Impressed

Father...
I have been from youth,
And to this day remain,
Impressionable.

It is not merely
The moods and vibes
Given off by those close to me
That ping on my radar.
Sometimes,
I pick up deep sea signals,
Waves from so far away
That I wonder how they are registering
In the first place.

In my mind,
I see him,
I see him, Father!
I see him
Reading and studying
Your Word,
Poring over Scripture,
Mining it for hidden gold.
I see him
Talking to You,
Laying bare
The prayers and petitions,
The burdens and troubles
Of his heart.
I see him writing,
Pages and pages of longhand,
Holy tomes,
Reverent words,
The letters rising up
Like fire on Your Altar,
An incense offering
With an aroma
Sweet and pleasing to You.

Father,
Why impress this
In my mind?
Why make me see this,
Sense this
Phantasmagoric daydream
As though real?

Father,
Hear my prayer,
And watch over
Your faithful servant.
I pray for this man
I have never met,
And may never meet
In this life.
Protect and nurture
His life and his health.
Impart strength to him,
And courage,
And endurance.
Why I am praying all this,
I do not know,
But I feel led by the Spirit
To do so.

Be at hand,
Near to Your servant, Lord.
Remain his Light,
And Rock of Salvation...

Ode to a Jaguar

O Lord,
Creator of all beings
Great and small,
I sing to you a paean
For the lovely jaguar.

Hauntingly beautiful.
Frighteningly intelligent.
Elusive. Mysterious.
Dangerous.
Wild. Untamable.
Lithe. Graceful. Supple.

Father,
I stand in awe
Of her prowess,
And power,
And grandeur.

I offer
My eternal praises
To You,
Grand Creator,
Master Artisan,
Craftsman Divine!

On to Glory

Ash Wednesday service.
A time for self-reflection and repentance,
Confession and prayer.

I feel rebelliousness
Rising within me.
I feel my self-will struggling
Like an angry storm in my soul.
Oh Lord,
Why is it sometimes so hard?
There are days when it feels like,
From breath to breath,
I cannot hear You.
Other days,
I hear Your Clarion Call
Like a vibrant brass section
In my mind.

I, too, suffer from
A phrase coined by the archer:
"Shiny-object Syndrome."
So easily distracted am I!
So distracted by my everyday,
The thoughts and emotions and people
In my life.

Help me re-center,
Re-orient
Towards You.

Sitting in choir,
I watch the rows of people
Filing by,
And am struck by a feeling
Of oneness with them.
All of us,
The whole mass of humanity,
Strives toward You,
Longs for You.
In our souls,
We ache for You,
But get so easily distracted
By other things.
I know I am not alone in this.

The rows file past.
People willingly imprinted with ashen crosses
Walk by,
And I am one of them,
A being of ash and dust,
Made in Your Image,
Fallen,
Redeemed,
And marching on
With all the other graced sinners,
Into the Glory
Of Your Heavenly Kingdom!...

Out of the Blue

After months of radio silence,
Didymus contacted me.

We didn't talk about the job
She abruptly walked out on
Five months ago,
Or the letter rescinding her resignation,
Asking the company to take her back.
We talked about
Where she has been
And what she's been going through.

Father,
She walks in a valley of darkness.
Demons, past and present, pursue her.
Guide her safely through.
Comfort and embrace her.
Only You can combat
That which assails her.
I pray,
Be her Champion!
Lord of Hosts,
Wage war against the forces
Seeking to tear her apart.
Bring her out of the valley,
And into the light.
Redeem this period of her suffering, Lord,
To the praise and glory
Of Your Most Holy Name!

Behind the Dam

God,
It began at 3 am yesterday.
Gabrielle went on the floor in the kitchen.
Asleep in the den,
I heard noise and came upstairs
To see what was going on.
The king started yelling at me
As soon as he saw me.
Riled, I didn't go back to sleep right away.
I understand that he was upset,
But screaming at someone who just woke up
Is a bit much.

I was pissed at him all day.  
I avoided him at every turn.
I was angry, wanted to say:
"Why did you scream at me?
Am I the one who shit on your kitchen floor?
Just tell me that you want the dog walked
Before I go to bed. 
Why are you yelling,
Always yelling???"

I went to the prayer group at Mountain View,
And could feel You taking
My anger and frustration,
About that and other things,
Away from me.

And I was fine until this morning,
When it began all over again,
But worse. 
More extended screaming.

I can feel the resentments
Like raging floodwaters rising behind a dam,
About to break.
Dude,
What on earth gives you the idea,
That you can talk to me like that?
Just because I live in your house
You feel that you can address me
Like I'm an asshole or a piece of shit?
The only time you're nice to me
Is when you need me for my usefulness,
Like buying good seats for your mom's tickets.
Are your fingers broken?
Do you know how to use a computer?
The next time do it yourself!
You want to know why you get tuned out
When you have something to say
About what goes on in the household?
Because you don't know any other way to do it
Than through screaming,
And after a while,
People can't take that anymore.
They're not going to hear what you're saying,
Because all they'll hear
Is the sound of their blood boiling in their ears
As you make their blood pressure go sky high!
You yell and you yell and you yell even when you're talking!
It's amazing that you've gone through life
Without having the crap kicked out of you
A dozen times already!
Maybe that's why
You surround yourself with women,
Because if you talked to another man
Like you talk to us,
He'd knock your friggen block off!

Oh, and
"You drink too much coffee."
Yeah? Well, you drink too much Gatorade!
Go restock the refrigerator by yourself
After you've consumed 128 ounces of the shit,
Instead of taking for granted the fact
That Adalheid and I will do it for you!

Father,
You're big enough
To absorb my rage.
Please do so.
And God,
Here's what I'm going to pray.
I'm going to pray that You give me the ability
To keep my mouth shut
And not cause further discord.
I'm going to pray that You wipe out
The passive-aggressive thoughts in my brain
Because I am SOOOO angry,
I want to lash out at him.
Bind me 'round;
Prevent me from harming him,
In word or in deed.
Prevent me from pouring forth
All the thoughts and sentiments that want to spill out, like,
"You don't pick up your dog's shit,
You don't know how to feed your dog,
You don't know how to medicate your dog,
And you're going to rail me about
Me not taking care of my dog?"

Lastly, God,
I'm going to pray that You change
The king's disposition.
If you don't,
And You call Adalheid Home before him,
He's going to find himself
A miserable, bitter old man,
Living in a house full of memories,
Wondering why he is so alone...

The Absence of Presence

One of the disadvantages
To having a sibling
Is that the sibling can remind you
About the past
You strive so hard to sometimes forget.
The sibling can fill you with memories
That make you wistful,
And full of longing and missing.

Thanks a lot, my sister.

All this talk
We've been engaging in
About our parents
Has reminded me
Of the ache I often feel
When thinking about them.
Too soon, gone too soon...
Too many parts of my life
That they aren't privy to
Or present for.
I can speak of them in Glory,
Perhaps looking upon me from
The Great Cloud of Witnesses,
But today that thought provides
Little real comfort.

"There's a reason for everything."
Yes, yes...
But today,
Knowing that in my head
And experiencing that in my heart,
I stumble traversing
The gulf between the two...

Prayer Room

Mountain View's Prayer Room.
From here I can see
Across to where we sing
On Sunday mornings.

How many times
Have I looked across the church
And mentally noted
The people praying after services?

Today,
Seeking refuge,
I came here.

Still the thoughts in my head,
Dear Lord.
Blow a wind
To clear out the cobwebs
In my mind.
Light a match
To ignite
Candles of prayer,
And the incense of devotion.

I anticipate.
I worry.
I fear.
I combat a lifetime of thought patterns
With each breath.
Still me,
Still me,
So that I do not grow weary or faint.

My life,
And the lives of my loved ones,
Are in Your Hands.
Hold us mercifully, Father,
Please...

Importunity

And he said unto them, Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves; For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him? And he from within shall answer and say, Trouble me not: the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give thee. I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Luke 11:5-10 KJV)

Importunity.
The state or quality of being importunate;
Persistence in solicitation.

Knock, knock, knock!
Father,
Father!
You who made me
Know why I approach Your Throne.

I trust You.
I know that the times that test us
Can teach us strength,
And patience,
And endurance.
Limited as I am
To my own understanding and perspective,
I pray for alleviation
For my friend.

Heal her, Lord.
Maker of bodies
That serve as Your Temples,
Please heal my friend.
Grant her fortitude and endurance,
Patience and wisdom
During the time of trial.
Grant me forethought
To anticipate needs
And cheerfulness
To lighten her heart.

Father,
I knock and knock...
I will continue to knock.
Please open the door.