Foxhole Mentality

During World War II,
Soldiers would dig foxholes
And hunker down into them,
Waiting for the first hint
Of enemy fire...
Waiting to take cover from
That enemy ambush,
Sniper fire,
Grenade explosion,
Or tank attack.

I was eight when my dad
Started getting sick.
That was the beginning
Of my foxhole mentality.

Always waiting
For the next bad thing.
Always waiting
For the other shoe to drop.

Lord,
You have already done so much
To heal my broken thinking,
My anxious anticipation,
My over-analysis and over-worry.
In the weeks and months ahead,
Grant that,
Despite the opposition I may face,
I become a wellspring
Of patience,
And gentle strength,
And happiness,
And hope.
Grant that
I emerge from the foxhole
Into the light
Of a new life,
Part of Your Plan
And the path
You lay before me...

Kid Sister

Beth Israel Emergency Room.
It's funny how,
When someone is ill,
You forget about
All the everyday grievances
You normally hold against them.

Kid sister...
Mommie was always telling me
To look after you
(And she made me feel guilty
All the times that I didn't).
I was six
(Going on sixteen)
When you were born.

You were always different from me.
Different temperament.
Different interests.
Different ways of handling
The same familial stresses.
Different ideas
About how life ought to be lived.

We are not made
Of the same soulstuff,
And yet we are bound,
One to the other,
By familial ties
That El-Shaddai forged
Long before we were born.

Father,
Have mercy on me,
A sinner,
A being of dust and ashes
Trying to navigate
Through the life You have given me.
Hear me, my Lord,
And heal my kid sister,
Part of my family,
Part of me,
Through Your Divine Plan.
You touch us,
And we are healed.
Bless my sister
With that touch,
To the Praise and Glory
Of Your Ineffable Name...

Cannoli Run

8:19 AM.
I am riding the train into work.
In my arms, are a box of cannolis
For the Aussie's ad agency meeting.
My arms are getting tired.
More and more people
Are pressing into me.
I'm trying to keep the box from being crushed
By protecting it with my body.
I am mildly annoyed that I have no seat.
The thought in my head has tone:
"Can't wait to give these cannolis
To the Aussie."

8:20 AM.
My cell phone rings.
It is the Aussie.
Can I bring the cannolis
To Manhattan.
Can I stop at the office first,
Do this and that,
Coordinate this, email that,
Schedule that finance meeting
That was pushed off from Tuesday,
Then get back on the train
And bring her the cannolis.

Of course. Of course.

Even as it's happening,
And I am agreeing,
I am laughing at myself,
And God is laughing at me, too.

Beneath the laughter,
A message from Him:
"You will go as far as I tell you to go.
Despite the difficulty,
You will go where I tell you,
When I tell you.
Trust Me.
It's all part of the plan."

Even to Manhattan, Lord?
To Ahwatukee?
To Bogotá, perhaps?

I am suddenly not laughing,
Realizing, instead,
That the life I lead is
Indeed not my own,
But His...

8:21 AM.
This is how
He reaches me best,
With real-life examples and messages
Manifesting in my everyday.

Lord,
Thank You that
I wasn't carrying something heavier,
Like a tray of cold cuts!...

A New Creation

Lord,
Thank You for
A peaceful resolution.
An acceptable solution.
It's okay. I'm okay. Really.

:)

I hate confrontation.
I hate disagreeing, feeling contrary,
Being difficult, being conflicted.
I would rather swallow my pride -
My sense of right and wrong -
My dignity as a human being -
Than to fight with a loved one.
I hate it all because I remember...

It would go down something like this:
Mommie would get into a fight
That was beyond her ability to control or process.
She'd lock herself away in her bedroom
With a bottle of stomach pills and Valium
In an attempt to recuperate,
To still her frayed nerves
And coax herself out of
The fit she had worked herself into.
She wouldn't eat,
Just emerge for the occasional bathroom break.
This could go on for a day or two.

I remember sneaking open the bedroom door,
Standing in the dark,
And listening for motion or breath,
So afraid that this was it,
I had brought on the stomach bout,
Or heart attack, or nervous breakdown, or stroke
That would incapacitate her.
I remember sneaking the door shut,
Going back into my room,
And lying there,
Often beyond the point of crying.
I would read, or sleep,
Or try talking to You,
But always I would wonder
How the confrontation
Could transform into this.
I would swear up and down,
That I would learn not to aggravate her
Like that again.

How many fights
Did she have with Daddy
Because she caught him in a lie?
I would think to myself,
"He wouldn't lie to you,
If he wasn't afraid of how you'd react."
I never said that, of course.

I have witnessed a similar strain of self-implosion
In my too-tightly-wound sister.
I think she has seen it too,
Because we've joked about it,
And she seems less wound now
Than she ever has before.

Still,
I watch and wait,
Wondering,
Fearful of being the one
To set her off.

Ma,
I love you to the point
Of hardly being able to breathe
As I write this,
But
How many conversations
Did we not have
Because I was afraid of the impact
That my revealing myself to you
Would have on you?
How many times
Did I try to hide things from you
For fear of having to weather
Another of your bouts?
You discovered much of what I concealed,
But not everything.

No, not everything.

My M.O.
Was like Daddy's -
Lie, pray you're not caught,
And if you are,
Duck and run.

How can a person
Live like that,
Beneath layers and layers
Of lies, deceits,
And carefully constructed masks,
Designed to keep people
At arm's length...

The memories of
Former modes of existence
Crept into me just the other night.
I was standing in Adalheid's kitchen,
And she was sitting in front of me,
And I could feel myself pulling away,
Not wanting her near me,
Withdrawing,
For fear of hurting her,
Or being hurt by her.
I went home, was doing dishes,
When suddenly
I remembered a scripture...

"So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." *

"Really, God?"
Annoyed, I threw the dishes down.
"REALLY?"

I took this as a sign,
Direction from You.

I went back to her house.
We had coffee.
We spoke about the point of contention.
We found a solution
Everyone could live with.
No drama.
No extended, excessive anger.
No screaming.
No destruction, self or otherwise
No guilt.
No brooding.

Later on,
I thought about another scripture:**

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

Really, Lord?
Brand new?
Sloughing off all the old crap -
All the running away
And withdrawing into myself
And lying and deceit
And telling people what I think they want to hear -
Leaving all that behind
To become...
What exactly?

It is a half-question,
Half-wondering daydream
That hovers in the air
Between You and I...

* Matthew 5:23, 24

**2 Corinthians 5:17

Roadblocks

What can I do
What can't I do
What decisions live with
What decisions make regardless,
And endlessly regret
What path to follow
What to leave behind
What to sacrifice

Lord,
I seek Your Guidance.
Reality is setting in.
Normal people don't do this.
I am being pursued by doubt.
Why was I thinking
This would be easier?

Lord,
I seek Your Face.
Shine on me,
Have Mercy on me,
Lift the darkness around my heart
By the light of Your Countenance.
Forgive the angry, half-formed
Thoughts of my mind.
Show me the right road, Lord,
However narrow
Or fraught with trials
It proves to be...

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

"What if -"
"But -"
"However -"

The language of doubt -

As more and more people
Find out that I intend to move,
I hear these words more frequently.

I don't know how to explain
That, although my brain is nervous
On the surface,
I am not afraid in my heart.
I don't know how to tell them
About this rising fount of joy,
From deep within me,
That sounds like God saying,
"I'm with you.
I've been with You
Before you began.
I'm behind all of this."

Really, Lord?

There isn't a direct answer,
But I feel the Love.

When you experience
The Eternal Love
Of the Triune God,
Where do you find the time
To cultivate fear?

Building Blocks

Lord,
When our souls
Were in the Before,
And You were putting together
The pieces of my sister and I,
What did You hope to accomplish
By putting such different people
In the same family
As sisters?

Our parents
Constructed a family,
A formidable edifice
That withstood
Illnesses, diasaters, and crises.
They recognized,
From early on,
That our dispositions
Were fundamentally at odds.
They were able to navigate
The oceans of difference
Between us,
Erecting bridges and harbors
To conquer the communication gap.
They're not here
To keep those channels open.
I confess
That I don't know how to.

Neither of us understand
What the other is made of.
Neither of us can converse
With each other
As effectively as we did
With Mommie or Daddy.
Different dreams, different goals,
Different motivations, different soulstuff -
The foundations of our hearts
Have been structured from
Such different ideas and emotions!

Lord,
Help me -
How do I reach her?
Can there be
Any safe common ground
Where we can both stand
And not feel threatened
By the foreignness
We detect in the other?

You are;
You see all things
In an arc,
Beginning to Ending.
Show me why, Lord,
Why it's like this with her,
Why it's so damn hard
So much of the time.
Show me where I make it hard,
And teach me not to.
Show me meaning, Lord,
Any gleaning of knowledge
So that I may understand
The why behind it all.

Eli,
Put the right thoughts in my head.
Put the right words in my mouth.
Move me in the right paths.
We are the work
Of Your Hands,
O Lord,
Master Craftsman,
Architect Divine!

Comfort

Lord,
Death ever stalks abroad,
Claiming yet another life.

We know
That all lives come to an end.

The knowing
Doesn't make the grieving
Any easier.

Lord,
As Elohim, You are Creator,
Forming us out of the dust of the earth.
As El-Shaddai, You are God Almighty,
Establishing Your sovereignty over all creation.
As Jah, You are Redeemer,
The ever-present savior of our lives.
As Jehovah, You reveal Yourself
As He who was, and is, and is to come.
As Jesus, You are Emmanuel,
God with us,
Humbling yourself
And offering yourself
As the sacrifice
For the sin-debt we have incurred
So that we may be saved.

There is progression here,
And promise,
And hope.

With each new revelation
Of Yourself,
We see more personal interaction
With us.
We see You moving
From the macro -
The creation of all that we know -
To the micro -
Coming to us as one of us.
We see involvement.
We see substitution.
We see tangible love
Played out in the human sphere.
We see,
And respond,
And hope.

Lord,
In these days when my friend
Lays her mom to rest,
We pray that You uphold her
Through the weight of her grief.
In the days to come,
We pray that you continue to uphold her,
And give her comfort and peace.
Let her see beyond
This life, this flesh,
To the place where You are,
Where her mother is transformed
And life begins anew.

How long, O Father?
How long before death
Is vanquished,
And we are revealed
As You desired for us
Since before the world began?
We eagerly await
Sin's conquering,
Death's death,
And the universe's rebirth.
Let the Joy pent up
From Creation's Fall
Burst forth
As we greet those
Asleep in You
And risen in Christ.
Deliver us, Father,
That we may abide with You.
Comfort us, Father,
As we seek refuge from
The power of sin,
And the separation of death...

Before And After

O My Lord,
I give You thanks and praise
For the blessing
Of my best friend.

In the Before before Creation,
Did you fashion
The bond between us,
The conversation
That needs no words,
The home and souls that
I am at rest with?
In the Before before Creation,
Did You say,
"I forge this bond,
And declare it so,"
So that I would know
And recognize
And experience
A manifestation of
Your goodness
And steadfast love
Towards me?

I mean no sacrilege,
But I can believe in You
More strongly
Because I have been upheld by a
Love without pretense
Or strings attached.
I can feel the neuroses
And mishegoss
Slipping away from me
Beneath her honest touch.

Father,
I pray, I beg You,
Preserve her life
On this earth
For many more years to come.
Preserve the quality
Of her life,
And give me the strength
To survive
Whatever You present her with.

In the After when Creation
Is transformed anew,
And we are revealed
As we truly are,
May I stand before Your Throne
And sing Your Praises,
An eternal Hallelujah
For the goodness You have shown me,
And the gifts You have freely given me.
May I bear witness
To Your steadfast love,
Testifying that I have known
What it is be known and truly loved
Before time began,
As time progressed,
And after time ends...

Psalm 23* - A Life's Reading

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
(The Lord God Almighty -
The Triune Godhead who made
The Universe
And everything in it -
He watches over me.
He knows in advance
Everything that I need,
And he provides for those needs
Abundantly.)

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
(When life overwhelms me,
And I'm perishing beneath
The Adversary's assaults,
He picks me up
And holds onto me
Tighter than I have the ability
To conceive of.
He plucked me up
Out of a Bogotá orphanage
And dropped me into
The laps of my parents.
He helped me move past
The grief and guilt and anger
Of my parents' untimely deaths.
He clams me and stills me
When that brain of mine
Races along mental paths
Better left untread.)

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
(I have messed up my life
Many times over.
I have made choices
That hurt not only myself,
But others as well.
I confess my sins -
All my sins -
To You, O My God,
And pray that You continue to do
What You have done before -
Bring good out of the bad,
And joy out of the sorrow,
Because truly, truly
I don't intend to harm,
But I don't always know
The good from the bad.
Only you can take what is bad
And turn it into good,
And I am grateful for the good
You have reaped
From the evil
I have sown.)

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
(I know alot about
This particular valley,
Because I feel like I have died
A thousand different kinds of deaths...
The deaths of loved ones,
People and pets alike...
The deaths of homes,
And the security
That they provide...
The smaller deaths that accompany
Loss of trust in another,
Relationship breakups,
Friendships gone bad,
Financial hardship,
And burying dreams.
Yet,
You're in this valley, too.
Transforming emotions
And lessons learned
Into guideposts and maps
For the rest of my life's journey.
You chase away
My fear of the dark
And the unknown;
Even though I don't do it
Every night,
I can sleep with the light off.)

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
(You have given me
A family and a life
I wouldn't have known
Had I not been adopted.
You have given me
People who are
Blessings in my life.
You have given me
Pets to love and be loved by.
You have given me
A decent brain
To get me through school,
Enabling me to win scholarships,
Because I couldn't have gone otherwise.
You have given me
Apartments and jobs,
Shelter and sustenance.
You have gotten me
Out of hot water
When I didn't deserve it.
You have given me gifts
Of words and music
With which I will
Sing Your praises
All of my days.)

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
(Father,
You alone have sustained me
Thus far.
You have dealt lovingly
And patiently with me
Through all the rebellion,
The doubting,
The questing
And questioning.
No matter how far
I've tried to run,
The journey keeps
Bringing me back
To You.
Now,
I actively seek
Your Face
And Your Voice.
Eli, Eli!...
Guide me.
Grant me enough stillness
To hear You.
Direct me
In the ways that
I should go.
And when the end comes,
Take me home
To be with You,
To know You fully,
And to sing
Before Your Throne
For all eternity!...)

*KJV