The Last Car Ride

Lord,
Three weeks ago yesterday
I took my last car ride
With Gabrielle.

I sat in the back seat
Of Adalheid's Odyssey
And thought about all the rides
We had shared together.
Trips Upstate
With my mother, sister, and I.
Trips Upstate then
With my sister, her ex-boyfriend, and I.
On a plane with me
To Arizona.
Trips in Adalheid's car,
And the archer's car,
Sometimes riding around
For the simple joy
Of riding around.

Being in that vet's office,
I wanted nothing more than to
Run and hide.
But I stayed - we stayed -
Adalheid, the archer, and I -
We stayed as Gabrielle's soul life
Returned to her maker,
To You.

O Lord,
I have sat with bottled grief
These three weeks,
But cannot restrain it any longer.
I weep.
I mourn.
I miss my loving, funny, impish, loyal companion
Of eleven years.

Creeping doubts over her
Niggle at me.
I question my judgment,
My decisions,
My self
On a regular basis.
Take from me the thoughts and fears
That I didn't do enough,
That I never do enough.

Father,
Help me
So that I may be able
To speak fondly and lovingly of Gabrielle
Without the telltale
Lump in my throat.

I know that she is one
In a string of losses
That stretches back to
When I was six years old.
I will always be
An animal person,
And will always taste
The bittersweet fruit
Of these loves and losses.

Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. (Psalms 31:9 KJV)