Valley Prayer for S

Lord,
After a two week absence,
The intern came back to our offices yesterday.
She had just returned from Haiti,
From the funeral of her older brother
Who I imagine was younger than me.

I don't know how we started talking.
I noted the shock and consternation as she spoke.
"Everything would be okay
If he just came back."

She hasn't slept in over two weeks.
She can't bring herself to listen to music.
She calls his phone.
She walks past his bedroom expecting him to emerge.
She is in that haze of disbelief
I remember all too well.

Her mother is in a bad way.
She won't get out of bed.
She won't eat.

Lord,
We spoke for a long time.
I tried to comfort her
As gently as I could.
I kept asking You
To steer my words.
There were moments
When I felt that prickle
That signaled Your Spirit
At work in me.

It's impossible to tell someone
They will make it to the other side of grief.
They simply learn by doing.
It's a hard lesson to learn.

Father,
Let it be
That my words helped her,
And encouraged her to turn to You.
Let it be
That she sleeps this weekend...
That Your Hand tenderly guides her mom
Out of the pit of despair...
That this family,
Shattered by the tragic death of their only son,
Seeks You in their grief,
And finds Hope in Your Son.
Amen.

Touched

Sometimes I feel God
So clearly
Touching me,
It frightens me.

I think,
"What could You
Possibly want to do
With me?
I am full of
Guilt and shame
For things done
And things not done.
I am conscious of the
Rebellion against You
That hides in my heart.
How is it that You
Could want to be
With me?
How is it that You
Could want to use me
For Your Holy Purposes?

I am unfit!
I am unclean!
I am -"

Before I can think further,
I feel His Hand on my cheek,
And the scar tissue
Where the nails were driven
Presses against me.

"Be still," He tells me.

I quiet
Beneath that touch.
He already knows
Everything I've done
And haven't done...
Everything that's wrong with me,
And broken inside.

His Touch communicates
A promise of wholeness
More completely
Than words ever could.

Dog Walking

My three dogs
Never do what I want them to do
When I take them for a walk.
When I steer them to go left,
They want to go right.
When I want them to hurry up
And cross the street
Because we have the light,
They decide to pause
Or sometimes poop
In the crosswalk.
They manage to step on
Every piece of broken glass.
They hunt for and find
Chicken and pork chop bones,
Tea bags, candy wrappers and bubble gum
Which I then must extricate
From between clenched jaws.

One morning, I lose it.
"What's wrong with you guys?"
I am demanding from my dogs
In the middle of the street
At 6:40 AM.
"Why can't you ever just do
What I want or tell you to do?
Why are you always doing
Bad things?
I'm telling you what to do
To protect you,
Not to ruin your good time!"

The words leave me
And even as I am processing
What I just said,
I can hear that Gentle, Cosmic Laugh
That is not my own
Rise up within me.

The analogies
Are not lost on me.

"Ha ha, okay, God.
Very funny.
You got me."

The dogs stare at me
With their big, liquid eyes,
Wondering why I am
Freaking out and talking to myself aloud.

I love my dogs to bits,
But sometimes I want to cry,
They frustrate me so!

Father,
Is this a glimpse
Into how crazy we must drive You?

Point taken...

A King's Heart

When Ramses was king,
You hardened his heart
Against Your People.
You hardened his heart
So that he would not release them
From slavery in Egypt...
So that Your Wonders and Miracles
Would be all the more glorified
Against the backdrop
Of his oppression
And ruination
At Your Hands. *

Father,
Let it not be so
With the king
Whose kitchen I'm often found in.
Let it be
That You soften his heart,
And give him even the
Smallest portion of the
Holy Compassion
Exhibited by
The True King.

The True King -
Whose Love saves the world -
Hung on a tree,
Cursed and afflicted,
For us.
He drank the cup of Divine Wrath
So that we could approach You.
He suffered
So that we would not have to suffer
An eternity's separation
From You.

You have the Power
To pursue others
And call them to You.
Father, I beg You,
Pursue the king
Through the Power of
Your Son.
Fill him with Holy Patience -
Love for the long haul -
Compassion and caring
For the trials ahead.

Only You
Can truly reshape our hearts.
I lift the king up to You
For molding,
Reshaping,
Teaching,
Filling with Your boundless
Patience and Compassion.
Lead him gently down Your Paths,
O Lord.
Let him know the depths
Of boundless Love so that,
As the moon reflects
The light of the sun,
He can reflect
The Light of Your Son's Heart
Within his own.

* Exodus 11:9

Valley Prayer for T

Lord,
Into your Hands,
I place the burden of my sins -
Sins of omission,
And sins of commission.
Have mercy on me Father;
I am but dust.
Thank you for
The sacrifice of Your Son,
Whose death
Redeems me.
Believing that You forgive my sins
When I confess them to You,
And that our line of connection
Is renewed once more,
I now approach the throne of Grace
To ask for that Grace
To flow into the life of another.

I don't know how
She's keeping it together.
Well, actually, I do -
You're keeping her
From falling apart
At the seams.

It's been a difficult season for her.
Family tragedy,
Illness,
And death
Have stalked her
These many months.
Financial matters
Are taking their toll.
Family obligations abound.
It's hard, Lord.
Really hard.

Father,
We are Your children,
Your ambassadors,
Your priests upon this earth.
We pray for health and healing...
A new, safe home...
The fruitfulness of work for her husband...
A smooth transition for the imminent adoption...
An easing of financial burdens...
And a resolution for other situations
Within this family.
Hear and answer our petitions,
O Merciful One!
We plead for Your Grace,
Not because we are deserving of it,
But because You proclaim Your faithfulness
Towards all who rely on You.

Father,
If there are reasons
For this period of testing
That are beyond our comprehension,
And if it must continue
For awhile longer still,
Then grant her the strength
To endure,
And accept,
And still come through
Smiling at the end.

Whatever I can and ought to do
To help her
Shine into my mind.
I will do it willingly.

Anointed One,
You stand ever before
The Throne of Grace,
Interceding for us. *
Hear me now
As I humbly approach You.
She needs help.
Your help.

Lord God,
Hezekiah walked in Your Ways.
He prayed for deliverance
From illness and certain death.
He was granted healing
And fifteen more years
Were added to his life. **
You are not a static god;
We are ever striving with You,
Working with You,
To accomplish Your Will
On this earth.
I pray, Lord,
That You would lead her
Out of this present valley,
This place of struggle
Where she and her family are walking,
And into the Light of the Son...

* Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. (Romans 8:34) (Author's Note: the words "is interceding" indicate the present tense, as in, Jesus is interceding for us right now!)

** 2 Kings 20

Street Cat

Lord,
Last evening's kitten rescue
Did not go as I had anticipated.
The kitten, found between two houses
As I was coming back from Adalheid's,
Ran away
Before I could pick him or her up.

Lord,
Continue to watch over
All the strays,
All the hungry,
All the lost,
All the homeless,
All the forgotten.

Creation cries out
For Your Love,
Man and creature alike.
Be ever near us,
Man and creature alike.

And Lord, if You could,
Give me another shot
At nabbing that kitten,
Not for myself,
But to rescue and put into
The care of another.
I already made arrangements.
The cold weather's starting at night.
I heard him meowing from somewhere this morning.
Just one more shot, God...
Please?...

*Author's Note - the kitten was rescued two mornings later by Gary the Cat Guy, a neighborhood animal rescue Good Samaritan, and is now being fostered and nursed back to health.

God does answer prayers...

A Spirit of Heaviness

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. (Isaiah 61:1-3 KJV)

The first time
I ever tried killing myself
I was ten years old.
It was an ill-conceived plan.
I did not know how hard it would be
To overdose
On a bottle of Dimetapp.
I succeeded in drugging myself,
And slept for fifteen hours.
I can laugh about it now.
I was not laughing then.

I battled depression
For almost three decades.
I can tell you that it started
When I began school,
And originally stemmed from my being
The class pariah.
I was that kid -
The overweight kid.
The too-smart kid.
The too-sensitive kid.
The one bullies bullied.
The depression took root like a giant thornbush,
Choking the joy out of normal childhood,
Making my predisposed, somewhat shy self
Sullen, moody, withdrawn,
Someone more at home in books
Than with people her own age.
My parents repeatedly told me
There was nothing wrong with me.
I did not believe them.
The sadness, aloneness,
And feeling of being cut off from others
Deepened and intensified with the years.
I didn't have the words for
The load of sadness
That weighed upon me.
I simply wanted it to stop.
I thought only death would alleviate the burden.

My teens and twenties
Saw a partial lifting of the depression.
Instead of it crushing me,
It transformed into a kind of carousel.
Up and down.
Around and around I spun,
Trying to stave it off...
Trying to keep the intrusive, self-destructive thoughts
Out of the labyrinth in my head...
Trying to find my way out
When I got lost in there.
The barbed wire and armed guards
I mentally erected
Were like the US's patrol force
Along Mexico's border:
Outnumbered, and something always
Slipped through.
A year and a half of therapy
Added some weapons to my arsenal.
It wasn't enough to end the war.
I thought about taking antidepressants,
But, fearing losing some vital part of myself,
Decided against it.
Each round of wrestling with it
Left me a little more drained
Than the time before.
Is this ever going to stop?
I would wonder.

And now...
God has vanquished it
When I wasn't looking.

The past five years
Have transformed my life;
The me of this moment
Would have been
Unrecognizable to the me from
Five years ago.
So many of the old habits,
The old patterns of thinking,
Have been replaced by
Sound thoughts...
Healing thoughts.
My mind wanders less and less
In those dark, nether regions.
I can be sad, angry, discouraged, or upset
Without being overwrought, hopeless, or suicidal.
It is a good feeling.
It is a very good feeling.

In my mind,
There is an ongoing conversation
With God.
I bring my life to Him
More and more daily.
He answers me
Through Scripture,
And circumstance,
And other people,
And occasionally dropping a thought there on His own.
(What an astounding and terrifying experience!)
When that familiar spirit of heaviness
Starts whispering to me from the dark,
There is His voice in the background,
With an even more resonant whisper:
"You are a Child
Of the Most High God."
Every time I think it,
I cannot help but smile.
The depression
Cannot compete with that thought
For very long.

I took it for granted
That I would probably combat,
At best, a low-level depression
For the rest of my life.
But now,
There is this giant Flame
In the center of my soul.
It is transforming
A lifetime of heartaches
And heaps upon heaps of
Death-filled, nihilistic thoughts
Into a temple of worship,
A home for the Spirit
Of the Living God!

It is true, what Paul tells the Romans:
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." *

Lord,
This is truly wondrous.
I didn't ask You,
And You did it.
Thank you.

The meditations of my heart
Yield the following reply:
"It is impossible to abide
Close to My Heart
And not feel Joy.
I had to heal you.
I have to make you ready
For what's coming next."

I blink.
"Next? What's 'next'?"

He doesn't answer directly.
He smothers my nervousness
With an extra burst of Joy.

Hmmm.
Next.
I'm in trouble now.

* Romans 8:26