Dependence (or More Lessons Learned From A Dying Cat)

Baby,
You were little more than fur, ears, and tail
When you were brought to me.
"Can't you keep her until we find her a home?"
Precious pleaded for your life,
Telling me that the vet would put you down
If you couldn't find a home.
I knew nothing about cats.
I'd had dogs my whole life.
But your blue-gray kitten eyes,
Unable to even focus yet,
Called out to me.
"Okay," I agreed, adding the caveat,
"But just until we find her a home!"

We found you a home.
My home.

You were so tiny,
That first night you slept in one of my slippers.
When I awoke in the morning,
I thought I'd lost you,
Until I tripped over the slipper,
And out you tumbled.
I remember syringe feeding you,
And you'd eat and eat
Until you were little more than
Stomach, fur, ears, and tail.
But you survived those times,
And waxed strong.
You grew into your ears and tail.
Your eyes lost their blue-gray color,
To be replaced with green-gold.
You cultivated an independent spirit,
And found no shortage of trouble
To get into.
You were always exploring,
Often finding more than either of us
Bargained for.
I have tried to keep you safe and happy
These fourteen years,
But now you go ahead of me
Into the arms of
He who created you.

These past months have been hard.
It started with the abscess,
And has gone downhill since.
Next, the kidneys.
After the kidneys, the teeth,
And after the teeth, the tumor -
The cancer -
That erodes your last days with me.
You have lost the ability
To eat and drink on your own,
And although you let me
Feed and water you with syringes
(Like when you were a kitten),
Even that has now become painful to you.

I loved you as a kitten
In part because you were dependent on me.
Your need was so great,
It cried out to be met,
And I tried to answer.

I loved you as an adult,
But there were times when your aloofness,
Your independence,
Would make me feel that
You really didn't need me,
That you would have made it through this world
Just fine without me.

Now, as you wane,
And the neediness of you
Has outstripped your independence,
That familiar tenderness returns.
As you turn towards me,
So I turn towards you.
In this spirit of dependence,
I can only react
By comforting you,
Taking care of you,
Loving you
Until you expire.

Father,
Is this how we are to approach You,
Full of our need
And brokenness?

If we, full of sin, can respond
In this manner
To those people and creatures
Who approach us with their need,
How can we think that You,
Who are Holy and Compassionate,
Can possibly do less?
Having felt this kind of pity
On a creature dependent on me,
I know that You feel pity on us,
And will comfort all who call on You.

Lord.
Heal my brokenness.
Fill my need.
Only You can.
I am utterly
Dependent on You...