1826 Days

Ma...
When I post this writing,
It will be 1826 days
Since I last saw you alive.
You passed suddenly on October 18, 2006.

1826 days
Devoid of
Your brilliance
Your laughter
Your wit
Your hugs...

It may be that
I miss your hugs most.
I felt your love for me
In that touch.
There were no questions,
No doubts,
When your arms wrapped around me.

Sometimes,
The intensity
Of how much I miss you
Flabergasts me
And literally takes my breath away.
I used to wonder
How I would live without you.
We even discussed it
On several occasions;
You expressed similar fears.

Ma,
God has been working
A very strange thing inside me.
I am becoming
Softer
Yet stronger
With the passing years.
I cry easier
Than I ever have before.
I am more perceptive
Of the Divine Presence
At work in my mind.
I am more open to people,
And thus more vulnerable to them.
But crying doesn't leave me
Broken inside anymore.
God's Presence in my life
Is a blessing I joyously welcome,
Rather than a guilt trip
That crushes my soul beneath its weight.
When I interact with others,
It no longer matters
If they take advantage of me or use me,
Because the source of my strength
Is no longer my own reserves.
Rather,
He who created the Universe
Sustains and enlivens me,
And He is Boundless.

There are so many people
In my life now
Who I wish I could share with you.
God has brought bright lights
Into my life,
People who illuminate my path
Whether I am on the mountain,
Or deep in the valley.
There are so many things
I wish I could tell you.
I still sometimes catch myself
In the habit of thinking,
"Oh, I can't wait to go home
And tell Mommie - "
And then I remember.
The missing you
Becomes deeper
And more poignant
With each passing year.
Yet, somehow,
I know
That I must make it through
To the other side of grief.

Ma,
I can't wait
To see you again.
Be waiting for me
When I leave this life
And come Home.

Lord...
Father...
Eli!
You alone know
The secret longings of my heart.
You alone know
How many more days
I have on this earth.
Grant that,
On the day of Your Glory,
I may be
Reunited with my family
That has gone Home to You
Ahead of me.
Abba,
Please,
Have Mercy and let it be so.
Let all the days
That I have to live without them
In this existence
Be eclipsed
By the light of Eternity's endless days
In the next...