I was six years old
When Mommie and Daddy
Brought you home.
I remember commenting to Mommie
About your then-red hair,
(That later fell out and grew back in
Dark brown)
And then-blue eyes
(That changed color,
Like the eyes of puppies and kittens,
To dark brown)
And egg-shaped head
(What did I know
About a baby's fontenelles
Back then?)
I think about these things
And remember these things
The morning after I have seen you.
Mommie was always telling me
To look after you,
Which I suppose is the way
Of parents with their oldest children.
Somewhere in my mind,
I still hear Mommie saying this to me.
The problem now is that
We are both adults,
Becoming more fixed into
The personalities
We will carry with us to eternity,
And I am the source
Of the anger and resentment
That radiates from you.
Ma,
Any suggestions
On how I can fix this?
Sister,
You feel jealous,
And resentful,
And cheated,
And nervous,
And negative
About my pending move.
The arguments you use against me,
About abandoning my family,
And not being able to find a job,
And never seeing me again,
And upheaving the pets,
And embarking on what will surely be
Another failed undertaking,
Flay my soul...
But I still want to go.
God willing, I am still going.
Do you understand nothing
About wanting a fresh start,
And jumping at the chance
Of making a much-needed life change?
Do you understand nothing
About hearing a call,
Feeling something so strongly in your bones,
That you choose to follow it?
No...
For you,
This is about Adalheid,
About a relationship you believe
Should be yours, and yours alone.
That insular mindset
Of Mommie and Daddy
Is indelibly stamped on you,
Isn't it?
You don't understand
That because Adalheid loves me -
With no strings attached,
No sentiments of what I owe her,
No punishment,
No dredging of past and present sins -
Because she loves me
In the spirit of freedom and truth
And the true freedom of being fully known
And not being rejected -
She doesn't have to use
Ploys and games and guilt
To control me,
Or bind me to her.
And because of this -
Because she has liberated me
Within the human sphere -
I gladly accompany her and hers
On this next leg of her life's journey.
I'll follow her
As long as she'll let me,
And when Death parts us,
I will pray to El-Shaddai
To reunite us in the After.
I wish
I could share these things with you.
I wish that you could see
The healing and happiness
Her friendship has brought to my life.
I wish you could
Be happy for me,
Wishing me luck,
Helping me pack,
Helping me bear the burden of emotion
As I sift through the layers of my life
And mourn for the losses.
But no...
This is not your way.
You have hardened your heart
Against me,
And I fear how this will manifest
Once I step on that westbound plane.
Father,
Soften my sister.
Make her less rigid,
Less judgmental
Of me.
You formed this family,
Calling it forth
From the blood of two continents.
You gave us each other.
Do not allow our foolishness -
Our pride, our stubbornness,
Our presumptions or our desire to strike back -
To disband the members that are left.
My whole life through,
I will always have only one sister...
Restore her to me, my God.
Bridge the distance
That she daily seeks
To drive between us,
A distance much wider
Than a plane ride
From New York to Arizona...
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