Up In The Air

I have never been
A fan of change.
I am a creature of habit,
And although I am quick to learn,
I am often slow to incorporate
Learned lessons into my being.

I have never been
A fan of the unexpected.
I desire to possess knowledge,
So that I can tackle
Any and all situations head-on.

I have never been
A fan of major upheaval
Probably because, in my life,
Those changes have been
Abruptly devastating,
Altering and ending lives
With the swiftness of a tornado.

The unsettled state I am in right now
Is starting to manifest
In the ratiness I am showing
My fellow humans.
I am testy, short-fused,
Over sensitive and over wrought.
My mind is plagued with misgivings
About my pending move.
I am working straight through
Until March 9th.
For my Classified Team,
I am trying to bleed my brain dry
In an effort not to leave behind
A knowledge vacuum.
I am subcontracting my second job
To my friend the Russky,
And forfeiting that much-needed pay.
My sister,
Who wants nothing to do with me
Once I leave,
Wants to ensure I give her
Money owed towards Upstate house bills.
Juliette the Pug,
Suddenly stricken with partial blindness,
Needs further, expensive diagnostic testing.
Gabrielle the Cocker
Looks as spry as ever,
But I worry about the lumps
The vet detected in her breasts,
And living with the decisions I have made
On her behalf.
I am trying to finalize
Temporary foster arrangements
For Romeo and Juliette.
I am praying and talking to God
About various friends
Walking in darkness.
I am trying to finish packing,
Discarding the detritus of my life,
Keeping what I think I will need,
Giving away what I'm not taking,
And everywhere, everywhere
Touching supercharged mementos
Of the life I had with my parents.

The Enemy assaults me
By planting doubt everywhere he can.
"You're not going to find a job
When you get out there."
"You're not going to find your own place
When you get out there."
"You actually think you're going to
Learn how to drive?"
"Your sister will truly
Never speak to you again."
"What if something happens
To your loved ones
While you're in Arizona?"

Lord, Lord!
Everything is up in the air!
Unfinished, unresolved,
Pending, anticipated,
Undecided, undetermined!
I can't cope
With these pressures,
Internal and external,
Real and imagined!

HELP!

...

He is reading this
Even as I write it.
Leaning over my shoulder,
I feel the smile on His Face.

He often smiles at me
When I am my petulant, frustrated self,
Not in a condescending way,
But in a
"Can't you trust that I have this situation
Under control?" way.

He taps on the screen,
Pointing out the title
Of this soon-to-be published blog post.
Not understanding,
My expression asks him to explain.

"And when he had said these things, as they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight." *

I blink.

"Up in the air. I am there too," he says
(In case I missed the point of His quote).

I nod.

"You are not in control," He reminds me.
"You never have been.
You never will be.
I assure you,
You're in very competent Hands."

And with that brief
Word of assurance,
He has nothing else to say.

I deflate,
Like a slowly-leaking balloon,
And mentally assign
All the situations
The control freak in me
Is screaming about
To Him.

Maybe
Being up in the air
Is the best place to be
After all...

* Acts 1:9 ESV