Kol Yaweh

Lord,
I'm not really sure
What's going on
Between You and I
These past few weeks.
I feel trapped somewhere between
My desires and dreams
And trying to discern Yours.

This is all about Arizona;
It's like,
The voices shouting
About the move
Are drowning everything out,
Even You.
I feel restless and anxious,
Guilty at the thought
Of being so far from my family,
But also excited at the idea
Of a fresh start,
A new adventure.
There is an undertow
Pulling at me
Beneath all this...
"How do you know
That this is what God wills for you?"

Lord,
Is this Doubt that's
Insinuating itself,
Masquerading as
A genuine, spiritual check,
Or is it a check,
Put in place by the Holy Spirit,
Saying that this is not my path?
The strain of the not knowing
Is wearing on me spiritually,
Turning me cold inside.
I haven't been praying as much.
I haven't been reading every day
On the train.
I feel bottled up,
Seeking release,
Bound by many
Unnamed and half-formed
Misgivings and emotions.

On the day when Adalheid told me
About the pending move,
I asked You to speak to me
About the concerns I had.
I was worried about work,
And the loss of knowledge
Resulting from my leaving.
That very morning,
The Aussie commissioned me
To begin a manual
For the team.
I was worried about
Not knowing how to drive.
That night,
Before Godspell began,
My sister asked me if I wanted
To take driving lessons with her
In the new year.

Was it You speaking to me
Out of the tornado of my thoughts?

The situation with my family
Weighs heaviest on me.
I don't know how they will react
And the anticipation
Of the reaction
Is always what makes me collapse.
Half my battles have been lost
Before they were even begun
Because of fear of
Someone else's reaction.
It is true what Adalheid says:
I do feel guilty
About separating from my family,
But why do I feel like this?

When I moved out
At the age of twenty,
It was amidst much anger and resentment.
Through mutual consent,
The family and I
Broke off completely.
Although we eventually reconciled,
There is still that unspoken resentment there.

Yes,
I left home in pursuit of things
That I now recognize the impermanence of;
Some people need to learn
The hard way,
And I was one of those people
In that situation.
But my leaving home
Didnt change the course
Of my life only.
If I hadn't left home,
My sister wouldn't have met
Her fiancé.
For better or for worse,
Those two are stuck together for life.

Lord,
Was that, too, part of the plan,
The good coming out of
What was otherwise
A less-than-wonderful, semi-suicidal mission?

When David had Uriah killed,
And claimed Bathsheba
For his own,
You eventually made him see
The depths of his sin.
He was chastised,
And laid low,
But not for forever;
Out of that union,
Solomon was born.

When Joseph was imprisoned
For crimes he did not commit,
He held on to his faith
In You,
And was rewarded for his faithfulness
By bringing his family
Out of famine, and into Egypt.
His brothers had intended
To do him harm,
But You meant it for good.

So I guess
Whether we mess up,
Or messed up things
Are happening to us,
You mean it for good?
So even if my going to Arizona
Is not what You had intended,
You will bring good out of that?
Or does it not even matter
Where I am,
Because everywhere I can go,
There You will be?

Lord,
Still me
Long enough
So that I can hear
Your Voice
Speak to me
Out of the whirlwind.
Still me...
Still me.
I ache for
The calm, knowing Voice
I have heard before.
Speak to me, Lord,
Please.
A word from you
Can calm
The storms
That rage
Within me...