Knowing (Or More Lessons Learned From The Cat Who Went Home To God...)

Major disasters
Have always sprung quickly
Upon my family. 

Case study 1:
The fire.
Daddy had arrived home
From the VA hospital. 
Mommie was cooking dinner. 
My sister and I
Were already in pajamas.
Daddy asked,
"Is there something burning?"

The fire devastated
Our three-family house
In about fifteen minutes.

I make it my business
To sleep in clothes with 
Lots of pockets,
So that items like keys, wallet, and cell phone
Can be snatched
And run with
At a moment's notice. 

Case study 2:
Daddy. 
He had come up from a late dialysis
And I think I woke up 
From my usual napping spot on the couch
Long enough to say goodnight to him. 

The next day,
My mother beckoned me upstairs
With a "Something's wrong."
My legs turned to jelly 
As I entered the bedroom
And unmistakably hailed Death
On his face. 
He was dressed in his jogging suit.
He had a piece of gum in his hand. 
He must have been on his way 
Downstairs for breakfast. 
He was still warm
When I put my ear to his chest,
Listening for a heartbeat,
Willing one to be there. 

I'd been upstairs the hour before. 
I'd heard him cough in his sleep. 

Case study 3:
Mommie.
She'd been up much of the night,
Complaining about stomach pains.
Her GI tract had long been her enemy,
So neither my sister nor myself
Recognized the signs of 
Female heart attack. 

I saw her life leave her
When her eyes glazed over 
In the bathroom.
The trip to the hospital
Was one prolonged nightmare,
As the EMT marked the passing minutes
With her failing vitals.  
When we got to the hospital, 
I thought,
"A heart attack? A stroke?
What happened?
It was severe.
But God, I'll take care of her
Until she gets better." 

God's answer was gentle, but firm.
"No, my child, you won't."

From the moment the crisis began
Until the moment we were calling car service
To take us back home
Was about an hour. 

I passed through my teens and twenties 
Wondering
What I would have done differently 
If I had only known. 
I thought that,
If I knew disaster 
Was just over the horizon, 
I could prepare for it,
Maybe even circumvent it. 

That's not true. 

Knowing that the cat was dying,
First from renal failure
And then from cancer,
Did nothing to stop it.
Knowing didn't make me
Better able to
Handle my emotions. 
Knowing didn't prepare me
For the memories and thoughts
That currently invade my days. 
Knowing is not a panacea 
For the grief
(Or guilt)
That inevitably follow
Any loss. 

Lord,
I didn't know. 
I had no practical experience
Because everything always happened
So suddenly. 
I have argued with You for years about
"If I had only known."
I thought I could prepare. 
I thought I could prevent. 
I now understand
That's not necessarily the case. 

Teach me to turn to You
In all things,
Good and bad,
Foresight or no foresight. 
Remind me that
Strength and security and happiness
Reside solely in being
A child of the Living God!