New Life

Lord,
I am tired.  
No. 
I am weary. 
I feel ground down, 
Bowled over 
By much existing,
But not enough living. 
I become easily frustrated
And angry
At the smallest things. 
I am like Bilbo Baggins:
"I feel thin, sort of stretched,
Like butter scraped
Over too much bread,"
And I'm wearing the signs. 

Have I ever been like this?
Sometimes it feels like
I hate everyone and everything,
But I don't really. 
Yet I can't contain my annoyance.
Sometimes I feel so parched
In my soul,
And when I think on why,
I realize in part
Why I thirst. 
This past decade 
Has seen much change
Typified by endings and death.

My sister and I - 
We lost our parents. 
We lost our home. 
We lost jobs. 
We lost prime health. 
We lost friends along the way. 
We experienced or are experiencing
Other losses -
The waning of a beloved pet,
The waning of my best friend's mom.
The only thing increasing
Is the number of gray hairs.¥
We left behind childhood
And even early adulthood
To stare at the world with stark gazes,
People who have experienced too much
In too little time. 
We have come through it
In one piece (more or less)
But the earmarks of typical life
For young women our age
Are far from us. 

Father...
I know that we have a life
Hidden in Christ,*
But You also promised us
Life abundant - 
Here - now.**
I don't mean to whine,
But I don't understand
Why I am the way I am,
Or what you have in store for me. 
When will this dying season end,
And the season for new life begin?
What else must perish 
To make way for 
Revitalization, restored health,
Soundness of spirit and mind?
Are these merely the birth pangs
Prior to metamorphosis,
Preceding the cracking of the chrysalis? 

Kindle hope anew in me. 
Restore me to my former 
Gentleness and patience;
If they were phony and not heartfelt,
Bless me with them now and always,
That I may show the world 
A measure of the tenderness 
You have shown me,
To Your praise and glory. 
Let me remember James' words, 
To be patient until the
Coming of the Lord.***
Still my mind.
Still my soul. 
I may groan, like David, 
"Will You forget me forever?"****
But I also trust, like David,
In your steadfast love and salvation!****

* Colossians 3:3
** John 10:10
***James 5:7-11
****Psalm 13
¥ Scripture does offer some commentary concerning the increase of gray in our hair. See Proverbs 16:31.