor
Rolled into one.
I see the disheartenment of the team.
I see the disheartenment of management.
I myself wrestle between
Frustration and apathy.
If there's anything
I can practically do
To help everyone,
Reveal that to me.
If not,
Then come among us,
I pray.
Come,
And change our hearts
So that we see and acknowledge
One another...
So that we learn
Patience, and endurance, and obedience, and
Brotherly love and affection
For each other.
Make us operate well together, Lord,
A cohesive unit
With members willing and able
To strive for the sake of the team,
And not just for the sake of ourselves...

Birth Mother

Berenice Velez,
I do not know,
And cannot imagine
What it is like
To give a child up
For adoption.

You were 26 years old
At the time.
You gave birth to me
At Our Lady of Bethlehem Hospital
In Bogota, Colombia.
Other than these facts,
I know nothing about you.

Allow me to tell you
A few things about myself.
I am 34 now.
My family is small:
My sister, my cousin and I
Are the only three in our generation.
My aunt is the only one left
From my parents' generation.
I live in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.
I love animals,
And have three dogs and a cat.
I live down the block
From my best friend,
Who has three parrots, a dog,
An impossible husband,
And a mother with Alzheimer's.
I work for a chain of
Community newspapers.
I love music, books, and writing.
Most importantly,
I am a Child of the Most High God,
Adopted into his family
Through the gift of Christ's salvation.

I discovered I was adopted
After Mommie and Daddy passed away.
I was shocked (naturally)
And a little angry
That they had never told me.
I want you to know, however,
That I was not angry at you.
I wondered, and still do,
Why you chose as you did,
But I wonder out of curiosity,
And not judgment.
I did not feel that I had been abandoned,
As adopted children sometimes do.
On the contrary, I felt blessed
To become part of the family I did.

I probably will never
Seek you out,
For fear of upsetting
Your life as it now is.
I wonder what kind of life you lead.
I wonder if you are well,
And safe,
And happy.
I wonder if you are surrounded
By good family and friends.
I wonder if you had anymore children.
I wonder if you ever wonder
About me.

Berenice Velez,
Mi vida es un regalo,
Y tú eres la dador de este regalo.
Tú tienes mi gracias eterno.
Que sean bendecidos.

1826 Days

Ma...
When I post this writing,
It will be 1826 days
Since I last saw you alive.
You passed suddenly on October 18, 2006.

1826 days
Devoid of
Your brilliance
Your laughter
Your wit
Your hugs...

It may be that
I miss your hugs most.
I felt your love for me
In that touch.
There were no questions,
No doubts,
When your arms wrapped around me.

Sometimes,
The intensity
Of how much I miss you
Flabergasts me
And literally takes my breath away.
I used to wonder
How I would live without you.
We even discussed it
On several occasions;
You expressed similar fears.

Ma,
God has been working
A very strange thing inside me.
I am becoming
Softer
Yet stronger
With the passing years.
I cry easier
Than I ever have before.
I am more perceptive
Of the Divine Presence
At work in my mind.
I am more open to people,
And thus more vulnerable to them.
But crying doesn't leave me
Broken inside anymore.
God's Presence in my life
Is a blessing I joyously welcome,
Rather than a guilt trip
That crushes my soul beneath its weight.
When I interact with others,
It no longer matters
If they take advantage of me or use me,
Because the source of my strength
Is no longer my own reserves.
Rather,
He who created the Universe
Sustains and enlivens me,
And He is Boundless.

There are so many people
In my life now
Who I wish I could share with you.
God has brought bright lights
Into my life,
People who illuminate my path
Whether I am on the mountain,
Or deep in the valley.
There are so many things
I wish I could tell you.
I still sometimes catch myself
In the habit of thinking,
"Oh, I can't wait to go home
And tell Mommie - "
And then I remember.
The missing you
Becomes deeper
And more poignant
With each passing year.
Yet, somehow,
I know
That I must make it through
To the other side of grief.

Ma,
I can't wait
To see you again.
Be waiting for me
When I leave this life
And come Home.

Lord...
Father...
Eli!
You alone know
The secret longings of my heart.
You alone know
How many more days
I have on this earth.
Grant that,
On the day of Your Glory,
I may be
Reunited with my family
That has gone Home to You
Ahead of me.
Abba,
Please,
Have Mercy and let it be so.
Let all the days
That I have to live without them
In this existence
Be eclipsed
By the light of Eternity's endless days
In the next...

Valley Prayer for S

Lord,
After a two week absence,
The intern came back to our offices yesterday.
She had just returned from Haiti,
From the funeral of her older brother
Who I imagine was younger than me.

I don't know how we started talking.
I noted the shock and consternation as she spoke.
"Everything would be okay
If he just came back."

She hasn't slept in over two weeks.
She can't bring herself to listen to music.
She calls his phone.
She walks past his bedroom expecting him to emerge.
She is in that haze of disbelief
I remember all too well.

Her mother is in a bad way.
She won't get out of bed.
She won't eat.

Lord,
We spoke for a long time.
I tried to comfort her
As gently as I could.
I kept asking You
To steer my words.
There were moments
When I felt that prickle
That signaled Your Spirit
At work in me.

It's impossible to tell someone
They will make it to the other side of grief.
They simply learn by doing.
It's a hard lesson to learn.

Father,
Let it be
That my words helped her,
And encouraged her to turn to You.
Let it be
That she sleeps this weekend...
That Your Hand tenderly guides her mom
Out of the pit of despair...
That this family,
Shattered by the tragic death of their only son,
Seeks You in their grief,
And finds Hope in Your Son.
Amen.

Touched

Sometimes I feel God
So clearly
Touching me,
It frightens me.

I think,
"What could You
Possibly want to do
With me?
I am full of
Guilt and shame
For things done
And things not done.
I am conscious of the
Rebellion against You
That hides in my heart.
How is it that You
Could want to be
With me?
How is it that You
Could want to use me
For Your Holy Purposes?

I am unfit!
I am unclean!
I am -"

Before I can think further,
I feel His Hand on my cheek,
And the scar tissue
Where the nails were driven
Presses against me.

"Be still," He tells me.

I quiet
Beneath that touch.
He already knows
Everything I've done
And haven't done...
Everything that's wrong with me,
And broken inside.

His Touch communicates
A promise of wholeness
More completely
Than words ever could.

Dog Walking

My three dogs
Never do what I want them to do
When I take them for a walk.
When I steer them to go left,
They want to go right.
When I want them to hurry up
And cross the street
Because we have the light,
They decide to pause
Or sometimes poop
In the crosswalk.
They manage to step on
Every piece of broken glass.
They hunt for and find
Chicken and pork chop bones,
Tea bags, candy wrappers and bubble gum
Which I then must extricate
From between clenched jaws.

One morning, I lose it.
"What's wrong with you guys?"
I am demanding from my dogs
In the middle of the street
At 6:40 AM.
"Why can't you ever just do
What I want or tell you to do?
Why are you always doing
Bad things?
I'm telling you what to do
To protect you,
Not to ruin your good time!"

The words leave me
And even as I am processing
What I just said,
I can hear that Gentle, Cosmic Laugh
That is not my own
Rise up within me.

The analogies
Are not lost on me.

"Ha ha, okay, God.
Very funny.
You got me."

The dogs stare at me
With their big, liquid eyes,
Wondering why I am
Freaking out and talking to myself aloud.

I love my dogs to bits,
But sometimes I want to cry,
They frustrate me so!

Father,
Is this a glimpse
Into how crazy we must drive You?

Point taken...

A King's Heart

When Ramses was king,
You hardened his heart
Against Your People.
You hardened his heart
So that he would not release them
From slavery in Egypt...
So that Your Wonders and Miracles
Would be all the more glorified
Against the backdrop
Of his oppression
And ruination
At Your Hands. *

Father,
Let it not be so
With the king
Whose kitchen I'm often found in.
Let it be
That You soften his heart,
And give him even the
Smallest portion of the
Holy Compassion
Exhibited by
The True King.

The True King -
Whose Love saves the world -
Hung on a tree,
Cursed and afflicted,
For us.
He drank the cup of Divine Wrath
So that we could approach You.
He suffered
So that we would not have to suffer
An eternity's separation
From You.

You have the Power
To pursue others
And call them to You.
Father, I beg You,
Pursue the king
Through the Power of
Your Son.
Fill him with Holy Patience -
Love for the long haul -
Compassion and caring
For the trials ahead.

Only You
Can truly reshape our hearts.
I lift the king up to You
For molding,
Reshaping,
Teaching,
Filling with Your boundless
Patience and Compassion.
Lead him gently down Your Paths,
O Lord.
Let him know the depths
Of boundless Love so that,
As the moon reflects
The light of the sun,
He can reflect
The Light of Your Son's Heart
Within his own.

* Exodus 11:9

Valley Prayer for T

Lord,
Into your Hands,
I place the burden of my sins -
Sins of omission,
And sins of commission.
Have mercy on me Father;
I am but dust.
Thank you for
The sacrifice of Your Son,
Whose death
Redeems me.
Believing that You forgive my sins
When I confess them to You,
And that our line of connection
Is renewed once more,
I now approach the throne of Grace
To ask for that Grace
To flow into the life of another.

I don't know how
She's keeping it together.
Well, actually, I do -
You're keeping her
From falling apart
At the seams.

It's been a difficult season for her.
Family tragedy,
Illness,
And death
Have stalked her
These many months.
Financial matters
Are taking their toll.
Family obligations abound.
It's hard, Lord.
Really hard.

Father,
We are Your children,
Your ambassadors,
Your priests upon this earth.
We pray for health and healing...
A new, safe home...
The fruitfulness of work for her husband...
A smooth transition for the imminent adoption...
An easing of financial burdens...
And a resolution for other situations
Within this family.
Hear and answer our petitions,
O Merciful One!
We plead for Your Grace,
Not because we are deserving of it,
But because You proclaim Your faithfulness
Towards all who rely on You.

Father,
If there are reasons
For this period of testing
That are beyond our comprehension,
And if it must continue
For awhile longer still,
Then grant her the strength
To endure,
And accept,
And still come through
Smiling at the end.

Whatever I can and ought to do
To help her
Shine into my mind.
I will do it willingly.

Anointed One,
You stand ever before
The Throne of Grace,
Interceding for us. *
Hear me now
As I humbly approach You.
She needs help.
Your help.

Lord God,
Hezekiah walked in Your Ways.
He prayed for deliverance
From illness and certain death.
He was granted healing
And fifteen more years
Were added to his life. **
You are not a static god;
We are ever striving with You,
Working with You,
To accomplish Your Will
On this earth.
I pray, Lord,
That You would lead her
Out of this present valley,
This place of struggle
Where she and her family are walking,
And into the Light of the Son...

* Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. (Romans 8:34) (Author's Note: the words "is interceding" indicate the present tense, as in, Jesus is interceding for us right now!)

** 2 Kings 20

Street Cat

Lord,
Last evening's kitten rescue
Did not go as I had anticipated.
The kitten, found between two houses
As I was coming back from Adalheid's,
Ran away
Before I could pick him or her up.

Lord,
Continue to watch over
All the strays,
All the hungry,
All the lost,
All the homeless,
All the forgotten.

Creation cries out
For Your Love,
Man and creature alike.
Be ever near us,
Man and creature alike.

And Lord, if You could,
Give me another shot
At nabbing that kitten,
Not for myself,
But to rescue and put into
The care of another.
I already made arrangements.
The cold weather's starting at night.
I heard him meowing from somewhere this morning.
Just one more shot, God...
Please?...

*Author's Note - the kitten was rescued two mornings later by Gary the Cat Guy, a neighborhood animal rescue Good Samaritan, and is now being fostered and nursed back to health.

God does answer prayers...

A Spirit of Heaviness

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. (Isaiah 61:1-3 KJV)

The first time
I ever tried killing myself
I was ten years old.
It was an ill-conceived plan.
I did not know how hard it would be
To overdose
On a bottle of Dimetapp.
I succeeded in drugging myself,
And slept for fifteen hours.
I can laugh about it now.
I was not laughing then.

I battled depression
For almost three decades.
I can tell you that it started
When I began school,
And originally stemmed from my being
The class pariah.
I was that kid -
The overweight kid.
The too-smart kid.
The too-sensitive kid.
The one bullies bullied.
The depression took root like a giant thornbush,
Choking the joy out of normal childhood,
Making my predisposed, somewhat shy self
Sullen, moody, withdrawn,
Someone more at home in books
Than with people her own age.
My parents repeatedly told me
There was nothing wrong with me.
I did not believe them.
The sadness, aloneness,
And feeling of being cut off from others
Deepened and intensified with the years.
I didn't have the words for
The load of sadness
That weighed upon me.
I simply wanted it to stop.
I thought only death would alleviate the burden.

My teens and twenties
Saw a partial lifting of the depression.
Instead of it crushing me,
It transformed into a kind of carousel.
Up and down.
Around and around I spun,
Trying to stave it off...
Trying to keep the intrusive, self-destructive thoughts
Out of the labyrinth in my head...
Trying to find my way out
When I got lost in there.
The barbed wire and armed guards
I mentally erected
Were like the US's patrol force
Along Mexico's border:
Outnumbered, and something always
Slipped through.
A year and a half of therapy
Added some weapons to my arsenal.
It wasn't enough to end the war.
I thought about taking antidepressants,
But, fearing losing some vital part of myself,
Decided against it.
Each round of wrestling with it
Left me a little more drained
Than the time before.
Is this ever going to stop?
I would wonder.

And now...
God has vanquished it
When I wasn't looking.

The past five years
Have transformed my life;
The me of this moment
Would have been
Unrecognizable to the me from
Five years ago.
So many of the old habits,
The old patterns of thinking,
Have been replaced by
Sound thoughts...
Healing thoughts.
My mind wanders less and less
In those dark, nether regions.
I can be sad, angry, discouraged, or upset
Without being overwrought, hopeless, or suicidal.
It is a good feeling.
It is a very good feeling.

In my mind,
There is an ongoing conversation
With God.
I bring my life to Him
More and more daily.
He answers me
Through Scripture,
And circumstance,
And other people,
And occasionally dropping a thought there on His own.
(What an astounding and terrifying experience!)
When that familiar spirit of heaviness
Starts whispering to me from the dark,
There is His voice in the background,
With an even more resonant whisper:
"You are a Child
Of the Most High God."
Every time I think it,
I cannot help but smile.
The depression
Cannot compete with that thought
For very long.

I took it for granted
That I would probably combat,
At best, a low-level depression
For the rest of my life.
But now,
There is this giant Flame
In the center of my soul.
It is transforming
A lifetime of heartaches
And heaps upon heaps of
Death-filled, nihilistic thoughts
Into a temple of worship,
A home for the Spirit
Of the Living God!

It is true, what Paul tells the Romans:
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." *

Lord,
This is truly wondrous.
I didn't ask You,
And You did it.
Thank you.

The meditations of my heart
Yield the following reply:
"It is impossible to abide
Close to My Heart
And not feel Joy.
I had to heal you.
I have to make you ready
For what's coming next."

I blink.
"Next? What's 'next'?"

He doesn't answer directly.
He smothers my nervousness
With an extra burst of Joy.

Hmmm.
Next.
I'm in trouble now.

* Romans 8:26