Clamor

Sister,
You ask me why -
Why do I not
Go out of my way
To make more time
To spend with you.
You ask why it is
That I touch base with Adalheid
When we are together.
You ask why we cannot
Have time alone,
Without interruptions.

Beneath your questions
Lie deeper questions.
"Why don't you love me
As you obviously do
Your Precious Adalheid?
Why can't we have
What she and you possess?"

I can hear the clamor in your voice,
A desperation born out of
Fear of being abandoned,
Fear of being alone,
Fear of bearing responsibilities alone,
Fear of losing that last link
To Mommie and Daddy.

Do not doubt
That I love you.
I would do anything for you,
And have tried to show you that.
Perhaps I haven't tried enough,
Or haven't satisfied you with my attempts.
For that, I am sorry,
But I do love you,
And no power can change that.

The distance between us
Is not a chasm of love,
But a chasm of trust.

I am not safe with you.
I hate your fiery temper
And the violence of
Your words and deeds.
I hate being assaulted with
Carefully constructed doubts,
Possible scenarios meant to manipulate,
And always, always
Guilt for things done,
And things not done.
Will you forever tie me to the past,
And make me bear the burden
Of sorrow and shame?
Will you forever seek to lay me low
In order to control me,
And stop me from courses of action
You disagree with?

No.
It ends now.
I have tasted life without guilt.
I have experienced love
That emboldens, and strengthens, and comforts,
That disagrees but does not seek to sway,
That allows for freedom of movement and thought,
That makes me feel sane and complete.

While you clamor for
What you cannot have,
I clamor for healing and wholeness,
And I am choosing the path
That takes me there...