"Blanca."
It's the Anointed One.
"Please leave me alone."
I know He won't,
But it's worth a shot.
I roll over and close my eyes.
"You don't really want me
To leave you alone."
He's right of course.
I nod against the pillows,
Squeezing my eyes shut.
He pets Simba, then asks,
"Is this a pity party of one,
Or can Anyone join?"
I open my eyes,
And wonder what would happen to me
If I just got Him angry enough -
"No," He says aloud.
"I am not here to smite you."
"Elijah prayed for death." *
If Elijah could, why can't I?
"Yes, and instead,
He was strengthened
And journeyed to Mount Horeb,"
He reminds me.
Hmmm... I had forgotten
That part of the story.
He sits by my feet and waits.
I ask,
"Did You visit the archer at church yesterday?"
"Yes."
"And You gave her those messages?"
"Yes."
Pause.
"Does the content of the messages disturb you?"
He returns.
"Disturb me!"
I shove my face into the pillow.
"The messages weren't delivered to you,"
He reminds me.
"I understand that,
But the relevance was there regardless!"
I describe the burning, searing sensation
As text after text ignited through me,
A wildfire of being convicted in the Spirit
Of the very thing that I had known all along,
And had tried to sidestep and avoid.
He nods. His face is not unkind.
I suddenly remember that I am talking to Someone
Who did come here in the flesh,
And did share in all the day-to-day sufferings of humans.
I forge ahead.
"I don't understand
Why I am the way I am.
The very components that comprise my nature
Constantly work against me.
I'm intense. I'm passionate. I'm emotional.
I'm stubborn. I'm willful.
I'm constantly probing, and questioning,
And pestering You every ten minutes asking why,
Or more accurately in this situation,
Why not?"
There is an extended pause.
Finally He replies,
"Yes, you are all those things,
But you don't see the purpose for them
That I do.
Your intensity keeps
The fire lit inside of you.
Your passion makes you love deeply,
Without being afraid to pour yourself out.
You're emotional so that you empathize with
And have compassion for
People from all walks of life.
Your stubbornness, under the right circumstances,
Blossoms into loyalty.
Your willfulness, under the right circumstances,
Makes you naturally tenacious.
As for your questioning,
I am the one who coined the expression
'Seek, and ye shall find.' **
It's when you persist
Because you don't like the answer given
That it becomes an issue.
"Blanca, all these things, in and of themselves,
Are not inherenetly bad.
It's in the improper manifestation of them
That they can work against you.
Learning how and when and how much
Is a lifelong process."
I sigh.
I've been doing that an awful lot these days.
He continues,
"In all of this,
You have not thought to ask
What my Father's Will is.
There's a reason why the Scripture verse says
'Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The vertical alignment happens first.
Then comes the horizontal alignment."
I picture two intersecting paths and realize
That He just drew
A cross in my mindspace.
I shudder, feeling the weight of aeons
Of Supreme Sovereignty
Sitting with me.
"You still have so much to learn
About grace versus willpower,
And grace versus self-reliance,
And faith versus rebelling,
And faith versus pursuing
Your own pleasures and desires."
He's not harsh or bitter saying this to me.
He doesn't even sound disappointed.
He's got that tone of a parent who has,
Finally, broken through to
A difficult, hard-to-reach kid.
It's true,
And I know it's true,
But it still hurts to hear anyway.
"Calling upon me as Savior
Is not the same as
Calling upon me as Lord,"
He tells me.
I have to let that realization
Sink in a bit.
My English major brain dissects the words,
Seeing His Sacrifice in the first title,
And my relinquishment of self to Him
In the second.
"I never said that sanctification
Would be easy,"
He reminds me.
"No? The word 'cakewalk'
Doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible?"
Now I'm being silly,
Because I'm pretty much overcome
By yesterday and today,
And only sheer absudity will keep me
From complete meltdown.
He smiles.
"Memorize Psalm 100,"*** He suggests.
"Four verses in total.
It struck a chord with you earlier."
Said chord resulted in me crying,
Reading that psalm
Over and over and over...
He rises to leave. Simba purrs.
As He's turning the corner of the door,
He looks back, and quotes Jeremiah 29:11 -
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
Plans for welfare and not for evil,
To give you a future and a hope."
I groan inwardly.
It is the archer's verse.
"Blanca."
His tone is very soft now,
Very gentle.
I nod in reply.
I'm beyond speaking.
"I have a verse specifically for you.
"Behold,"
He's quoting Scripture again,
And the sound of His Voice is suddenly
Commanding,
Arresting,
Like the bells of Notre Dame,
Quaking through me,
Making me sick and dizzy
From the Power behind them.
"I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"
I shake my head no.
"I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert." ****
And He has spoken through me,
Through to the fears and longings
Of where my life's path will lead,
And will it ever intersect with another's,
Or am I destined to live
A single, celibate life
In service to God and man?...
God only knows.
... It's a comfort that Someone does...
*1 Kings 19
**Matthew 7:7
It's the Anointed One.
"Please leave me alone."
I know He won't,
But it's worth a shot.
I roll over and close my eyes.
"You don't really want me
To leave you alone."
He's right of course.
I nod against the pillows,
Squeezing my eyes shut.
He pets Simba, then asks,
"Is this a pity party of one,
Or can Anyone join?"
I open my eyes,
And wonder what would happen to me
If I just got Him angry enough -
"No," He says aloud.
"I am not here to smite you."
"Elijah prayed for death." *
If Elijah could, why can't I?
"Yes, and instead,
He was strengthened
And journeyed to Mount Horeb,"
He reminds me.
Hmmm... I had forgotten
That part of the story.
He sits by my feet and waits.
I ask,
"Did You visit the archer at church yesterday?"
"Yes."
"And You gave her those messages?"
"Yes."
Pause.
"Does the content of the messages disturb you?"
He returns.
"Disturb me!"
I shove my face into the pillow.
"The messages weren't delivered to you,"
He reminds me.
"I understand that,
But the relevance was there regardless!"
I describe the burning, searing sensation
As text after text ignited through me,
A wildfire of being convicted in the Spirit
Of the very thing that I had known all along,
And had tried to sidestep and avoid.
He nods. His face is not unkind.
I suddenly remember that I am talking to Someone
Who did come here in the flesh,
And did share in all the day-to-day sufferings of humans.
I forge ahead.
"I don't understand
Why I am the way I am.
The very components that comprise my nature
Constantly work against me.
I'm intense. I'm passionate. I'm emotional.
I'm stubborn. I'm willful.
I'm constantly probing, and questioning,
And pestering You every ten minutes asking why,
Or more accurately in this situation,
Why not?"
There is an extended pause.
Finally He replies,
"Yes, you are all those things,
But you don't see the purpose for them
That I do.
Your intensity keeps
The fire lit inside of you.
Your passion makes you love deeply,
Without being afraid to pour yourself out.
You're emotional so that you empathize with
And have compassion for
People from all walks of life.
Your stubbornness, under the right circumstances,
Blossoms into loyalty.
Your willfulness, under the right circumstances,
Makes you naturally tenacious.
As for your questioning,
I am the one who coined the expression
'Seek, and ye shall find.' **
It's when you persist
Because you don't like the answer given
That it becomes an issue.
"Blanca, all these things, in and of themselves,
Are not inherenetly bad.
It's in the improper manifestation of them
That they can work against you.
Learning how and when and how much
Is a lifelong process."
I sigh.
I've been doing that an awful lot these days.
He continues,
"In all of this,
You have not thought to ask
What my Father's Will is.
There's a reason why the Scripture verse says
'Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The vertical alignment happens first.
Then comes the horizontal alignment."
I picture two intersecting paths and realize
That He just drew
A cross in my mindspace.
I shudder, feeling the weight of aeons
Of Supreme Sovereignty
Sitting with me.
"You still have so much to learn
About grace versus willpower,
And grace versus self-reliance,
And faith versus rebelling,
And faith versus pursuing
Your own pleasures and desires."
He's not harsh or bitter saying this to me.
He doesn't even sound disappointed.
He's got that tone of a parent who has,
Finally, broken through to
A difficult, hard-to-reach kid.
It's true,
And I know it's true,
But it still hurts to hear anyway.
"Calling upon me as Savior
Is not the same as
Calling upon me as Lord,"
He tells me.
I have to let that realization
Sink in a bit.
My English major brain dissects the words,
Seeing His Sacrifice in the first title,
And my relinquishment of self to Him
In the second.
"I never said that sanctification
Would be easy,"
He reminds me.
"No? The word 'cakewalk'
Doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible?"
Now I'm being silly,
Because I'm pretty much overcome
By yesterday and today,
And only sheer absudity will keep me
From complete meltdown.
He smiles.
"Memorize Psalm 100,"*** He suggests.
"Four verses in total.
It struck a chord with you earlier."
Said chord resulted in me crying,
Reading that psalm
Over and over and over...
He rises to leave. Simba purrs.
As He's turning the corner of the door,
He looks back, and quotes Jeremiah 29:11 -
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
Plans for welfare and not for evil,
To give you a future and a hope."
I groan inwardly.
It is the archer's verse.
"Blanca."
His tone is very soft now,
Very gentle.
I nod in reply.
I'm beyond speaking.
"I have a verse specifically for you.
"Behold,"
He's quoting Scripture again,
And the sound of His Voice is suddenly
Commanding,
Arresting,
Like the bells of Notre Dame,
Quaking through me,
Making me sick and dizzy
From the Power behind them.
"I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"
I shake my head no.
"I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert." ****
And He has spoken through me,
Through to the fears and longings
Of where my life's path will lead,
And will it ever intersect with another's,
Or am I destined to live
A single, celibate life
In service to God and man?...
God only knows.
... It's a comfort that Someone does...
*1 Kings 19
**Matthew 7:7
*** Psalm 100
Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!
Serve the Lord with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
Know that the Lord, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
For the Lord is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.
****Isaiah 43:19
No comments:
Post a Comment