Monday's early morning conversation with Adalheid:
Comparing notes about Gabrielle,
We acknowledged that new lumps keep cropping up
On various parts of her body.
Lymph node sites?
Yes, probably.
Probably cancer.
We had spoken previously,
And had agreed:
We weren't going to have
The masses in her lungs biopsied,
And put her through another procedure.
We're not putting her through chemotherapy.
But I want to scream.
I want to do something.
I always want to do something - anything -
To make a situation better.
This feeling of powerlessness is crushing me.
I went online,
Attempting to equip myself with knowledge
In a desperate bid to regain
A sense of control.
I was startled by what I discovered
About lymphoma in dogs:
If left untreated,
From the time that nodules start appearing on the body,
Dogs typically live approximately four to six weeks.
Four to six weeks?!?!
Suddenly, I was researching
Veterinary oncologists in Phoenix.
Suddenly, everything Adalheid and I had discussed
Went out the window.
All the emotion inside me railed against
This newfound piece of knowledge.
I went crazy.
I cried on and off all day.
I felt inept, helpless, guilty for
Not doing enough, not being enough.
I needed more time to make up for
Every wrong, real or imagined,
I had ever committed against Gabrielle.
I remained a misery for much of the day.
Yesterday didn't turn out a whole lot better.
The Anointed One visited me yesterday morning.
"I don't want to talk to You," I said, upset.
He sat on the red chair across the living room from me.
He didn't say anything.
He waited.
Finally, I began my series of rants.
"Why did You make me like this?
I don't want to be sensitive.
So many people walk around
Not caring about human lives,
Let alone about creatures or creation.
What purpose does a heart serve me?"
"Compassion.
Lovingkindness.
Gentleness.
Mercy.
These are my Father's qualities,
Lavishly bestowed on His Creation.
They don't serve Him.
They elicit a love response, and glorify Him.
I mirrored these qualities in My earthly ministry,
And in My advocacy work even now. *
As Mine, its for you to mirror them in yours.
You can't exhibit them
If you have a heart of stone.
Yes, it means suffering,
But remember that I, too, have suffered,
And have overcome."
On to rant two, then, I decided.
"Scripturally, and intellectually,
I understand why things decay and die.
I understand that we live in a broken creation.
But emotionally, and spiritually -
In my soul, where I feel You stirring -
It feels wrong. All wrong. So f'ing wrong.
I hate death!" I exclaimed.
His voice was quiet as He replied,
"Me too.
That's why I came to vanquish it."
It wasn't the answer I had expected,
And it made me cry some more.
He got up, and put His hand on my forehead.
The gesture cracked me, and I blurted out my last rant:
"Everyone I love leaves me,
And if they haven't yet, they're going to!"
Ah, the terrifying crux of the matter.
He didn't dispute me.
He leaned closer, and reminded me,
"I will not."
"I know."
"As for the cherished ones of your life,
Remember:
It will not always be so."
I opened my eyes to the pre-dawn light
And looked over at Gabrielle,
The latest in a string of love
That will break our family's heart...
Our hearts, yes...time and again.
Our spirit, alive in Him?
Never.
* 1 John 2:1 (KJV) - My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
Revelation 21: 3-5 (KJV)
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
Comparing notes about Gabrielle,
We acknowledged that new lumps keep cropping up
On various parts of her body.
Lymph node sites?
Yes, probably.
Probably cancer.
We had spoken previously,
And had agreed:
We weren't going to have
The masses in her lungs biopsied,
And put her through another procedure.
We're not putting her through chemotherapy.
But I want to scream.
I want to do something.
I always want to do something - anything -
To make a situation better.
This feeling of powerlessness is crushing me.
I went online,
Attempting to equip myself with knowledge
In a desperate bid to regain
A sense of control.
I was startled by what I discovered
About lymphoma in dogs:
If left untreated,
From the time that nodules start appearing on the body,
Dogs typically live approximately four to six weeks.
Four to six weeks?!?!
Suddenly, I was researching
Veterinary oncologists in Phoenix.
Suddenly, everything Adalheid and I had discussed
Went out the window.
All the emotion inside me railed against
This newfound piece of knowledge.
I went crazy.
I cried on and off all day.
I felt inept, helpless, guilty for
Not doing enough, not being enough.
I needed more time to make up for
Every wrong, real or imagined,
I had ever committed against Gabrielle.
I remained a misery for much of the day.
Yesterday didn't turn out a whole lot better.
The Anointed One visited me yesterday morning.
"I don't want to talk to You," I said, upset.
He sat on the red chair across the living room from me.
He didn't say anything.
He waited.
Finally, I began my series of rants.
"Why did You make me like this?
I don't want to be sensitive.
So many people walk around
Not caring about human lives,
Let alone about creatures or creation.
What purpose does a heart serve me?"
"Compassion.
Lovingkindness.
Gentleness.
Mercy.
These are my Father's qualities,
Lavishly bestowed on His Creation.
They don't serve Him.
They elicit a love response, and glorify Him.
I mirrored these qualities in My earthly ministry,
And in My advocacy work even now. *
As Mine, its for you to mirror them in yours.
You can't exhibit them
If you have a heart of stone.
Yes, it means suffering,
But remember that I, too, have suffered,
And have overcome."
On to rant two, then, I decided.
"Scripturally, and intellectually,
I understand why things decay and die.
I understand that we live in a broken creation.
But emotionally, and spiritually -
In my soul, where I feel You stirring -
It feels wrong. All wrong. So f'ing wrong.
I hate death!" I exclaimed.
His voice was quiet as He replied,
"Me too.
That's why I came to vanquish it."
It wasn't the answer I had expected,
And it made me cry some more.
He got up, and put His hand on my forehead.
The gesture cracked me, and I blurted out my last rant:
"Everyone I love leaves me,
And if they haven't yet, they're going to!"
Ah, the terrifying crux of the matter.
He didn't dispute me.
He leaned closer, and reminded me,
"I will not."
"I know."
"As for the cherished ones of your life,
Remember:
It will not always be so."
I opened my eyes to the pre-dawn light
And looked over at Gabrielle,
The latest in a string of love
That will break our family's heart...
Our hearts, yes...time and again.
Our spirit, alive in Him?
Never.
* 1 John 2:1 (KJV) - My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
Revelation 21: 3-5 (KJV)
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
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