There she stands,
The archer,
Knee deep in the ocean
As the tide
Ebbs and flows around her.
Ebb and flow,
Ebb and flow,
A slow tumult
Constantly laps at her.
I am sitting on the shore,
Waiting,
Listening to the waves,
Echoes of myself
In the peaks and troughs
Of her tide.
Archer.
My thought goes out to her.
Don't lose your way.
Focus on
The North Star.
He will guide you.
Father,
You are as the earth
Beneath the archer's feet,
And the ocean's current:
Timeless,
Unchanging in overall nature,
Reliable and true,
Encompassing all.
Remind her that no matter what,
You are the Rock,
The Eternal I Am.
As for me,
Here I sit,
Semper fidelis,
As the violinist used to call me.
Braced, vigilant,
I pray for readiness,
Come dead calm
Or deadly storm...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Nightime Conversations With the King
"Blanca."
It's the Anointed One.
"Please leave me alone."
I know He won't,
But it's worth a shot.
I roll over and close my eyes.
"You don't really want me
To leave you alone."
He's right of course.
I nod against the pillows,
Squeezing my eyes shut.
He pets Simba, then asks,
"Is this a pity party of one,
Or can Anyone join?"
I open my eyes,
And wonder what would happen to me
If I just got Him angry enough -
"No," He says aloud.
"I am not here to smite you."
"Elijah prayed for death." *
If Elijah could, why can't I?
"Yes, and instead,
He was strengthened
And journeyed to Mount Horeb,"
He reminds me.
Hmmm... I had forgotten
That part of the story.
He sits by my feet and waits.
I ask,
"Did You visit the archer at church yesterday?"
"Yes."
"And You gave her those messages?"
"Yes."
Pause.
"Does the content of the messages disturb you?"
He returns.
"Disturb me!"
I shove my face into the pillow.
"The messages weren't delivered to you,"
He reminds me.
"I understand that,
But the relevance was there regardless!"
I describe the burning, searing sensation
As text after text ignited through me,
A wildfire of being convicted in the Spirit
Of the very thing that I had known all along,
And had tried to sidestep and avoid.
He nods. His face is not unkind.
I suddenly remember that I am talking to Someone
Who did come here in the flesh,
And did share in all the day-to-day sufferings of humans.
I forge ahead.
"I don't understand
Why I am the way I am.
The very components that comprise my nature
Constantly work against me.
I'm intense. I'm passionate. I'm emotional.
I'm stubborn. I'm willful.
I'm constantly probing, and questioning,
And pestering You every ten minutes asking why,
Or more accurately in this situation,
Why not?"
There is an extended pause.
Finally He replies,
"Yes, you are all those things,
But you don't see the purpose for them
That I do.
Your intensity keeps
The fire lit inside of you.
Your passion makes you love deeply,
Without being afraid to pour yourself out.
You're emotional so that you empathize with
And have compassion for
People from all walks of life.
Your stubbornness, under the right circumstances,
Blossoms into loyalty.
Your willfulness, under the right circumstances,
Makes you naturally tenacious.
As for your questioning,
I am the one who coined the expression
'Seek, and ye shall find.' **
It's when you persist
Because you don't like the answer given
That it becomes an issue.
"Blanca, all these things, in and of themselves,
Are not inherenetly bad.
It's in the improper manifestation of them
That they can work against you.
Learning how and when and how much
Is a lifelong process."
I sigh.
I've been doing that an awful lot these days.
He continues,
"In all of this,
You have not thought to ask
What my Father's Will is.
There's a reason why the Scripture verse says
'Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The vertical alignment happens first.
Then comes the horizontal alignment."
I picture two intersecting paths and realize
That He just drew
A cross in my mindspace.
I shudder, feeling the weight of aeons
Of Supreme Sovereignty
Sitting with me.
"You still have so much to learn
About grace versus willpower,
And grace versus self-reliance,
And faith versus rebelling,
And faith versus pursuing
Your own pleasures and desires."
He's not harsh or bitter saying this to me.
He doesn't even sound disappointed.
He's got that tone of a parent who has,
Finally, broken through to
A difficult, hard-to-reach kid.
It's true,
And I know it's true,
But it still hurts to hear anyway.
"Calling upon me as Savior
Is not the same as
Calling upon me as Lord,"
He tells me.
I have to let that realization
Sink in a bit.
My English major brain dissects the words,
Seeing His Sacrifice in the first title,
And my relinquishment of self to Him
In the second.
"I never said that sanctification
Would be easy,"
He reminds me.
"No? The word 'cakewalk'
Doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible?"
Now I'm being silly,
Because I'm pretty much overcome
By yesterday and today,
And only sheer absudity will keep me
From complete meltdown.
He smiles.
"Memorize Psalm 100,"*** He suggests.
"Four verses in total.
It struck a chord with you earlier."
Said chord resulted in me crying,
Reading that psalm
Over and over and over...
He rises to leave. Simba purrs.
As He's turning the corner of the door,
He looks back, and quotes Jeremiah 29:11 -
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
Plans for welfare and not for evil,
To give you a future and a hope."
I groan inwardly.
It is the archer's verse.
"Blanca."
His tone is very soft now,
Very gentle.
I nod in reply.
I'm beyond speaking.
"I have a verse specifically for you.
"Behold,"
He's quoting Scripture again,
And the sound of His Voice is suddenly
Commanding,
Arresting,
Like the bells of Notre Dame,
Quaking through me,
Making me sick and dizzy
From the Power behind them.
"I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"
I shake my head no.
"I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert." ****
And He has spoken through me,
Through to the fears and longings
Of where my life's path will lead,
And will it ever intersect with another's,
Or am I destined to live
A single, celibate life
In service to God and man?...
God only knows.
... It's a comfort that Someone does...
*1 Kings 19
**Matthew 7:7
It's the Anointed One.
"Please leave me alone."
I know He won't,
But it's worth a shot.
I roll over and close my eyes.
"You don't really want me
To leave you alone."
He's right of course.
I nod against the pillows,
Squeezing my eyes shut.
He pets Simba, then asks,
"Is this a pity party of one,
Or can Anyone join?"
I open my eyes,
And wonder what would happen to me
If I just got Him angry enough -
"No," He says aloud.
"I am not here to smite you."
"Elijah prayed for death." *
If Elijah could, why can't I?
"Yes, and instead,
He was strengthened
And journeyed to Mount Horeb,"
He reminds me.
Hmmm... I had forgotten
That part of the story.
He sits by my feet and waits.
I ask,
"Did You visit the archer at church yesterday?"
"Yes."
"And You gave her those messages?"
"Yes."
Pause.
"Does the content of the messages disturb you?"
He returns.
"Disturb me!"
I shove my face into the pillow.
"The messages weren't delivered to you,"
He reminds me.
"I understand that,
But the relevance was there regardless!"
I describe the burning, searing sensation
As text after text ignited through me,
A wildfire of being convicted in the Spirit
Of the very thing that I had known all along,
And had tried to sidestep and avoid.
He nods. His face is not unkind.
I suddenly remember that I am talking to Someone
Who did come here in the flesh,
And did share in all the day-to-day sufferings of humans.
I forge ahead.
"I don't understand
Why I am the way I am.
The very components that comprise my nature
Constantly work against me.
I'm intense. I'm passionate. I'm emotional.
I'm stubborn. I'm willful.
I'm constantly probing, and questioning,
And pestering You every ten minutes asking why,
Or more accurately in this situation,
Why not?"
There is an extended pause.
Finally He replies,
"Yes, you are all those things,
But you don't see the purpose for them
That I do.
Your intensity keeps
The fire lit inside of you.
Your passion makes you love deeply,
Without being afraid to pour yourself out.
You're emotional so that you empathize with
And have compassion for
People from all walks of life.
Your stubbornness, under the right circumstances,
Blossoms into loyalty.
Your willfulness, under the right circumstances,
Makes you naturally tenacious.
As for your questioning,
I am the one who coined the expression
'Seek, and ye shall find.' **
It's when you persist
Because you don't like the answer given
That it becomes an issue.
"Blanca, all these things, in and of themselves,
Are not inherenetly bad.
It's in the improper manifestation of them
That they can work against you.
Learning how and when and how much
Is a lifelong process."
I sigh.
I've been doing that an awful lot these days.
He continues,
"In all of this,
You have not thought to ask
What my Father's Will is.
There's a reason why the Scripture verse says
'Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The vertical alignment happens first.
Then comes the horizontal alignment."
I picture two intersecting paths and realize
That He just drew
A cross in my mindspace.
I shudder, feeling the weight of aeons
Of Supreme Sovereignty
Sitting with me.
"You still have so much to learn
About grace versus willpower,
And grace versus self-reliance,
And faith versus rebelling,
And faith versus pursuing
Your own pleasures and desires."
He's not harsh or bitter saying this to me.
He doesn't even sound disappointed.
He's got that tone of a parent who has,
Finally, broken through to
A difficult, hard-to-reach kid.
It's true,
And I know it's true,
But it still hurts to hear anyway.
"Calling upon me as Savior
Is not the same as
Calling upon me as Lord,"
He tells me.
I have to let that realization
Sink in a bit.
My English major brain dissects the words,
Seeing His Sacrifice in the first title,
And my relinquishment of self to Him
In the second.
"I never said that sanctification
Would be easy,"
He reminds me.
"No? The word 'cakewalk'
Doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible?"
Now I'm being silly,
Because I'm pretty much overcome
By yesterday and today,
And only sheer absudity will keep me
From complete meltdown.
He smiles.
"Memorize Psalm 100,"*** He suggests.
"Four verses in total.
It struck a chord with you earlier."
Said chord resulted in me crying,
Reading that psalm
Over and over and over...
He rises to leave. Simba purrs.
As He's turning the corner of the door,
He looks back, and quotes Jeremiah 29:11 -
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
Plans for welfare and not for evil,
To give you a future and a hope."
I groan inwardly.
It is the archer's verse.
"Blanca."
His tone is very soft now,
Very gentle.
I nod in reply.
I'm beyond speaking.
"I have a verse specifically for you.
"Behold,"
He's quoting Scripture again,
And the sound of His Voice is suddenly
Commanding,
Arresting,
Like the bells of Notre Dame,
Quaking through me,
Making me sick and dizzy
From the Power behind them.
"I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"
I shake my head no.
"I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert." ****
And He has spoken through me,
Through to the fears and longings
Of where my life's path will lead,
And will it ever intersect with another's,
Or am I destined to live
A single, celibate life
In service to God and man?...
God only knows.
... It's a comfort that Someone does...
*1 Kings 19
**Matthew 7:7
*** Psalm 100
Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!
Serve the Lord with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
Know that the Lord, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
For the Lord is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.
****Isaiah 43:19
In The Desert
On my bike. 2 pm.
It's 100 degrees
Beneath the Phoenix sun.
I am pedaling faster and faster
Around the Elliot-Warner Loop,
Trying to outrun You,
Trying to outrun myself.
I haven't actively listened to music
Since yesterday.
I have no desire
To finish tuning my guitar,
Or to practice "Here I Am Lord"
On the keyboard,
Or to read the documents
The bell choir director gave me to read.
Everything I touch is charged,
Wounding me -
Scripture *, devotionals, articles online,
The whole lot.
Everywhere I look is a land mine,
Sending emotional shrapnel
Through my heart.
The despair in me is so thick,
I can taste it.
I am angry, and hurt,
And feel trapped from within and without.
Although I am merely the pot,
I ask You, Potter,
Why have you made me thus?
Am I to be
A vessel for dishonorable use? **
Should a millstone be hung about me,
Dragging me to the sea's bottom? ***
I see no way out of this barren place.
ARGH, Holy Writ, get out of my head!
Leave me be!
But no, no...
Isaiah smashes through me, now, ****
And I am so messed up, God,
SO MESSED UP!
Is this the stronghold I wrote about in June
That needed tearing down?
Is this the tippity-top of that stronghold,
The mere beginning of many more
Transformations to come?...
* For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)
** Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? (Romans 9:21)
*** And he said to his disciples, "Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. (Luke 17:1, 2)
**** ...and let not the eunuch say,
“Behold, I am a dry tree.”
For thus says the Lord:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me
and hold fast my covenant,
I will give in my house and within my walls
a monument and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that shall not be cut off. (Isaiah 56: 3b-5)
It's 100 degrees
Beneath the Phoenix sun.
I am pedaling faster and faster
Around the Elliot-Warner Loop,
Trying to outrun You,
Trying to outrun myself.
I haven't actively listened to music
Since yesterday.
I have no desire
To finish tuning my guitar,
Or to practice "Here I Am Lord"
On the keyboard,
Or to read the documents
The bell choir director gave me to read.
Everything I touch is charged,
Wounding me -
Scripture *, devotionals, articles online,
The whole lot.
Everywhere I look is a land mine,
Sending emotional shrapnel
Through my heart.
The despair in me is so thick,
I can taste it.
I am angry, and hurt,
And feel trapped from within and without.
Although I am merely the pot,
I ask You, Potter,
Why have you made me thus?
Am I to be
A vessel for dishonorable use? **
Should a millstone be hung about me,
Dragging me to the sea's bottom? ***
I see no way out of this barren place.
ARGH, Holy Writ, get out of my head!
Leave me be!
But no, no...
Isaiah smashes through me, now, ****
And I am so messed up, God,
SO MESSED UP!
Is this the stronghold I wrote about in June
That needed tearing down?
Is this the tippity-top of that stronghold,
The mere beginning of many more
Transformations to come?...
* For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)
** Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? (Romans 9:21)
*** And he said to his disciples, "Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. (Luke 17:1, 2)
**** ...and let not the eunuch say,
“Behold, I am a dry tree.”
For thus says the Lord:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me
and hold fast my covenant,
I will give in my house and within my walls
a monument and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that shall not be cut off. (Isaiah 56: 3b-5)
The Set Up
Only You
Are able to pursue me
Using Scripture
And song
And the Aussie
And books.
A little early-morning slapping around
With the September 3rd devotional
From My Utmost for His Highest
Never killed anyone, eh?
So, is that what I'm guilty of,
Among other things?
I withdraw my hand
From this loaded game of poker.
I'm not playing this game
Any more.
Are able to pursue me
Using Scripture
And song
And the Aussie
And books.
A little early-morning slapping around
With the September 3rd devotional
From My Utmost for His Highest
Never killed anyone, eh?
So, is that what I'm guilty of,
Among other things?
I withdraw my hand
From this loaded game of poker.
I'm not playing this game
Any more.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Mole
So, Lord,
What's the best way
To get to me?
Send in a mole
(Albeit, an unwitting one)
To enter into my heart,
My confidences,
And all the deep recesses of me.
Then,
Once inside,
Use her to break me
(Albeit unwittingly).
Clever!
Much more effective
Than anything I could have
Come up with,
Even in my most self-destructive moments!
Hearing Your Word
Was a hundred thousand times worse
Than hearing it from her.
I'm throwing my hands up in the air.
Surrendering. Done.
Despairing now.
Not caring if that's a problem or not.
Convicted by the Spirit
From over two thousand miles away,
I relinquish all things, even hope.
What's the best way
To get to me?
Send in a mole
(Albeit, an unwitting one)
To enter into my heart,
My confidences,
And all the deep recesses of me.
Then,
Once inside,
Use her to break me
(Albeit unwittingly).
Clever!
Much more effective
Than anything I could have
Come up with,
Even in my most self-destructive moments!
Hearing Your Word
Was a hundred thousand times worse
Than hearing it from her.
I'm throwing my hands up in the air.
Surrendering. Done.
Despairing now.
Not caring if that's a problem or not.
Convicted by the Spirit
From over two thousand miles away,
I relinquish all things, even hope.
A and B
A, A sharp, and B
The notes on the big bells
That I suddenly find myself
Playing in bell choir
The suggestion to join
Came from three different sources,
So I took that to mean
That maybe this was something
You wanted me to do.
Of course.
MORE involvement in the church,
So that now when I want to flee,
I can't, right?
A and B.
A is for...
Aberration - I feel like one right now
Abomination - judgment pronounced against many behaviors,
Including the thoughts in my head
Angry - yes, I'm that, specifically at You
Agitated - yes, I'm that, also at You
Arrogant - yes, I suppose, based on me even
Having this kind of dialogue with You.
B is for...
Broken - how I feel inside right now
Bound - tied up in things I don't know
How to break free of
Beaten up - see broken, above
Beleaguered - too many years of struggling
With this inner demon
Beaten - I'm done. I'm just... done.
...
A is for...
Abundant - the kind of life You have promised us.
B is for...
Blessed - to be called a child of the Most High and Holy God
A and B,
Chiming in my head,
Ringing death knells,
And songs of deliverance...
The notes on the big bells
That I suddenly find myself
Playing in bell choir
The suggestion to join
Came from three different sources,
So I took that to mean
That maybe this was something
You wanted me to do.
Of course.
MORE involvement in the church,
So that now when I want to flee,
I can't, right?
A and B.
A is for...
Aberration - I feel like one right now
Abomination - judgment pronounced against many behaviors,
Including the thoughts in my head
Angry - yes, I'm that, specifically at You
Agitated - yes, I'm that, also at You
Arrogant - yes, I suppose, based on me even
Having this kind of dialogue with You.
B is for...
Broken - how I feel inside right now
Bound - tied up in things I don't know
How to break free of
Beaten up - see broken, above
Beleaguered - too many years of struggling
With this inner demon
Beaten - I'm done. I'm just... done.
...
A is for...
Abundant - the kind of life You have promised us.
B is for...
Blessed - to be called a child of the Most High and Holy God
A and B,
Chiming in my head,
Ringing death knells,
And songs of deliverance...
Friday, August 31, 2012
Crucible
It has been
A hellfire and brimstone kind of day.
Reading, reading, reading
Researching.
Seeking.
Wrestling with You,
Mostly to my own chagrin.
Am I putting my salvation on the line?
Am I putting someone else's also?
Are You allowing me to be tested?
And what if I fail miserably?
Lord,
Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Do not look at me and see me.
Rather, see Your Son
Who lived the life I could not live
And died the death I justly deserve...
A hellfire and brimstone kind of day.
Reading, reading, reading
Researching.
Seeking.
Wrestling with You,
Mostly to my own chagrin.
Am I putting my salvation on the line?
Am I putting someone else's also?
Are You allowing me to be tested?
And what if I fail miserably?
Lord,
Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Do not look at me and see me.
Rather, see Your Son
Who lived the life I could not live
And died the death I justly deserve...
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