Lord,
Three weeks ago yesterday
I took my last car ride
With Gabrielle.
I sat in the back seat
Of Adalheid's Odyssey
And thought about all the rides
We had shared together.
Trips Upstate
With my mother, sister, and I.
Trips Upstate then
With my sister, her ex-boyfriend, and I.
On a plane with me
To Arizona.
Trips in Adalheid's car,
And the archer's car,
Sometimes riding around
For the simple joy
Of riding around.
Being in that vet's office,
I wanted nothing more than to
Run and hide.
But I stayed - we stayed -
Adalheid, the archer, and I -
We stayed as Gabrielle's soul life
Returned to her maker,
To You.
O Lord,
I have sat with bottled grief
These three weeks,
But cannot restrain it any longer.
I weep.
I mourn.
I miss my loving, funny, impish, loyal companion
Of eleven years.
Creeping doubts over her
Niggle at me.
I question my judgment,
My decisions,
My self
On a regular basis.
Take from me the thoughts and fears
That I didn't do enough,
That I never do enough.
Father,
Help me
So that I may be able
To speak fondly and lovingly of Gabrielle
Without the telltale
Lump in my throat.
I know that she is one
In a string of losses
That stretches back to
When I was six years old.
I will always be
An animal person,
And will always taste
The bittersweet fruit
Of these loves and losses.
Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. (Psalms 31:9 KJV)
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Ennui
Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. (Ecclesiastes: 2,14)
I have worked for the newspaper company
Since January of 2006.
Starting out as a paginator and website administrator,
My job grew to encompass
Application support specialist
Training
Webmaster
Administrative support
IT troubleshooter
System Administrator for the entire company.
Lord...
I am incredibly bored and demotivated,
I have worked for the newspaper company
Since January of 2006.
Starting out as a paginator and website administrator,
My job grew to encompass
Application support specialist
Training
Webmaster
Administrative support
IT troubleshooter
System Administrator for the entire company.
Lord...
I am incredibly bored and demotivated,
A lonely outpost
In a dying industry.
I feel capped, tapped, and out of touch.
I feel every inch of the 2000+ miles
Between here and our Brooklyn locale.
Where to go
And what to do next?
Mountain View plans to create
New positions within its administration.
I intend to apply;
Will a change in job venue
Cure the sense of stifling ennui inside me?
You know my history of sudden, swift,
"Gut-feeling" life changing decisions.
I think that's been You at work,
Steering me in the direction I ought to go.
What do You think I should do?
Where do You think I should go?
Guide me,
As You have before.
Awaken some extinguishing ember
Within me, Lord...
I feel capped, tapped, and out of touch.
I feel every inch of the 2000+ miles
Between here and our Brooklyn locale.
Where to go
And what to do next?
Mountain View plans to create
New positions within its administration.
I intend to apply;
Will a change in job venue
Cure the sense of stifling ennui inside me?
You know my history of sudden, swift,
"Gut-feeling" life changing decisions.
I think that's been You at work,
Steering me in the direction I ought to go.
What do You think I should do?
Where do You think I should go?
Guide me,
As You have before.
Awaken some extinguishing ember
Within me, Lord...
Bones
Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed.
Psalm 6:2
Father,
The Manhattanite's test results came back.
Thank You that she doesn't have
A malignant tumor!
It's been a rough year for her.
Surgeries. Her mom's death.
School struggles. Money struggles.
And now so much pain
And damage in her back.
Lord,
The Manhattanite is loved by many people;
The love that we have for her
Is but a reflection
Of Your love for her.
Let Your love envelope her,
Embrace her,
And heal her.
Father, we ask that
You who formed her
Knit together and bond
That which is broken and injured.
As the Psalmist cried out to You,
We cry out
On behalf of the Manhattanite.
Hear our prayer, o Lord,
And come to the aid
Of those who call upon
Your Holy Name...
Psalm 6:2
Father,
The Manhattanite's test results came back.
Thank You that she doesn't have
A malignant tumor!
It's been a rough year for her.
Surgeries. Her mom's death.
School struggles. Money struggles.
And now so much pain
And damage in her back.
Lord,
The Manhattanite is loved by many people;
The love that we have for her
Is but a reflection
Of Your love for her.
Let Your love envelope her,
Embrace her,
And heal her.
Father, we ask that
You who formed her
Knit together and bond
That which is broken and injured.
As the Psalmist cried out to You,
We cry out
On behalf of the Manhattanite.
Hear our prayer, o Lord,
And come to the aid
Of those who call upon
Your Holy Name...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Welcome
A new member enters
The Gathering of Nuts!
A new soul integrates
Into our tribe.
Small, white, and furry,
He bounces and trounces
With all the playfulness
Of his six-month-old self.
Adalheid's shadow,
He follows her everywhere.
Observing Gabrielle,
He has picked up her penchant
For sticks and toys.
Long life to you, Matisse,
Gift of Yahweh!
May the God who made you
Bless you with much love
And a long, healthy life
In the faithful stewardship
Of this home.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Upstate, Mother's Day
Father,
It is my sister's
First Mother's Day
In the Upstate house, alone.
Surrounded by memories,
And mementos of our life with mom,
Let my sister derive some comfort
From the years that we had.
Let her remember the good times
And gracefully forgot the sorrows.
Let her know that,
Even though our mom is gone,
She deeply loved us in this life.
These are the thoughts
You have breathed to me
Over these past few years.
Do the same to my sister, Lord.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Lighthouse Saturday Night
Father,
The Songbird asked me to sing
With Lighthouse,
The Saturday night praise band.
I am nervous.
I feel terribly out of practice.
Singing in a choir
Is not the same
As singing in a band.
Embolden me to sing well,
Not for people's praises,
But to glorify You.
As a unit,
And as individuals,
Grant that we may perform well,
And use music
To draw others closer to You.
Use me thus,
My Lord,
I pray...
The Songbird asked me to sing
With Lighthouse,
The Saturday night praise band.
I am nervous.
I feel terribly out of practice.
Singing in a choir
Is not the same
As singing in a band.
Embolden me to sing well,
Not for people's praises,
But to glorify You.
As a unit,
And as individuals,
Grant that we may perform well,
And use music
To draw others closer to You.
Use me thus,
My Lord,
I pray...
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Distress
Monday's early morning conversation with Adalheid:
Comparing notes about Gabrielle,
We acknowledged that new lumps keep cropping up
On various parts of her body.
Lymph node sites?
Yes, probably.
Probably cancer.
We had spoken previously,
And had agreed:
We weren't going to have
The masses in her lungs biopsied,
And put her through another procedure.
We're not putting her through chemotherapy.
But I want to scream.
I want to do something.
I always want to do something - anything -
To make a situation better.
This feeling of powerlessness is crushing me.
I went online,
Attempting to equip myself with knowledge
In a desperate bid to regain
A sense of control.
I was startled by what I discovered
About lymphoma in dogs:
If left untreated,
From the time that nodules start appearing on the body,
Dogs typically live approximately four to six weeks.
Four to six weeks?!?!
Suddenly, I was researching
Veterinary oncologists in Phoenix.
Suddenly, everything Adalheid and I had discussed
Went out the window.
All the emotion inside me railed against
This newfound piece of knowledge.
I went crazy.
I cried on and off all day.
I felt inept, helpless, guilty for
Not doing enough, not being enough.
I needed more time to make up for
Every wrong, real or imagined,
I had ever committed against Gabrielle.
I remained a misery for much of the day.
Yesterday didn't turn out a whole lot better.
The Anointed One visited me yesterday morning.
"I don't want to talk to You," I said, upset.
He sat on the red chair across the living room from me.
He didn't say anything.
He waited.
Finally, I began my series of rants.
"Why did You make me like this?
I don't want to be sensitive.
So many people walk around
Not caring about human lives,
Let alone about creatures or creation.
What purpose does a heart serve me?"
"Compassion.
Lovingkindness.
Gentleness.
Mercy.
These are my Father's qualities,
Lavishly bestowed on His Creation.
They don't serve Him.
They elicit a love response, and glorify Him.
I mirrored these qualities in My earthly ministry,
And in My advocacy work even now. *
As Mine, its for you to mirror them in yours.
You can't exhibit them
If you have a heart of stone.
Yes, it means suffering,
But remember that I, too, have suffered,
And have overcome."
On to rant two, then, I decided.
"Scripturally, and intellectually,
I understand why things decay and die.
I understand that we live in a broken creation.
But emotionally, and spiritually -
In my soul, where I feel You stirring -
It feels wrong. All wrong. So f'ing wrong.
I hate death!" I exclaimed.
His voice was quiet as He replied,
"Me too.
That's why I came to vanquish it."
It wasn't the answer I had expected,
And it made me cry some more.
He got up, and put His hand on my forehead.
The gesture cracked me, and I blurted out my last rant:
"Everyone I love leaves me,
And if they haven't yet, they're going to!"
Ah, the terrifying crux of the matter.
He didn't dispute me.
He leaned closer, and reminded me,
"I will not."
"I know."
"As for the cherished ones of your life,
Remember:
It will not always be so."
I opened my eyes to the pre-dawn light
And looked over at Gabrielle,
The latest in a string of love
That will break our family's heart...
Our hearts, yes...time and again.
Our spirit, alive in Him?
Never.
* 1 John 2:1 (KJV) - My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
Revelation 21: 3-5 (KJV)
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
Comparing notes about Gabrielle,
We acknowledged that new lumps keep cropping up
On various parts of her body.
Lymph node sites?
Yes, probably.
Probably cancer.
We had spoken previously,
And had agreed:
We weren't going to have
The masses in her lungs biopsied,
And put her through another procedure.
We're not putting her through chemotherapy.
But I want to scream.
I want to do something.
I always want to do something - anything -
To make a situation better.
This feeling of powerlessness is crushing me.
I went online,
Attempting to equip myself with knowledge
In a desperate bid to regain
A sense of control.
I was startled by what I discovered
About lymphoma in dogs:
If left untreated,
From the time that nodules start appearing on the body,
Dogs typically live approximately four to six weeks.
Four to six weeks?!?!
Suddenly, I was researching
Veterinary oncologists in Phoenix.
Suddenly, everything Adalheid and I had discussed
Went out the window.
All the emotion inside me railed against
This newfound piece of knowledge.
I went crazy.
I cried on and off all day.
I felt inept, helpless, guilty for
Not doing enough, not being enough.
I needed more time to make up for
Every wrong, real or imagined,
I had ever committed against Gabrielle.
I remained a misery for much of the day.
Yesterday didn't turn out a whole lot better.
The Anointed One visited me yesterday morning.
"I don't want to talk to You," I said, upset.
He sat on the red chair across the living room from me.
He didn't say anything.
He waited.
Finally, I began my series of rants.
"Why did You make me like this?
I don't want to be sensitive.
So many people walk around
Not caring about human lives,
Let alone about creatures or creation.
What purpose does a heart serve me?"
"Compassion.
Lovingkindness.
Gentleness.
Mercy.
These are my Father's qualities,
Lavishly bestowed on His Creation.
They don't serve Him.
They elicit a love response, and glorify Him.
I mirrored these qualities in My earthly ministry,
And in My advocacy work even now. *
As Mine, its for you to mirror them in yours.
You can't exhibit them
If you have a heart of stone.
Yes, it means suffering,
But remember that I, too, have suffered,
And have overcome."
On to rant two, then, I decided.
"Scripturally, and intellectually,
I understand why things decay and die.
I understand that we live in a broken creation.
But emotionally, and spiritually -
In my soul, where I feel You stirring -
It feels wrong. All wrong. So f'ing wrong.
I hate death!" I exclaimed.
His voice was quiet as He replied,
"Me too.
That's why I came to vanquish it."
It wasn't the answer I had expected,
And it made me cry some more.
He got up, and put His hand on my forehead.
The gesture cracked me, and I blurted out my last rant:
"Everyone I love leaves me,
And if they haven't yet, they're going to!"
Ah, the terrifying crux of the matter.
He didn't dispute me.
He leaned closer, and reminded me,
"I will not."
"I know."
"As for the cherished ones of your life,
Remember:
It will not always be so."
I opened my eyes to the pre-dawn light
And looked over at Gabrielle,
The latest in a string of love
That will break our family's heart...
Our hearts, yes...time and again.
Our spirit, alive in Him?
Never.
* 1 John 2:1 (KJV) - My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
Revelation 21: 3-5 (KJV)
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
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