Letting Go

More than any other Discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us. This is a wonderful benefit to the true disciple who longs to be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ. We cover up what is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface. If pride controls us, it will be revealed almost immediately. David writes, "I humbled my soul with fasting" (Ps. 69:10).  Anger, bitterness, jealousy, strife, fear - if they are within us, they will surface during fasting. At first we will rationalize that our anger is due to our hunger; then we will realize that we are angry because the spirit of anger is within us.
Celebration of Discipline, Richard J. Foster

When I first read these sentences,
I remember thinking,
"How could fasting 
Reveal all that?"

Ha ha ha,
The joke is on me!

Food and drink -
Providers of false comfort,
Releasers of endorphins,
You and I have had a relationship
Fraught with trouble for many years. 
Now that you have been winnowed
To bare minimums - 
Now that I am not reaching for
The coffee, or chocolate, or beer, or mashed potatoes
To self-soothe,
I really feel life crashing in on me.
I see all the other areas of excess 
I so often engage in
(Such as work).
I see how I eat when I'm upset,
Frustrated, sad, angry, bored. 
I see how I use food
To cover my emotions. 
I see that those emotions,
Laid bare,
Are shocking in their depth. 

Lord, 
I felt You near me Monday night,
As I laid,
Sleep-deprived and spent,
On Adalheid's basement floor. 
It was a nudging,
While I cried and cried...
A conversation that went 
Something like this:

"Give it to Me."

"Give what to You?"

"Everything. 
Your fears and anxieties for the future. 
Your guilt and grief for the past.
Your feeling of being overwhelmed by life. 
All that troubles you. All of it."

"Lord, I don't know how."

"You cannot heal yourself. 
You cannot save yourself. 
Let it go. Give it to Me."

In my mind's eye,
I imagine Golgotha.
I imagine myself standing
At the feet 
Of my Savior. 
I am holding a bundle, 
Clinging to it with a deathgrip. 
Inside, 
Are all the years of 
Pride
Shame
Masochism
Pain
Grief
Fear
And the 1001 negative things
I continue to harbor. 

"Let it go."

"Lord, I don't know how."

"Start by trusting me. 
Your life is in My hands. 
Have no illusions:
It is My Will that gives you breath,
That nurtures you and sustains you. 
My Mercy brought you from a different land
To make this place your home. 
I was with you 
Before you drew your first breath,
And I will greet you
At the last trumpet."

I am at Golgotha,
Being stripped away layer by layer,
When unexpectedly, I hear the Aussie's words,
(And I have to laugh): 
"Stop trying to be
General Manager of the Universe." 

Stupidly, stubbornly,
This bundle remains in my hands,
As I contemplate
The terrifying, exhilarating freedom
Of finally leaving it
At the feet of the Savior...